Lovestrong
by GemLouWarb
Summary: After 5 years of soul searching this was it, Bella was going home; back to the one place everyone knew her and her past. What happens when Bella comes face to face with the man who left her heart to bleed…
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

**So here I go, finally taken the plunge and Iam actually posting my first ever Fic …..**

**Not really into lengthy author notes but just needed to say a BIG thank you to a couple of people.**

**Firstly to my wonderful friend's jillapet and Wish for eternal happiness without you girls this thing would never have been posted. I also need to thank Mathisson you have been my inspiration for sticking with this….Finally a MASSIVE thank you to Kristina Anderson who started this whole idea off with me back in December 2011.**

**Lovestrong will post once a week and you will be happy to know we have a few chapters in the bag already.**

**So here we go…**

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Lovestrong

Chapter 1. Having trouble breathing.

BPOV

'_This isn't real'_ is all I can think as I loaded my bags into the back of my car, preparing to return to my own personal hell. I didn't even know whether _he_ is still there: did he have a wife, a family? I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as the roads got more and more familiar, the concrete highways morphed into woodland, grey turned green and this was it - HELL. I passed the "Welcome to Forks" sign, and my mind wandered back in time five years, to when _he_ uttered those heart-wrenching words: _"I don't love you anymore, Bella"._

_Five years ago:_

I was sitting on my bed when I got the call saying that he needed to talk to me, and that he would be at my house in ten minutes. So I waited. As he walked up the stairs, I could tell something was off; it was like he was dragging his whole body weight with his feet. He got straight down to business, saying that I was smothering him, that all the plans we had made together were not what he really wanted. He wanted to be free to leave Forks, not to be tied down by me and my imaginary perfect life. _"You just aren't what I want anymore, it was good while it"..._

That's all I remember. The rest of it turned into a blurred haze as my world came crashing down around me. Desperate, I resorted to begging him, telling him that I could change, that I would try harder to make him happy. Begging only resulted in him stepping further away and muttering those six crippling words. And then he was gone.

I had tried to chase him but my feet wouldn't move. Collapsing to the floor, I broke- the pain hit me in the chest like a freight train. My brain couldn't process what had just happened: what had I done? What had made him behave so cruelly? The man I loved had just ripped my heart out and left me here with nothing.

I think that I became a bit crazy: I sat on the floor of my room until it became dark and cold, everything around me reminding me of him. His smell lingered in the air. Little gifts and photographs of us together brought back every memory, good and bad. My mind whirled with all my mistakes, all his perfection, which only made my own shortcomings even more glaring.

I couldn't stay in that house another second, so I packed up a few things and decided to leave town right then. My plan was to drive, and drive I did. Taking the road out of town, I realized that I had to pass his house; as if on autopilot, my car slowed down. I couldn't help myself- I looked up at the vast glass windows that separated my world from his. There he stood: I couldn't tell whether or not he saw me, as his eyes were void of all emotion, empty. To me, they once had held all of his secrets, all of his love and passion, but now there was nothing in them. Something behind him caught his attention and he turned on his heels and walked away.

That's when it hit me, and it's the one thing that still hurts after all this time. Nothing hurts more than realizing that he had meant everything to me, but I had never meant anything to him.

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	2. Chapter 2

**Author Notes**

**Thanks again to the amazing jillapet and Wish for eternal happiness, you make my crazy thoughts pretty! To everyone who has taken the time to read, review, favourite or follow THANK YOU it makes me happy and very, very excited!**

**Also….. ****Mid Night-Cougar****….THANK YOU!**

**Update day has changed, it was going to be a Sunday, but I have decided to change that to 'the weekend' in general, as RL can be unpredictable. Oh and we now have a home on Facebook, come on over; teasers, pictures, and goodies galore;just search Lovestrong.  
**

**Finally Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and all Twilight related stuff...**

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Lovestrong

Chapter 2. Give me a moment to catch my breath

I had been sitting in my car in Charlie's driveway for ten minutes or so, thinking _'So what if I just sit here forever- then maybe no one will see me…Ever!'_

What was it that Kate told me… just sit back and breath! Great advice Kate; thanks. Okay, so Kate is my best friend back in Bellevue, and her actually words were to "Sit back, breathe, and then get yourself back to Forks so you can kick the living shit outta him."

Oh, how simple my little world was a couple of days ago

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Kate, Leah and I sat drinking cocktails in my tiny patio garden. As well as Kate being my sister from another mister, she is also my roommate. Now, Leah is whole other story. As much as I love Leah, both Kate and I thank God that she doesn't live with us! She was a force to be reckoned with; if you upset Leah, you knew about it. I met Leah about two years ago; she was an old friend of Kate's. We joke that she is a wolf in sheep's clothing, nice and soft on the outside, deadly on the inside. Mess with Leah-or someone she loves-and the inner she-wolf claws its way out and she was scary.

All three of us had been shopping for new outfits for our monthly girl's night out in Seattle, which was a must. Living in Bellevue is amazing; situated on the eastern shoreline of Lake Washington, we loved the easy-going pace of this beautiful city, but a girl needs the buzz of the big city and bright lights in her life every so often, right? We do it once a month at least, and we do it right-hotel room, music turned up loud, champagne on ice and we get our dance on. Seattle night clubs go on high alert when we are in town, I kid you not. Leah's on again/off again boy toy works at The Last Supper Club in downtown Seattle, and he makes sure their bar is well stocked, because when I say we drink, we drink. All for different reasons, none of them particularly healthy: Kate drinks to relieve the stresses of her week, Leah drinks to get laid _(It's that straight forward for her- one night stands are all she desires)_ and then me, little old Bella drinks to forget the past, to forget the heartache.

_Just to forget him._

As I said we had been winding down for the day when I got the call from Charlie, which to be honest was pretty usual. We talked at least once or twice a week, and spoke of normal things-how was work, have you been eating healthy; we have a normal father, daughter conversation. Normal until today, that is. He had to go and say it.

"Come home Bella, I need to see you."

_Well crap, I never expected that._

See, me and Charlie have an understanding: he NEVER asks me to come home. He knows what happened, why I had to leave. I have always wondered what he would say if I told him that I cry each day. Of course we have seen each other in the last five years, he IS my Dad. But he comes to Bellevue or we meet in Seattle, and under no circumstances do I go back to Forks. It took me nearly a year to be able to even say _his_ name, hell, it has taken me five years to even be able to think about stepping foot back in Forks again.

After that, the conversation turned desperate on Charlie's end, I just didn't understand why he needed me home so badly. He couldn't even give me a proper answer, he just kept repeating.

"I just need you to come home."

A million and one reasons for Charlie's desperation went through my mind: was he ill; was he in trouble, what could be that bad? What he couldn't tell me on the phone?

I had to go back to Forks to see what was so important; the sneaky old man knew that I would put all of my insecurities aside, just for him; he was my dad. I probably should have done this a long time ago, but I just couldn't put myself in harm's way, I wasn't strong enough.

I must have been in the middle of a full blown panic attack when Kate grabbed both my arms and nearly shook the life out of me.

"Bella look at me, calm the hell down, it will be fine! Just go back to Forks, see what the old man wants, then get your ass home!"

_She was right- I could do this. _

"He probably doesn't even live there anymore, Bella, I bet he followed you out of town." Again Kate was the voice of reason, as usual.

_Oh, how I wish her last sentence was true, but not that he just followed me out of town, but he came to Bellevue to tell me it was all a mistake. _

Kate was looking at me like I was going to pass out, and Leah, well Leah looked a mixture of concern and what I can only describe as outrage. They both grabbed an arm and ushered me to the sofa, where all three of us spoke together.

"God, I need a drink!"

The next two days were borderline panic for me; I still couldn't believe I was doing this. Why on Earth would anyone in their right mind put themselves though this?

Right, I was doing it because of my dad, because in the last five years I had picked up the pieces of my sorry excuse of a life and I was stronger, more confident, more… Fuck, who was I kidding? If I see _him_ again my whole being will crumble, this very carefully constructed mask will drop, and I will be the same old, self-loathing, miserable Bella everyone in Forks was used to seeing.

Kate knows what I was like when I first left Forks-she was there helping me to keep it together-but even she believes the lie.

While looking at what she believes is the new, normal, happy Bella, she explains to me her thoughts on the whole 'Bella returns to Forks' mess. Kate's well-thought out plan was this: as soon as I got back to Forks, I would drive straight to the Cullen's home and show _him_ what he was missing, tell _him_ how badly he had hurt me, and then show _him _what I had become.

_THAT wasn't going to happen, but I could prove to everyone in my small, out-of-date hometown, that Bella Swan was somebody. She had grown up and learned to stand on her own two feet; because I had, in theory anyway_.

I lived in a beautiful little town house with my bestie Kate- we even had our own little English country garden in our back yard! I had my dream job-I considered it perfect for me. I was a part-time baker in the only Cupcake/Winebar in all of Washington State. It was Kate's baby.

When we meet in college in Seattle, both of us were clueless about what we wanted to do with our lives or how to achieve it. Kate had always been gifted with the ability to socialize and generally be fabulous. By mistake on one rainy afternoon, I found my gift was in baking. I love to bake cupcakes, muffins, cookies and biscuits, and we both LOVED cocktails, so that's how Caketail was born. The 'bar' is in downtown Bellevue, and we serve cupcakes and cocktails. Okay, so they are non-alcoholic cocktails because we _are_ in Bellevue, and a bar where you can get wasted and eat cake is just not up to 'Bellevue' standards.

My long term plan was always to be a fully fledge member of staff at Caketail, but with everyone and their dog asking if I have a boyfriend or a family or all about my past, it can get a bit too much, and I just can't handle being in public all the time. Outside I am a confident businesswoman-it's all part of my 'mask.' Inside, I just want to be loved, but not just by anyone.

By _him_.

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Anyway, here I am contemplating the advice my best friend gave me. What the hell do I do? I either drive round to the Cullen's and going all Kung Fu Panda on his ass, or run at full speed out of my car and into Charlie's house, where I will hide for the next three days, or until Charlie tells me why the fuck Iam here. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Shaking my head clear of my day dreaming, I step out of my car. This place just smells like I remember it: all damp, all woodsy, all Forks. All Edward.

Charlie must of heard my car approaching the house, as he is standing on the front step watching me; oh shit, how long had he been there? I hope to myself that it wasn't long enough to see my hissy fit, but going by the worried look he has on his face, he was there long enough to have witnessed my mini breakdown.

As I approached he stood, getting ready to usher me into the house, or so I thought. Wrong! He pulls me into a massive bear hug, not caring who can see that his wayward daughter has returned. There MUST be something wrong…Charlie never acts like this!

We must stand like that for a good five minutes- if I didn't know better I would say Charlie was stalling. As he releases me from his death-like grip I grab his hand.

"God, I have missed you Char..Dad."

He gave me the smallest of smiles and replied, "Me too Kiddo, me too."

Now I know Charlie is a man of few words, but what is he trying to do to me, can he not see that his twenty-five year old daughter is scared to death? Give me a break, okay Dad?

Charlie opens the front door and gently leads me inside. I look down at our joined hands… Why is he been holding on to me so tight? As if this could be the last time he ever sees me? Again my mind wanders, is he sick? No, that can't be it; _he would have told me, wouldn't he? _

_Is it possible to plead for forgiveness with just a look?_ When I looked into my father's eyes, I saw his attempt to do just that. These were the eyes of a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders.

My curiosity and fear were now battling each other in their fight for dominance, with my morbid curiosity currently taking the lead. Finally, I had enough and I was just about to confront him, when the doorbell chimed behind us.

"_Saved by the bell old man!_" I thought as Charlie's nervous laughter bounced around the house.

The front door was slowly pushed open.

_Oh wait-shitshitshitshit!_ I thought to myself as I felt my legs turn to jelly. I tried so hard to keep myself upright, but my ears started ringing; _nonononono!_

I heard someone mutter, "You didn't waste any time, now did you?" I think it's possibly Charlie speaking.

My version blurs, all outside noise sounds the same; the birds' calls even blur with the rumble of the traffic outside into a loud buzz, and then I felt my mask slip. The world turned black. As I crumpled to the floor, I heard a voice that I had never expected to hear again…

"Bella."

Then everything was silent.

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	3. Chapter 3

**Author Notes**

**Wow…what can I say, I am over whelmed by the response Lovestrong has received…..Thank you!**

**Once again, Jillapet and Wish for eternal happiness…BIG kisses girls, I love you.**

**I know I said I would post every weekend, but RL is getting in my way, so let's just say once a week in general. Remember we have a home on Facebook, come on over and see us.**

**Finally Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and all Twilight related stuff...**

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Lovestrong

Chapter 3. I learned to live half a life

When light creeps back and I can once again see, I instantly wish for the darkness to return. My trembling arms wrap around my body, clutching my stomach. My chest is tight, and I feel a lump grow in my throat; you know the one, it appears when you're about to fall completely apart. Everything sounds like white noise, my ears are ringing, my breathing laboured; _so much for just breathing; huh Kate? _All the air leaves my lungs. I know that I must face my demons head on, but this is one very Cullen-shaped demon.

_Fuckfuckfuck._

My mind just can't comprehend why Charlie has done this to me; my damn dad! How the hell can he allow a _Cullen_ anywhere near me? I just can't… I can't think.

Alice Freakin' Cullen is standing two feet away from me-twenty-four inches, no more, no less. It's been five years, five whole years since I have seen any of them. If she is here now, then how close is _he;_ is _he_ outside?

Running on instinct, I rush to the window, checking for any sign of him…_could _he_ be in the car, waiting; was this the plan? Get Bella back in Forks, and then destroy her again?_ My mind whirled, but the world felt like it was standing still. I sank back, leaning against the wall, trying to slow my racing heartbeat.

_Just breathe, just breathe, just fucking breathe…_

I can hear Charlie frantically questioning Alice…

"You could have waited, given me a bit of time to get her used to the idea!"

"I couldn't, Charlie, I HAD to see her before anyone else did," Alice replied in the same frantic tone.

Hearing her voice confirms my fears-this is _not_ a hallucination, she is really here. I am guessing from that last sentence, that _he_ is around here somewhere, too.

I let myself think his name; _Edward._

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I really don't understand why this is happening; Charlie _knew_ that she was coming for me-he brought me back here knowing she would come. I can feel the tears coming, and there's no stopping them. The only emotion that breaks through the numbness that I feel is betrayal… that's what I feel; heartbroken.

As Charlie and Alice continue their whispered argument, I drop to my knees and all the secret tears from the last five years finding their way out, silently at first, then gasping sobs as I hysterically think to myself-_how ironic, it begins where it all ended… or should that be… its ending where it all began?_

Finally, I feel Charlie trying to help get me to my feet, but I don't want his help. Betrayal cuts me to the bone.

"NO, don't touch me!" I scream, shocking myself by how desperate and ragged my voice sounds. "You did this, just, no, please, leave me alone…"

I looked up at him and his eyes are full of sorrow, full of regret.

He starts to say "Bella, I…" but I interrupt his plea.

"No, Charlie, don't...why? Why didn't you tell me she'd be here, why did you let her come here?" I am screaming at him by the end.

"She was supposed to wait, Bella, wait till I had spoken to you…" Charlie's reply trails off.

Alice just can't keep quiet any longer, picking up where my dad left off.

"You would have run, Bella."

_Fucking right I would have!_ I think to myself, as I look at Alice who looks what can only be described as anxious. She looks the same; petite, fashionable, always optimistic. This just enrages me for some reason.

"Bella please, I need to speak to you, you have to know that…"

"YOU!" I start moving towards her, not sure what I am going to do. But it isn't going to be pretty, of that I am sure.

Charlie obviously sees the murderous look on my face, and grabs my arm, trying to pull me back. I stop and glare at him. Abashed, _and maybe a bit scared, you should be CHARLIE,_ he raises both hands in the air and backs away, "T_hat's it Charlie, move your hand or risk pulling back a bloody stump!"_ are my only thoughts. He looks like he finally realizes what he has done, and I almost feel a bit guilty at the defeated look in his eyes.

"OK, kiddo, I will go, give you two some space." He dejectedly walked away to the living room.

_Yeah bye Charlie…thanks again for throwing me under this fucking bus.._.

So that leaves just me and Alice Cullen, former best friends, face to face._ Breathe, Bella. _I am looking at one of the closest persons to _him._ I see him in her face, in her nervous smile.

She smells like him.

When I close my eyes, I might as well be standing in front of him. I can't help it, I go back five years; I see and hear him say those words once again…_"I don't love you anymore, Bella". _

It's the _s_ame town, the same house, just a different Cullen. It hurts just as bad now, as it did all those years ago.

A loud sob shakes my body; it ripples through me, it hits me all at once. I am sure even Alice heard my heart breaking, _again. _

"Bella please, I know you're hurting, and I'm so, so sorry…"

I cut her off, but my voice is just a whisper. "How could you know, Alice, you haven't been where I have, you weren't there. Alice, the Bella you remember…she, she's gone, and she's been gone for so fucking long…"

My voice trembles. I can't give anymore, I am drained and I've only been back here for ten minutes. Sitting down on the sofa, I try to catch my breath, organize my thoughts, while I notice Alice has sat down as far away from me as she can, perhaps scared that I will go after her again.

_Just tell her. Tell her how badly _he_ broke you, and then she will get the hell out of my life once and for all…_

"Alice I can't make you understand; the last five years have been the darkest time of my life." Once again my chest constricts, making it hard to talk in more than a whispered croak.

"When I left Forks, I drove for what felt like days, just drove. I didn't eat, sleep. When my body wouldn't take it anymore, I pulled into a cheap Seattle hotel and just sat there for weeks. For _weeks_, Alice, I just cried, have you ever felt empty, like you had no purpose, like you just wanted to die? I felt like my entire life was a lie…"

"You wouldn't understand what it feels like to be loved one minute, and not the next."

"I blamed myself, you know… for so long I questioned every tiny thing I did or didn't do, why was I not good enough, what could I have changed… self-loathing's a bitch; Alice, do you know that?"

I saw Alice's reaction out of the corner of my eye, heard her softly crying, but in the back of my mind, I can hear Kate;

_Breath Bella, just breathe._

I could have ended it there, kicked her ass out of my house, but I wanted to show her just how badly her brother's actions, her inaction, had affected me; taking a deep breath I rolled up my sleeves.

"Alice," I harshly whispered to get her attention… a hushed gasped was all I heard as Alice looked at the scarred mess that was my forearms.

"Why?" Alice sobbed, "Why would you do that, Bella, I know it was wrong what he did, but why hurt yourself, oh God…" Now it was her turn to fall to her knees as her sobs became keening wails. With no outward emotion, no pity, I continued.

"It was a release, every day the pain would get worse; it would literally bring me to my knees. I cried for hours, for days, I had no more tears, but the pain was still there. I didn't know what to do. I was so in need, of something just to make the damn pain stop, my chest felt like it was going to implode. Have you felt pain so strong, you can no longer think, you claw at your own skin, with your bare hand, 'til your skin and fingers are bloody_, well I have!_"

_Breathe Bella._

"Then one day I cut myself, and the pain was so different from what I was feeling, and I felt like I was finally in back in control. It was that quick fix, just what I needed, but the pain never went away completely, never got any better so I had to… to… I would actually go days without cutting, I would be so proud of myself, but something would act like a trigger, I would see a couple in the street, or…"

At this, I took a visible breath and continued. _Breathe, Bella. _

"Seeing someone who looked like him, _Edward, _God, a tall man, or reddish hair, or how he smelled… God, Alice, how it hurt, it still hurts, it seemed everything was going wrong, life was getting too much, too rough to handle…"

The tears that I have tried so hard to hold, in spill over. Thinking back to those dark days is not something I do very easily or often; protectively, my arms surround my knees, which are now pulled tight against my chest. Closing my eyes, I try to take back some of the control I just lost, but Alice has questions, as I knew she would.

"How long, did you do… um, feel like that?" Alice choked out.

"Around eight months, I guess, but then I moved on from the motel, the money ran out. My truck hadn't run for months… I was lost. I couldn't go home, so I would walk the streets all day, every night, too… I would just walk. It was all I could do. One day I stumbled into a homeless shelter, I remember just thinking how they must have felt sorry for me, must have pitied me, and they were right. I was so ashamed. Anyway, long story short, I got help from them, they gave me a bed, regular meals, and support, but I never felt comfortable telling them about my _problem_; it wasn't their issue, it was mine."

"After a few months staying at the shelter, with the help of the staff, I enrolled in college with grants they helped me find, and that's where I met my friend Kate. She saved me, Alice; she just offered me a room, no questions asked, so I moved in with her. I had nothing else to lose. I found living with someone was hard, I needed to keep covering up and hiding my arms, but Kate started to notice, she was pretty pissed. I was washing my hands and pulled my sleeve up just that bit too far. At first she freaked the fuck out, then we sat and talked for hours, I told her my story from start to finish. I knew I needed help- it had gotten bad, I couldn't control myself anymore. I was losing my grip on reality, on my life… I didn't know how to take back control without cutting deeper, without….death"

I barely registered Alice's strangled gasp… but I did see her slip to the floor in front of me. She seemed to want to grasp my hands; but sensing correctly, that it was probably best not to, she instead wrapped them around her own knees. In a voice barely above a whisper, I continued.

"Kate got me the help I needed…like I said, she saved my life. I saw a counsellor every other day for two and a half years, but to tell you the truth it never goes away; it's always in the back of my mind. I have a bad day, and it's like a whisper in the distance_, 'go on Bella take back control.' _ I have to try not to put myself in a place where I feel as vulnerable as I did back then."

_Fucking breathe, Bella…_

I thought how isolated I felt right now, even with Alice sitting there in front of me, wringing her hands and crying silently.

"_Don't stress Alice; I'm not gonna lose my shit with you sitting here," _I thought_. Anyway, Kate would kick my ass!"_ I smile at that thought, because it was true.

The grim smile on my face must have panicked Alice-the look on her face makes me want to giggle, almost. "Don't worry, Ali, I haven't actually cut myself for nearly three years now. I never want to go back there again, ever," I said, answering Alice unspoken question.

As she knelt, hunched over, so tiny in front of me, she seemed so…devastated. So… NOT Alice. Alice could survive the apocalypse, so why was she so solemn and worried now? I straightened my back, bracing myself for the answers to my next questions.

"Alice, you are here for a reason… what the hell is it? And why…how, did you convince Charlie to bring me back to this God forsaken place?"

Alice's big-eyed stare was pitiful as she blinked back her tears; she said something, so softly it probably wasn't meant for me.

"My God, Bella, you're as broken as he is..."

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	4. Chapter 4

**Authors Notes:**

**Thanks once again to my Team…girls I love you loads. Come on over to the Lovestrong FB page…**

**Finally Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and all Twilight related stuff...**

* * *

Lovestrong

Chapter 4.- Blinded by the flashing lights

"What was that, Alice?" I ask, needing her to say it again.

Clearing her throat, she repeats herself more clearly in a louder voice, and it's what I just what I thought she'd said.

"You're as broken as him."

"No Alice, I am this broken _because _of him," I angrily refuted.

What a way to get me to listen; once again, my morbid curiosity gets the better of me. I needed to know what she was doing here. "Alice, let's just get this over with, I am wiped out, and I have already told you more than I probably should have... Please, why you are here and what has Charlie got to do with it?" My voice started to crack, showing my emotions and exhaustion.

Alice resumed her seat on the couch, sitting close enough to touch this time, but I noticed she still didn't try to touch me. "This was all my idea-please don't be too hard on Charlie."

I rolled my eyes-Charlie was still hiding in the other room, the chickenshit.

"I came to Charlie desperate for help; it was all my idea. Me and the others thought if Edward could face his past mistakes and regrets, he would finally be able to move on emotionally and physically. At first Charlie refused-he wouldn't be responsible for bringing you back to Forks, he knew what it would do to you. Charlie knew that what Edward did to you was the reason you left Forks. Bella, he wasn't easy to convince: he knew Edward's history, knew somewhat how much you were hurt. But I think once I told him about how stuck in the past Edward was, unable to move forward with his life, Charlie could see the same thing about you."

_Wait; what did she say...Charlie knew all along? He knew that Edward had hurt me?_ "What the hell do you mean 'Charlie knew'?"

I was shocked; how did Charlie see all those things in me; I thought that I had hidden it so well, even my closest friend, the person I lived with, believed the lie.

As Alice continued I was trying to listen to her, but my mind kept drifting back to the times I had seen Charlie over the last few years I had never given anything away. Why didn't Charlie try to talk to me about it, if he could see it was just a mask, if he knew how much I hurt?

"He obviously knew what had happened to Edward, we live in a small town. You know what Forks is like, can't hide anything from anyone. Plus he was there for part of it."

My words come out fast, in a jumbled mess, "No, I mean…Charlie, he knew? And he never told me? Knew what? Alice?"

Alice looked like she had just put her tiny sizes 3 Prada's in it. "Oh, yeah, right, well…umm… I'm not sure, but I can say that I think he thought he was protecting you. Knowing the truth wouldn't have changed the outcome, Edward was already in so deep by then."

Charlie knew something important about me and Edward; we'd had a strictly 'don't ask don't tell' policy all these years, but he knew something that I didn't, something important, that I still didn't know.

In the background I could hear noise from upstairs that could only be Charlie. _Unless Edward is up there getting ready to jump out and shout, Surprise! This is highly unlikely, I know, but if today is anything to go by, anything is fucking possible! "Don't worry, old man, me and you will be having words later,"_ I think to myself, then turn my attention back to Alice.

We both sat there in silence for a few seconds, before Alice sighed, taking in a nervous breath. "I can only tell you so much, because I wasn't there, and he shut us all out; he was so alone. What did you really know about Edward, about his life, before you left?"

This made me angry again. _Breathe Bella. _

"We were together for over three years Alice, of course I knew him! I thought he was it for me… and for him to break my heart the way he did, without any reason at all, it destroyed me, heart and soul." I almost yelled this last part.

"He did have a reason to leave you, Bella; or at least at the time, he thought he did. Now he… now he knows differently; but then he thought that he was no good for you, Bella. There were some bad people who got under his skin; they knew what made him tick. Like I said, he was in way too deep. He was lead to believe that if he broke up with you, you would be able to move on, be with someone who deserved you, and most importantly, you would be safely out of his world. He had started to hang out with and listen to these other people, way before you left, and they got their claws in so deep. Do you remember Tanya?"

Tanya Denali, the fucking bitch, she had to have something to do with this, she had something to do with _everyone;_ her brother Mike, he liked to think of himself as the local badass. They were always together, like they were joined at the hip, and into to all sorts of shit.

Now Alice was making me nervous, made me wonder if everything I ever knew was wrong… was he lying all along? I closed my eyes; I was far too tired for this; talk about a train wreck... The feelings of dread, of rejection bubbled in the pit of my stomach. The one thing I didn't think that I could handle was for Alice to tell me was that he had cheated on me back then. The familiar feeling of terror swept back over me; I was losing control, my heart-felt like it was going burst out of my chest, and I couldn't breathe again.

Alice saw my panic, and finally grabbed my hand. "Bella, calm down. Please just calm down, please breathe!"

I have to get up, I feel trapped. "Alice…I can't..." The tears threatened to spill over again, anything to get this pain out, but nothing I do can stop the sheer feelings of panic and terror I have inside of me. My hands screw into tiny balls at my hips as I try to relieve some of the tension in my limbs, before finding their way to my face; I feel my finger nails painfully digging into my scalp. My brain once again goes dark; nothing is working. "Alice, it just means he really didn't love me, he didn't care and what did I… Oh GOD!"

I am in such a mess, in a trance that I don't notice Alice, who is now in front of me, trying to pull my arms away from my face. I can hear her telling me to breathe, to try and calm down, telling me that it's not what I think…

"But Alice, you said he was with Tanya Denali…"

I can feel Alice, she has hold of my face, with both hands either side… at this last sobbed outcry, her grasp on my face becomes firmer.

"NO! Bella, stop… please, it wasn't that…" She made me look her in the eyes, _God, she has his eyes…_

"Bella, listen closely to me…"

All the air is push out of Alice, as with a massive sigh, she delivers her final blow.

"Bella, Edward is a recovering drug addict."

* * *

I just stand there, staring at her, my hands now covering my mouth in shock.

"How… What… I don't... how can he be… I can't…What?" is my stunned response.

An uneasy silence makes the air in the room crackle as we both melt to the floor, leaning against the back of the sofa, her hands still grasping mine tightly. I can't wrap my head around what she just told me; Edward was using drugs? When we were together, how did I not know something like that?

Alice turns to me, she is pleading for me to stay, to hear her out.

"Please, Bella, just listen to me and I will answer anything you want after, I promise. I just, it is so hard to say this, let me get through, please."

Fresh tears pour down her face; I cannot doubt that this will be fucking hard. So I just nod my head, too exhausted to answer her out loud.

"Like I said before, I can't tell you everything, because I wasn't there, he didn't tell anyone what was happening, not even Emmett, and you know those two were inseparable. He shut us all out, he trusted no one, he was so paranoid… it was the drugs. Did you not notice how close he had become to the wrong crowd" I couldn't help but chuckle, when she did imaginary air quotes with her hands.

"When we were all in school, you know we all tried some stuff, alcohol, maybe some pot if someone had a joint, and it was nothing out of the ordinary, but Edward didn't stop there. At first it was just a bit of Coke or Ecstasy when he was at a party. He would leave the room with Mike or Tanya when you were dancing or distracted, Bella. Slowly, the Edward we knew slowly disappeared, without any of us noticing; I was too wrapped up in being in love with Jasper to realise he had changed, Emmett had his life and love, Rose was at the forefront of his thoughts and I guess now, looking back, you were just so invested in your relationship, so in love, with blinders on about how perfect Edward was, that you never saw the bad shit starting to creep in and take over his life."

Alice rummaged in her purse for a few moments, leaving me to my thoughts; was she right? Was I that blinded by my love for him, that I couldn't see the man I thought I knew so well was slipping away? Alice turned back, presenting me with a few fresh tissues.

"Like I said B... I can't tell you all the reasons why he decided to end things with you, he has never told us. I didn't know he did what he did, the way he…. but, but all I can say is that you have to talk to Charlie; he probably knows more than us." _Don't worry, I plan on doing just that,_ I thought.

"Bella, Edward is now at a place in his life where he can take responsibility for his actions in the past, and try to make amends for all the regret that has festered inside him for all these years. He can tell you what drove him to start using, but mostly Edward needs to tell you why he made the decisions that he did. Edward has been clean for the last two years; well, really three, but he's been actively trying to get better for over two years, and he has spent a lot of time away from the family and friends. His counsellor thinks it's about time he finally faced his past, and about time he faced his biggest regrets"

She really expects me to see him; I get butterflies just thinking about it. She was right; we _were_ both as fucked up as the other-but was I ready to face him? I already knew that the answer was HELL no.

Lost in my own thoughts, I made my plans. I had come here to see what Charlie wanted, and then I was going home; _simple_. Go home to where I had become the person I am now; I was stronger, I was NOT weak…_I had changed._

I looked at Alice; again, she reminds me of _him_, why did I feel sorry for her?_ For him? H_e did this to me! So what if he had 'issues'….fuck so did I… Alice was right, we were both fucked up and it was _his entire fault!_

I could feel myself getting angrier, more frustrated by the minute. He had taken away my family, my friends, my innocence…he had made me bleed, literally and figuratively. And the devil was I going to let him do it again! Squaring my shoulders I felt my protective mask right itself; this was finished, I was done with all the pain, DONE with Edward Fucking Cullen. Emotions be dammed; she had to go, NOW!

"Alice, I think it's about time you left. Edward made his decision; it's not my problem why he did it. And really, it's not your business."

Alice looked shocked at the iciness of my voice. _Like she actually thought I was going to let him explain._

"No, Bella please-he needs you, he did then and he does now…" The worry was clear in her voice.

"Sorry Alice, like I said, not my problem."

My voice was getting louder, anxious; I could hear Charlie moving around upstairs, I needed her out before I had to face him, Charlie knew all the details about why Edward left me, and need his side of the story. I needed answers.

Alice was still standing there, begging me with those damn eyes, waiting for me to give into the tears, change my mind like the old Bella would have. She would have given in to Alice`s mind games, but now, I was not the old Bella. _Sorry Alice, your time is up._

"_GET OUT, NOW!" _I yelled, and I must have looked scary enough to make Alice jump off the sofa and rush over to the door.

"Please Bella, please listen…"

"Alice, what part of 'get the fuck out NOW' do you not understand?" I have had enough, I am about to flip out, and my hand moves as if to push her out, but something, or should I say someone stops me. I jerk around only come eye to eye with Charlie, with a firm hold on my hand he nods at Alice behind me. Feeling safe, she goes for the low blow.

"Bella, before I go, please just think about what I said… Edward needs to face his past, face all of his mistakes, his regrets, and his biggest regret was, well still is… leaving you." With that, she slipped through the door, shutting it softly.

* * *

I am left shocked, standing there dumbly looking at the door. I can't turn around, can't look at the man behind me. I know I am going to crumble again, all these years.

Charlie knew _everything_. He knew more than everyone-he knew about Edward.

Charlie broke first. "Bella, talk to me, you have to know that I had my reasons…you must see that? See why I was scared for you…"

I spun around so fast it made Charlie jump back. "Oh, do tell _Dad_, what were your reasons, why did help _destroy my fucking life!"_ I sneered out, as I lifted the sleeves of my jumper, showing him my scars. His face grew pale, but he kept on.

"Bella let me explain; I didn't think you would react like you did, didn't realize how serious it was, your plans…I am so sorry. Edward was slowly going off the rails, even before you left. About a month before, he was taken to the hospital, Bella, I was the investigating officer–Edward was at a party that we were called out to shut down. I found him passed out in the bathroom, covered in vomit; he was in such a mess. We got him to the hospital and the doctor suspected a drug overdose, and to be honest so did I; all the evidence seemed to confirm the doctors suspicions. Once Edward was sober enough, I questioned him about what happened and was very laid back about the whole thing, said that it was just a mistake and not a big deal."

"That was when I mentioned you, off the record of course, but it had to be done… you are my daughter. He didn't care honey… he made me so damned mad; he was destroying his life, and was going to take you down with him. You had so much promise, the big college dream. I couldn't let him carry on like that, he was going to kill himself, and he could have killed you too, what would I have done then?"

Fuck, I'm about to lose my mind; all of this is just too much. "I can't deal with this," I say aloud, not to Charlie, but I just need to get it out there. It's all just a bit too much, and moving to sit down on the sofa, I can feel myself begin to rock back and forth.

Alice's words were echoing over and over again in my head; _Charlie probably knows more than any of us._

I was still struggling with my own thoughts when Charlie continued. "I know now I should have just charge Edward with possession instead of bargaining with him, but I told him I would drop all charges if he left you alone and never approached you again. He was in deep trouble by this point, so he would have agreed to anything; but if I knew back then what I know now, things would have been different, I have carried so much guilt around for all these years, Bella. Did Alice tell you how it all finally came out?"

Shaking my head for what seemed like the hundredth time today, was all he got as my answer. I was too shocked and hurt to speak.

_Breathe, Bella._ But it wasn't working anymore…

"About two years later…It was me who found him, Bella. He spiralled out of control when you left, going missing for days at a time. His family knew by then, what was happening. They tried to get him help but he was lost. It got to the point where Edward would leave town for weeks at a time; his parents would file missing persons reports, frantic that he was dead. I hadn't seen him for months, and then one day we got a call from someone who lived on the outskirts of town, they said there was a strange car parked up the road from them. So I took one of the patrol units and we went out to take a look." At this point, tears began to run down Charlie's face. _My dad never cries…_

"God…Bella I will always remember how he looked; his face, he was skinny, dirty, he look so sick, so lifeless. I pulled him out of the car; he was so still, and he was barely breathing-he still had a needle in his arm. His skin was grey, his lips blue, and he was covered in sores and bruises. I called it in, but I was afraid they would be too late, and I had to try to help him; I had failed both of you so badly before, I had to try to help…now. So I pulled his shirt open to start CPR and… he had your name tattooed over his heart; Bella, it hit me then what I had done. I kept his heart beating, until the EMT's were able to take over, but I was so afraid that I was too late, angry that I could have saved everyone so much heartache…"

"I've wanted to tell you what I had done so many times, but every time I saw you, you'd put up this front; you were trying so hard to live, I couldn't tell you I screwed up, I was too worried that I would lose you, like Carlisle and Esme had almost lost _their_ son. That's why when Alice came to me for my help, I saw it as my opportunity to fix the hurt that I had caused you both; I didn't really have a choice-you and Edward were both stuck living in this painful past, and this was finally my chance to fix things. I knew you were still unhappy; every time I saw you, I just knew. It's in your eyes Bella, they give you away every time …your soul is just empty without him."

I had to stop Charlie before what he said sent me over the edge. What he had told me… Edward had almost died? What had pushed him to destroy himself?

"Please stop, no more talking, Charlie. I am going to bed, today has been…" Rubbing my hands over my face, I knew that I had to get out of there.

"I need to sleep, I can't think about this for one more second or it will be over. Can we continue this tomorrow, before I go back to Bellevue?" Charlie looked dejected, like I was just going to leave and never come back.

Honestly, I didn't have a clue what I was going to do, but right now I needed space. Charlie smiled at me grimly, saying "You know where your old room is." I grabbed my bag from where I had left it by the door and made a break for it.

My feet felt like lead as I made my way upstairs; entering my old room was strange. It was full of the old me, the Bella that was truly happy. I had told Charlie I was leaving tomorrow, but I knew that I couldn't leave Forks until I knew everything. _Curiosity killed the kitty, you dumbass._

I knew that I couldn't deal with this on my own. Retrieving my phone from my pocket, I called the only person who could help me; Kate. It didn't even ring twice before she answered.

"_Hello, Bella? Are you okay? I have tried to call you for hours, don't ever do that again!"_

She sounded frantic, and hearing her voice tore apart the last bit of resolve I had in me. Sobbing, I managed to get out,

"I am at Charlie's, Kate, I…I need you. Now…please Kate."

"_Right, hold tight, Bella-I'm on my way. It will be okay, I promise."_

* * *

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	5. Chapter 5

**Authors Notes:**

**I ****can't believe how well my little old ramblings are going down…..THANK YOU all for reading, reviewing and rec'ing!**

**I need to once again need to thank Jill and Charlotte – You Rock and I love you girls millions… Also Thank you to Arch Morpheus, she has made me three beautiful story banners and brought my Bella and Edward to life.**

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* * *

Lovestrong

Chapter 5. You Scream, I Scream

I must have fallen asleep. I don't remember doing so, but I must have literally passed out. Trying to open my eyes is difficult, since they are welded shut with old tears. I can just imagine what I look like. Lying here barely moving, I act like I am still asleep, because she is here. I called for help, and of course she answered; because that's what we do, but I am still not ready to face her or the morning…

"Bella, I know you're awake, you need to get your ass up before Leah arrives; she's out for blood."

_Shit._

As I roll over to face Kate, my whole body is achy; again I try to pry open my eyes, but it is torture; I must have cried for hours yesterday. Peering through blurry, swollen, half-opened eyes, I see Kate sitting in my old rocking chair in the corner of the room. Kate isn't one to tiptoe around me or my problems, but the look she is giving me now is pitiful. Rolling over on to my back I stretch my limbs, trying to get rid of the stiffness I feel. I yawn, obviously still exhausted by last night's revelations. _Come on Bella, let's get this over_, I think to myself; knowing Kate is dying to find out what happened.

I have to get up; she is waiting, impatiently, for me to explain. As I stand the blanket that has covered me drops to the floor; she tries to be discreet, but I notice anyway. She does a quick check of my arms; _looking for fresh wounds, are we, Kate?_

"Not gonna find what you're looking for, babe," I say as I raise my arms out in front of me.

Bella, you know I worried about this trip, and when you called, all kinds of horrible thoughts went through my mind. I am guessing from the way your Dad acted when I turned up this morning, he has something to do with it?"

Wanting to delay the inevitable, I turn the questions back on her: "Is he down stairs still?"

"No, he left about an hour ago, said something about it probably being best if he makes himself scarce for the day. He said he would be back to see you later… Come on B, what the hell happened? You look like shit!"

Taking a deep breath in, I prepare myself to repeat everything that happened yesterday, but it still doesn't seem real. Deep in thought or maybe I'm in denial about the situation; I need to get this over. "Let me go to the bathroom; then, I will explain everything." I tell Kate.

Standing in front of the mirror this morning is a sobering experience; I look like hell. My eyes are red and swollen from tears, _no wonder I can't open them properly. _Bending over the sink, I splash cold water over my face - it is soothing; it numbs the sting. With my eyes still closed, I try to grab the towel that should be on the rack behind me, but instead I am handed it. Startled, I look up; I see Kate looking at me with the same look of pity I saw early. I can't help it; the tears begin to well up, I take a deep breath to try to stop them from spilling over. _Jesus, I thought I was all cried out…_ Kate knows me all too well; she pulls me into a huge hug, telling me its going to be okay and that she's here now and the tears fall.

Grabbing me by the hand she leads me back into my old room "Come on B…let's talk."

Both of us sit on my old tiny bed, still hand in hand, just like me and Alice did on the couch last night. This time, however, the girl sitting in front of me is here to rescue me from, not deliver me to evil. Both Kate and Leah are always there when I need them, so I have no problem telling either of them what has happened.

If I just could wrap my head around it first.

"This might not make much sense to you, because it sure as hell makes none to me," I tell Kate, preparing her for what I am about to tell her.

"Well, you know I came here because I thought Charlie needed me… well, I had been here for less than ten minutes, and Alice Fucking Cullen turned up at the front door. I couldn't believe it, it literally floored me. She begged me to listen. I was so stunned, but then I got mad as hell. I finally let her speak, and she filled in the blanks for me. Charlie knew she was coming…Kate, he was a big part of all of this. Oh God… he was the reason Edward let me go five years ago."

Kate sat there... shocked. Taking a deep breath, I continued.

"I showed her, what he did to me: I showed her my arms and you know I don't do that easily, but I had to tell her…show her, what had happened to me. I told her about you and Leah, about our home and then she…she told me about _him,_ how he needed my help and that he was in a better place now. Shit, Kate…Edward is a recovering drug addict!"

"What the…this was all about drugs, all along? I can't believe he fucking destroyed you because of his bad choices in life…that _fucker!_ But you said…Charlie; what is his part in all this?" Kate asked shock still clear in her voice.

"He caught Edward in a compromised position, suspected that he was using, and basically told Edward if he left me and never approached me again he would drop all charges. So Edward did just that, he picked his addiction over me. Fuck! I don't think it has all sunk in yet, to be honest."

Seeing my tears about to fall, Kate kicked into mothering mode; she ran to the bathroom, returning with a warm washrag for my eyes, and a cool glass of water. They helped enough that I could keep the tears from coming, and I felt I could carry on.

"I just can't believe it, Kate; my _own Dad_ knew about it for all this time and didn't tell me! So after having all this shit dumped on me, I kicked Alice out, and me and Charlie had a few words. I told him I couldn't stay here and was leaving right then, but he said that he needed me to stay and listen to his side of the story-it was pretty much the same as Alice's version, only Charlie told me how everyone found out about Edward's drug addiction."

I was gasping by this point, so I drank some more water. Kate, Bless her heart, was just waiting patiently. _Is there any wonder why she is my best friend?_

"Apparently, two years after I left, Charlie found him in his car, overdosing and close to death. God…Kate, he almost died! Charlie said he was filthy and skinny and sick…when he did CPR, he saw that Edward had my name tattooed over his heart_. Fuck_. Charlie has had a guilty conscience for the last five years, over Edward getting so bad, over me leaving, but mostly breaking us apart. He chose not to tell me because he was afraid…afraid he would lose me. Did he not see he lost me five years ago?"

I had to compose myself; I could feel myself getting upset and angry again. I put the now-cool rag across my burning eyes, and felt my friend shift next to me on the bed.

"I tell you what B…let's get some breakfast, enough with the heavy for now. Plus, I haven't seen you in like, two days. Let's get you cleaned up and we will relax for a while."

I was just about to agree with Kate, when we heard a car, which was playing the loudest music you have ever heard, racing down the street. Both me and Kate look at each other, our thoughts more than likely mirroring one another's…

_Watch out Forks; Leah has arrived._

* * *

We made our way downstairs, to find Leah had just about made herself at home, sitting atop of the kitchen table, eating cereal straight out of the box.

"Holy shit, Bella…what the hell happened to you? You look like crap!"

I can't help it; all I can do is laugh, but it's not a normal chuckle, it's a hysterical kind of cackle. I don't know, maybe it's the built up stress I have inside me but I just can't stop laughing, and now both my best friends are staring at me like I have gone batshit crazy.

"Nice to see you too, Leah," I manage to get out in-between my fits of laughter. Kate is stood next to me; she rolls her eyes, and shoves me in the direction of the stairs.

Over a greasy breakfast, and with Kate's help, I fill Leah in on my clusterfuck of a life over the past day, but again Leah just makes us laugh, throwing in a few highly inappropriate jokes just for good measure. Leah's role as a friend is to lighten the mood, to make us laugh; she doesn't take anything too seriously. She is amazing - I am sure her brain runs on a different frequency from the rest of the human race, her ability to change the feeling in a room astounds me. She is in front of me, listening to me tell her my sob story: that the love of my life left me because my Dad told him to, and his biggest regret wasn't that he got addicted to drugs or that he nearly killed himself, but it was that he regretted leaving me.

When suddenly she spits out her coffee, and all but yells, "OH MY GOD… I forgot to tell you two, with all _her_ drama it totally slipped my mind…guess what, my sorry-ass ride broke down on the way here. That shit heap of a car finally packed in, it just died on me. Yeah, and Bella why didn't you tell me Forks had its own supply of fine ass eye candy? I SO would have been here sooner!"

"Umm, Leah, sorry but what the fuck are you talking about?" Kate voiced loudly, exactly what I was thinking.

"I just told you; the shitmobile died right there on the side of the road, and I was just about to call a tow truck when my own knight in dirty overalls pulls up and fixes it. I can't remember what he said his name was, but God, who the hell cares…WHAT AN ASS HE HAD! Anyway I didn't want to know his life story…but he helped me get the car started. Bitches, he was a fucking hottie, with a capital H! I have to hunt him down and…and…I want to lick him! My God…he was talking and I just watched_ him.._. Anyway I didn't hear half of what he saying; I was too busy looking, but I did hear him ask where I was going, so I mentioned that I was a friend of Bella Swan's, and he got this funny-ass look on his face. What's up with that, B?"

"Strange look, great ass, and you can't remember his name…doesn't leave me much to go on," I said, rolling my eyes at Leah's one-track mind.

"Nope, but I am sure his last was a color… or something odd like that!" Leah replied.

_Bingo…Oh my, Leah has just met Jake…this could get interesting._

* * *

It's so good to have my girls here, as they help take my mind off the whole Edward situation. I still haven't decide what to do, about Charlie I mean, I can't just leave without talking to him, not like this; he already thinks he has lost me and truthfully, I can't just turn my back on my Dad, however bad our problems are. BUT I will let him stew for a while; he deserves to suffer for what he has done to me.

Edward, however, is a whole different matter. I can't face him; I don't even want to _think_ about him right now, never mind see him. Yes, now I know that he had his reasons for breaking my heart, but regardless of that, he still destroyed me and I just can't forget, let alone forgive.

After our heavy heart to heart, and Leah telling us she is in love with her 'mystery' mechanic, we have decided a movie day is in order, and what movie day would be complete without ice cream and junk food. So they have decided that we need to head out and get supplies. I have been thrown back in the bathroom to get ready to, now how did Leah put it… 'Hit the town'. When I told the girls that Forks had one small grocery store, I don't think they believed me. _Boy, are they in for a surprise!_

I can hear them; they are getting fed up of waiting and I have only been in here for twenty minutes; they need to give me some time, for God's sake! I look like death warmed over! I am dressed in grey skinny jeans and my old…and I mean old faded blue hoodie. My hair is pulled back into a messy pony tail, and don't even mention make up. I don't wear loads of it anyway, but I need some concealer to cover the massive bags that have formed under my puffy eyes, It looks like I even have some color in my paler than usual cheeks.

"Come on Bella…hurry the hell up, we are only going to the store!" Kate yells down the hall.

"Yeah come on B…I need ice cream, booze, and Cheetos!" So it's Leah's turn to shout at me.

"Fuck off you giant pains in my ass…I am just about finished, give me a second!" I scream back, trying to shut them up.

As I open the door, Kate and Leah are outside the bathroom door waiting for me, I tumble out saying "Right, I am done, now let's go!" They are both staring at me like I have just killed their pet goldfish, and I know what is causing it - it's the hoodie. Both girls are always telling me to ditch the baggie clothes but I can't; I need the protection they provided. If people were to see my arms, all sorts of questions, or even worse; stares, would be thrown at me.

We all jump in Kate's black Audi, and I direct her to the only store in Forks. The memories of this place are overwhelming. I can tell Leah and Kate are trying their best to keep my mind occupied, so I also try to keep my mind off the fact that the Bella Swan is in back in Forks, and that I am soon to be out in public. Everyone in this shitty, gossip-driven little town knows what happen to _him _before I did. It feels like everyone is looking at the car, everyone is looking at me, but I know that besides Charlie and Alice, no one knows I am here…yet.

We pull in to the store, and Kate and Leah are about to jump out, when they both stop and look at me. Still sat staring out of the window; I am frozen in my seat.

"Bella, come on we will run in, get the junk food, and get back to Charlie's," Kate tries to reassure me.

"Come on, babe; let's get this show on the road. Once these fuckers see you, the sooner they will get their bullshit over with." Leah's advice is less than helpful.

With a deep breath, taking in as much oxygen as I can, I step out of the car, and it immediately feels like there is a giant neon arrow above my head, screaming 'Bella Swan is here!' I can feel my chest tighten and the edges of my vision blacken, I am pretty sure that I can't do this.

But then, I feel my girls on either side of me; Kate loops her arm through mine, and I instantly feel the weight lift; my girls are with me, and I am going to be okay, dammit.

We approach the automatic doors and I can hear the whispers behind me already; old Mrs Cope has noticed that the runaway Swan child has returned. _Fuck her, fuck them all! _I think to myself, as I try to ignore all the murmurs following me. This time, my crazy friend comes through for me:

"They don't know the real Bella Swan, sweetie; hold your head high, you fucking rock!" _God, I love Leah_.

I should have guessed picking the ice cream would be a massive task; we can never choose the same flavour. It's always the same; we just can't agree. After what feels like an hour, I have had enough of being here.

"Kate, I am going to get some hot chocolate, meet me in the next isle when you two decide between mint chocolate and double chocolate-chocolate chip." Kate makes a grunting noise as she and Leah continues to bicker over which ice cream is best for curing heartbreak.

"_This should be worth staying around for," _I hear someone say as I walk into the next aisle to get the hot chocolate mix. It seems, though, that sometime in the last five years, the aisle layout has changed. I am now stood in the pet supply aisle.

That is when my eyes fall on a tall, slender man with copper-colored hair…

_NONONO, this isn't happening, oh God Bella… BREATHE…_

His back is to me, or it was until he heard my strangled gasp.

As he turns around, the basket I am holding crashes to the floor. His beautiful, deep green eyes go from the tipped-over basket that I was holding... to my eyes, and he is slowly taking in every inch of me. I can't help but return his stare.

He is still beautiful. He must have cut his hair, it's shorter than it used to be; _it suits him. _He is a lot thinner than I remember too, but his muscles are defined under his tight black t-shirt. I can't help but greedily take him in; this is the man who was my whole world for so long, and he is now standing right in front of me. His dark jeans hang low on his hips; on his feet are his trademark black Chucks…in his hand is a grubby Mariners baseball cap_. I have never seen him in a cap before, that's new. _

_He is still…_my inner thoughts are cut off by…_ him._

_Breathe…_

"Bella," he whispers, still staring at me. I realize that my face is wet with tears.

As he starts to walk towards me, Kate and Leah rush up behind me. They both stay back a little, as they try to figure out who is the man standing opposite to me. You could hear a pin drop, the tension is electric.

"Bella…God, please," he whispers again, as he takes another step towards me. I stupidly, and for some random reason notice what he has in his hand; a yellow package and a small can of something.

I automatically take a step back, bringing myself in line with Kate and Leah, who have probably by now, figured it out; they both grab an arm, guessing that I could hit the deck at any second. _Probably guessing correctly ladies,_ is my only thought as he takes one step closer to me, his empty hand shakily reaching for me.

This time I react differently, wildly shaking my head at him and raising my hands in warning; he stops dead in his tracks.

"Edward…NO!" I barely breathe out. "Stop… Stay away…"

His lightly tanned face goes pale, and it is his turn to drop what he is holding. The small can rolls to a stop, next to the Cheetos, limes, and Blue Moons that we had picked out, what now seems like hours ago. I feel like I am in a horror movie, one from which I cannot escape.

I do the only thing I can think of... Shaking out of my friend's grasp, I turn and walk away.

I don't run, I don't make a scene…I do what he did five years ago…

With no other thought than saving myself, I walk away.

* * *

**Thanks for reading...Please now...go you know what to do REVIEW!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Authors note**

**As normal I need to show my love for Jill and Charlotte who as always are there when I need a swift kick up the ass.**

**I have been advised by my wing woman to add more to my disclaimer... So here goes**

**Well obviously I don't own twilight or the characters, but I do own the plot and all Lovestrong related ramblings! This Fic is rate M for a reason: for the Motherf#*king bad language, the Mind blowing future lemons and the Mangled lives of our Bella, Edward and Mallow!**

**That's all from me... Enjoy!**

* * *

Lovestrong

Chapter 6. I'd give up forever to touch you

EPOV

I wake up with a heavy weight on my chest this morning. It didn't worry me though… the drool and cat food breath reassured me that this was just another morning.

You see, my mornings tend to mimic each other; apparently, routine is good for me. Normally, me and my main man will have a few minutes of alone time, and I will reassure him that he will have HIS breakfast as soon as I got mine. I get up, take a piss, wash my face and hands, AND the puddle of drool on my chest. Also brush my teeth to combat my morning breath…._hmm; I wonder if you can brush a cat's teeth?_ Throwing on a t-shirt and sweats over my boxer briefs, I stroll out into the main room of my studio apartment, my furry friend both leading and herding me to where his food dish is.

As usual, Alice is there to join me for breakfast-she comes over every morning at 9 AM, except for Sundays and holidays-but today seems different. As I make my way into the kitchen, Alice looks preoccupied, like she has somewhere more important to be. She's done this for the last year that I have lived alone, and she has always made sure that I knew that there was no other place she would rather be; even with her own husband.

"Morning, Ali."

"Oh! Yeah, good morning Edward," she answers with a wave of her hand.

"Is everything okay?"

Wow, this is so odd. She is usually all hugs in the morning-for both me, and the Little Prince. Alice doesn't reply; she is staring at her phone, like she is willing it to ring…something is wrong, I can feel it.

"Alice…Alice!" I shout, snapping her out of her day-dream.

"Sorry Ed, I am just…you know what? It doesn't matter. How was your night? Would you like some coffee?" And the normal resumes…

"MALLOW! Come see Auntie Alice, my sweet boy!" Knowing she carries his favourite catnip treats, Mal abandons his efforts to trip me and runs to my sister. _The little traitor…_

Nodding my head, I sit at the kitchen table, waiting for her to carry on her everyday conversation; what are plans for the day? Have you taken your medication? And every day my answers remain the same..._Not much-hang out with Mal and work, and yes, Mom!_ But the familiar never comes this strange morning…

Now I know something is bothering her; she hasn't asked me; she _never_ fails to ask if I have taken my meds. She knows me, and my routine, too well; if she doesn't remind me, I have a tendency to forget. My mind drifts as I get lost, or my mood can slip; I dwell.

"Alice, are you okay? You don't seem like yourself today."

"I am fine I promise…just waiting for… Edward, I am just wore out, it's nothing for you to worry about, promise."

I am watching her as closely as she, and the rest of my family, have been watching me for the last three years, whether I was aware or not. She barely holding it together; she's fidgeting, tapping her nails on my butcher-block table; _Welcome to my world, Alice. It's a strange, fucked-up place._ Maybe she had a fight with Jasper; she can be a little overbearing at times. Remembering back to when I first came home from the rehab hospital, she practically walked me through life; fed me, made sure I got a shower, force-feeding me my meds… _oh yeah, speaking of pills._

"Alice, pass me them, will you?" I ask, pointing to my cocktail of medications, lined up like a small army against the wall on the shelf behind her.

"What…sorry Edward, what did you say?"

Frustrated with the oddness of my morning, I am ready to run back to bed. "Never mind Al, I will do it." Getting up, I walk over to the sink, but just as I am about to grab a glass of water, my crazy cat, who I had forgotten in all the weirdness, jumps up on the work top and startles the hell outta me. Still purring, he starts with his weird yodeling 'meow', bumping my arm so hard the water splashes on the floor. "Mallow, quit it, will you get your fix after I have mine…wait. You little shit!"

Marshmallow, aka Mallow, aka Mal, aka little shit, was my therapist Garrett's idea. He was anxious for me not to be on my own after I was discharged from rehab where I had spent over a year receiving physical, mental, and drug therapy. There were things that I had to completely re-learn, and some bad habits that I had to learn to live without. The most important thing that happened in my time there, other than developing an obsession with art; which I love… was that I met Garrett, who realised that I was, and had been, suffering from severe clinical depression and a variety of anxiety disorders. Years of therapy and a mixture of different drugs, along with lots of physical and occupational therapy, had resulted in the new, and very bewildered, me; Garrett often said, I was a work in progress…

"_At least if you had a pet, you could talk to it, since you refuse to tell me when you are upset… it would be something good to focus on."_ I think those were his words. _Well, who am I to argue!_ Mallow arrived via Alice, and the local Humane Society, the day after I moved into the apartment that Mom and Alley had decorated. This tiny kitten was all white fur, giant golden ears, and big almond-shaped blue eyes, with a meow twice his size. Now a year later, I have to admit I am completely in love with the white fur ball, but I can't hack his early morning attitude; if he doesn't get fed on time, he is a demon. _Like father, like son…_ Popping my pills, I reach into the cabinet to grab Mal some food, when I realize what I forgotten yesterday…kitty kibble.

Fuck, now he is giving me the evil eye, like he knows the bag is empty. This is going to take some serious grovelling. "Sorry, buddy, I gotta go to the store; give me half an hour, and I promise, I will make it up to you." He begins meowing, acting like he hasn't been fed in a week. Looking at me with huge eyes, I can just tell what he is trying to say… _I will get you for this, fucker… remember that hairball in your favourite cap?_

Alice looks up at me, amused, as always, by our human-feline conversations. "I'll go for you, Edward." She takes her job as guardian very seriously. Alice still makes sure that I eat healthy, that my apartment is clean and tidy, my bills are paid, and more recently, helped me get my driver's license back. After waking from a six week coma three years ago, I had suffered from a series of seizures; now seizure free, I was finally allowed to come off the meds, which meant that I could finally, once again, drive. It gave me a rare sense of excitement.

"No, don't worry Ali, the fresh air will do me good…you stay here, get some breakfast, reassure Mal that he won't die cause his food bowl is empty. I'm just gonna jump in the shower real quick," I tell her as I head down the hall into my bedroom. I have to give it to my mother-this place is my solace. I am surrounded by things that make me relax; things that make me happy again, another one of Garrett's ideas. Stashed in the corner are my art supplies: I love to paint, sketch, make stained glass or mosaic pieces-anything to keep my hands and mind busy. One corner of my bedroom is covered in photos; Mallow as a kitten, of my family: Esme and Carlisle; my ever-forgiving parents, my sister and Jasper, looking so much in love, and my best friend Emmett, and his girlfriend Rose; such a change from my 'friends' from Before. Other than Garrett, these are the only six people I can trust with my life, apart from _her. _

Her picture is also there. Maybe I am delusional, maybe it is unhealthy, or maybe its wishful thinking keeping it here, but regardless; she is still a part of me. I find myself now, like most days, fixated by her picture; she still affects me and the tightening in my sweatpants only adds as evidence of that fact. I can't help it; ever since I came off some of the harder meds, and especially the seizure meds, my, umm…let's say 'urges' have returned. I have spoken to Garrett about my newly discovered problem. He assures me it's normal for a guy my age to have these constant 'feelings', but he not too sure it's healthy for me to be imagining my ex-girlfriend while I jack off.

Stepping into the shower, I close my eyes as the hot water cascades down my back. I squirt some shampoo in my hand and quickly wash my hair and body, my mind begins to drift. I can still see her eyes staring back at me; chocolate brown against milky white skin; the skin just below her ears, where she was most sensitive. I always imagine pulling her close and sucking on that patch of skin, as I feel her, and the way her hands move slowly down my torso. I can't help the shudder that rocks my body as I grab my rock hard erection and start to pump; I can see her as clear as day, it's _her_ hand wrapped around my cock, it's _her _voice that's moaning out as I reach down inside her lace thong and sink my finger inside her, brushing my knuckles gently against her most sensitive parts. She drops to her knees in front of me; she's licking her lips as I feel myself start to come undone, climbing to the peak of my orgasm. Her warm lips capture the tip of me, and I can feel her tongue swirl around my head as my hips thrust at nothing…the warm steams of cum hit the shower wall and my head drops back.

As always, the warm water splashing my face brings me back to the reality and the fact that it is just me in the shower, all on my own. With my head against the shower door, I switch the water off, getting out I wrap a towel around myself and head to my closet. I can hear Alice phone ring as I start getting dressed, going for the usual jeans and a black t-shirt. _Get your act together Edward, you have a cat to feed! _I think to myself as I pick up a Mariners cap, one of many from my vast collection; they are my disguise on days when I don't want people to stare at the monster they think I am. I run my hands through my short, wild hair before giving up, and putting the cap on, bill forward. I briefly stop to run my fingers over the smooth, varnished wood of the medium-sized black and red box on my dresser, then grab my watch and phone awaiting me in the same place it does, every morning. _Routine…I am your bitch._

Heading out of my room I walk back toward the living area, and I can hear Alice on the phone, I am guessing to Jasper, probably sorting out whatever it is that's been eating away at her all morning; that preoccupied she doesn't even notice I am back in the room. On my way to get my keys so I can go the store, I am stopped in my tracks…I turn around and face Alice as I hear her say, "What…whatever you think, Charlie." Okay, so she is not talking to Jasper, and the only Charlie we know is Charlie Swan. Alice's hands become more animated, as she turns to face me, only now realising I am here in the room with her. Looking at me all slack-jawed; she answers the caller's last question. "No…not yet, right, I will let you go." Pressing a button, she takes a breath preparing her for the worst.

"So Alice, do you wanna tell me why you were just talking to Charlie Swan?"

"No…not really," Alice replies, shaking her head as if she _really_ wants me to drop it… or for the floor to swallow her up.

She knows I won't. Charlie Swan is a bit of a sore subject with me. Yes the man saved my life, _but_ he also tied the knot in the rope that hung me. _I know… I know; I am the only one responsible for my actions... What the fuck-ever._ "Al…Please, after all this time, why have you been on the phone to the Chief?"

"Bella," was Alice's whispered reply.

As always, the sound of her name makes my heart skip several beats. "What about her?"

"She's back, Edward…Bella is in Forks."

Back? Okay, she did just say that, right? How long have I been waiting to be back in the same town as Bella, and now she is here, and I AM NOT ready for this What the fuck do I do? I always thought I would get some warning, I always thought it would be me going to her, not her coming back to Forks. I thought I would have it all rehearsed.

"Edward, I saw her yesterday, and… she's changed, I mean she looks pretty much the same as she always did, but she's different." Alice was clearly nervous about telling me this.

"How do you know she is here, Ali?"

"I have known for a week or so that she would be back soon, umm… I asked Charlie for help."

I can feel my blood pressure rise. "WHAT! You have what? Why the HELL would you do that, Mary Alice Cullen!"

"I…I had to help, you are stuck in limbo, without Bella; just surviving. There is so much more that you need, _you need to be happy._ I thought if you spoke to Bella, if you guys hashed out the past, she could help you move on, with or without her, but she's just as bad as you. I didn't expect the reaction I got, okay so I knew she would be pissed, even upset, but she kicked me out, Edward."

"_That's my girl!" _Wow, where did that thought come from? All I knew was that I wanted to go there and beg her to speak to me, to forgive me, but if Alice got that bad of a reaction, then what would I get? I had betrayed her; hurt her because of stupid… "Wait, how much did you tell her?"

I didn't need her answer: Alice's face said it all, but she answered anyway.

"She knows it all, Edward…the drugs, the overdose, even what Charlie's part in all of it was-she knows you were in rehab for everything. She is pissed as hell, hurt, angry, Charlie thinks she's probably packing as we speak. He said her friend had arrived early this morning, so he gave them some space; I don't know who she's angriest with, but I don't think he expects her to still be there when he goes home later."

I gasp in a breath, trying to slow my racing heart. _Shit, that's all I need is to have a panic attack and end up back in the hospital…_ "How is she, Alice?"

"I won't lie to you Edward; she isn't in a good place. Like I said, she has changed; she's been though a lot. Leaving Forks, she lost everything, you know?"

Yeah…I know…I did too…I remember it so vividly. It visits me in nightmares, often.

* * *

Five years ago.

_I saw her. After leaving her house, I numbly drove around-it could have been hours or minutes. On autopilot, I returned home, grateful my parents and sister were gone for the day. __I was getting twitchy, I hadn't scored in hours, and then Tanya had arrived and was set on 'helping' me take my mind off everything. As she began crushing and mixing the pills and powders, by habit, I walked to the bay window at the front of my room, only to see Bella's__ car idling at the end of my drive way. Like I had binoculars, I could see her looking up at the house. I didn't think she could see me, but she obviously did… _

_Fuck! All at once, she was staring right though me. I could see the tears on her face, and I wanted to go to her, but the Chief's words were permanently engraved on my brain: _"I will drop all charges if you leave her alone, get out of her life."_ I had to leave her, no one could find out about my fuck up, especially _her_… so I made myself turn away from the window… from Bella, from my heart, to see Tanya just finishing her mix: coke with some form of pain killer-she said it would make me numb. That was good, I already felt numb, but I wanted more, I wanted to kill the pain forever, so I took the rolled up $100 bill from the mirror and inhaled the white powder._

_Tilting my head back, I had an instant rush. I couldn't feel my body, couldn't think if I had to. Smiling, I dropped to the floor; finally, happily numb...all that mattered was that I felt nothing._

* * *

"I have to see her…she's at Charlie's, right?" I asked Alice.

"Yes, but Edward, you can't just go over there, she doesn't want to see you right now, and like Charlie said, she's more than likely on her way out of town as we speak!" God love my sister, bless her heart; even after all I had put my family through, even though she was the little sister, she was always assuming the role of my protector.

"Alice, do you know how long I have waited to be near her? You can't expect me not to try, I need to tell her how sorry I am and that I love her…" _Yeah, great plan, dumbass…and you'll both live happily ever after. _My inner voice was developing a bigger attitude than my cat.

"Edward… You need to leave her be for now, let her make her own mind up. She must be overwhelmed…she knows what happened now, so let her make her own decisions. If she wants to speak to you she will, you just have to give her some time."

I know Alice is right. I made this mess, my fucked up choices affected us all, but I don't know if I can just wait for her to come to me; she is only about five minutes away and I am going let her leave fucking town again! Once she leaves, how will I know she will come back, what if, after Alice telling her, all of this has scared her…who am I kidding, it scares me. I pushed her way five years ago… it's my entire fault. I can't blame her if she doesn't want to see me again, how could she ever trust me?

Mal, who crawled into my lap earlier, sensing my stress, now interrupts my pity party with a piteous "MAOOOOOW!"

"Edward, I am going to go the store, get Mallow his food, before he starts chewing on your arm."

I really need that air now. "No…I am okay, I could do with some space," I tell Alice. I pass her my cat and grab my keys and head, once again, towards the door.

Sitting behind the wheel of my 2001 Silverado, I debate whether to drive by the Swan house… _just to see if she is still there._ Can I do it to myself? What if she's there, can I just drive by…_I don't know? _Starting my truck I head to the head is all over the place, I know I need to speak to Garrett later-he always helps straight out my thoughts. _Maybe I can go for a run, or pull out my acrylics…_

Pulling my head out, I realize where I am. I have to go past the end of Charlie's street to get to the store. I unconsciously slow down; in the drive way are parked two unfamiliar cars-a red Volvo and an old battered hunk of junk on wheels that may have started its life as a Mustang…_I wonder if one is Bella's? _I am trying so hard not to turn the truck back around and just go see her, but like Alice said, it needs to be on her terms: I can't force her hand again.

I hate going to the store; everyone has an opinion about me, and half of them can't keep their damn mouths shut. As I get out of the truck, my normal plan of action kicks in-hurry up, get what I need, then get out-if I don't pay attention to people, they will forget I am here…_One can hope, right?_

I only need Meow Mix and catnip treats… and some special food as a treat for Mallow, as I have neglected him this morning. _And maybe he needs a new catnip mouse...where the hell does that cat hide all of his toys?_

Being in here always makes me think, what if? There are families here doing their weekly shop, an elderly couple deciding what they want for dinner tonight… I could be well on my way to all of that, if I would have just put the people I care about first instead of my addiction. If only I had been honest and asked for help, I could be here shopping for baby food instead of cat food. It's easy to say that now, but back then drugs were a part of me, the need for them coursed through my body, right alongside my blood supply.

I am standing there, deciding what flavor of cat food to get Mal… _Oh what my life has come to…_ I think to myself. My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of two girls bickering over what ice cream to choose in the next aisle. From behind me I hear a gasp; my head shoots up, and I find myself blindly grabbing at a can of cat food. I know that voice; I turn around and come face to face with the girl who haunts my dreams every night. I think my heart, which earlier beat out of my chest at the thought of seeing her, has now stopped.

She _does _look different, her face is slimmer than I remember, her posture stiffer, but still she's the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She looks even more in shock than me; the basket she was holding has now crashed to the floor, the noise attracting everyone's attention, and soon she is flanked on either side by two girls. Both of them are looking at me, and as their eyes turn angry, I would guess they have figured out who I am.

She is looking at me, hard, like she's deciding which bits of me are still Edward and which bits are new. I take the opportunity to take in the sight in front of me, like it's the last time I will ever see her; I drink her in from head to toe. Her hair is still long, tied back off of her face and she is wearing an oversized blue hoodie, which seems like it's there to hide her from the world. Grey jeans that are showing off her amazing legs, and she still wears Converse; I smile, looking down at my own old favourite pair of Chucks …_ and why does she keep tugging at the arms on her hoodie like that? She looks so vulnerable._

"Bella…" Her name passes through my lips before I have even had time to think about what I am saying. I take a step towards her… and she takes a step back.

Alice was right. _This is not good_.

It's a split second decision, do I let her go, or do I fight? It doesn't take two seconds…Decision made, I fight. Taking another step towards her, I again whisper her name, reaching my free hand out to her, but this time she reacts more harshly. The two girls on either side of her are holding on to her for dear life.

She violently shakes her head at me, raising her hands, palms towards me as if to say stop, as if to ward off something bad. And then I heard her, for the first time in five years.

"Edward…NO!" she half-yells… "Stop…stay away," she put more aggression behind her final words.

The rest happens in slow motion, as I am stuck to the spot, as if my body can't remember what to do. The bag and can of cat food drop from my numb fingers, the can rolling to a stop near her feet. I can hear and see everything extra clearly, but can't move an inch. I am frozen, my hand extended in front of me.

Bella always has surprised me. As angry as Alice said she was, I expect her to scream and shout at me. Instead, she does the complete opposite… she simply turns and walks away.

_Don't worry Bella…the irony isn't lost on me, _is all I can think as I watch her retreating form, walking out of the store, and probably out of Forks for good.

* * *

**Thank You!**

**Now you know what to do…..REVIEW.**

**Oh hell! You never thought I would leave Edward hang like that, did you? Come back next week…He has a hell lot more to say!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Authors Notes**

**I need to show my love for Jill and Charlotte who as always are there when I need a swift kick up the ass and a massive 'welcome to the team' my new Pre Reader Sarah.**

**This Chapter is dedicated to my beautiful best friend Rachel, who over the last twelve months has proven to me that a person can overcome almost anything… love ya!**

**Well obviously I don't own twilight or the characters, but I do own the plot and all Lovestrong related ramblings! This Fic is rate M for a reason: for the Motherf#*king bad language, the Mind blowing future lemons and the Mangled lives of our Bella, Edward and Mallow!**

**That's all from me... Enjoy!**

* * *

Lovestrong

Chapter 7. My calm before the storm.

EPOV

Two pissed-off girls stood in front of me, the only reminder that Bella was here no more than five minutes ago. They both look ready to pounce; they can come at me with all they got, for all I care. Bella's reaction was a killer, and I can feel myself dissolving into a shaking, panicky mess. I need to get the fuck out of here…and I have to speak to Garrett. On autopilot, I somehow remember my original mission. Bending down to pick up the bag of cat food for Mallow, I can hear the two girls debating on whether to 'kick my ass' or leave me alone with my misery_… that obvious, is it girls?_ I think to myself. Looking up I notice they have made their decision-they are following in Bella's footsteps and leaving my sorry ass to wallow in pity.

Hurrying to the checkout, the need to get home, being alone is becoming suffocating. I pulled my black t-shirt loose around the collar… "God… It's getting warm in here," I murmur to no one. I don't even look at the girl as I pay her for Mal's food. It doesn't go unnoticed that everyone is watching me, more than likely waiting for me to flip out; not giving them the satisfaction, I grab the bag and rush out to my truck, panting with unease.

Standing next to the truck, I keep my eyes on the ground. I try focusing on something…anything, but my skin still begins to feel like its burning, a sure sign that my anxiety is creeping in. Fighting to remember the way Garrett taught me to calm down; I hold on to my wrist… _count the beats, Edward. _It's working; I can feel my heart beat slow. Leaning back against the truck, I raise my head in time to see a black Audi roaring out of the parking lot. But it's not the Audi that catches my eye; it's the look of longing and pain on the face of the girl in the passenger seat…_Bella. _As the car disappears from sight, my heart beat has all but returned to normal; _she always did soothe me. _Looking down where my hand still has hold on my wrist, just above my pulse point, is my constant reminder of my recovery and how Bella was on my mind a lot of the time. It's the second of three tattoos I have, a nautical star wrapped in blue and green ribbons.

Getting into my truck, I know I should really take a minute to calm down before I drive home - just to sit and recover - but my cell phone sings out, disturbing me from my inner thoughts. Looking down at the screen I see that its Alice… of course it is, I have been so long, she probably worried shitless. _Maybe I should let her wait; she's interfered enough for my liking. _

"Hello Alice," I snapped, answering her call.

"Edward… where the hell are you?" Alice's question comes out as one massive, strung together word.

"I am fine, the store just took longer than it should have; I am on my way back now."

"Thank god…I thought…well I don't know what I thought…maybe, you had seen…Bella?"

_Damn Alice…it's like she see this shit in her head before it happens…_

"Urmm…no Alice, I just…fuck, I just needed some time by myself," I replied, deciding not to let Alice know what had just happened… she would freak the fuck out and I'd never get rid of her today.

"Right…so as long as you're okay? I am going to head out-Jasper called, and I am meeting him after work, so I need to get my errands done…Oh, Edward? Do you wanna meet me and Mom for coffee tomorrow afternoon? Well, she kinda knows Bella's home, too." _Dammit, does everyone in this town know about Bella but me?_

"No Ali, I think I might give it a miss, I'm really not ready for that conversation."

"Yeah, I guess so…okay sweetie, then I will see you in the morning… oh and Edward? I am sorry I didn't tell you about Bella sooner, but I just wanted it …to help." I could hear the apology in my sister's voice, but I just wasn't ready to let this shit go. Help or not, now, I was one revelation away from a full-fledged fucking breakdown.

"I know you meant well, but I just wish you hadn't… you piss me off with your interfering, you don't realize what this is doing to me. Alice…I love you but I gotta go… I will see you tomorrow."

"Bye, Edward, I love you too." Alice's voice is strained; she thinks she knows how I am feeling, just like she knows I am hiding something. I will tell her eventually; I was finished with keeping secrets from my family years ago. They did nothing but destroy us, one lie at a time.

I have tried so hard to change the way I see myself, but sometimes I find it so hard to keep my temper under wraps. When Alice told me she went behind my back, worked with Charlie and meddled in both mine and Bella's lives, I was pissed off. I think I went into shock, unable to tell her just how angry I was. I still can't believe she brought Bella back here; did she _really_ expect us both to be able to face each other, and instantly, everything would be okay?

I mean, I can't even imagine how Bella is feeling now, but I am a mixture of emotions; happy, dejected, scared … but mostly, I am ashamed; ashamed that I left her, ashamed that I choose drugs over her, and most of all, ashamed that I let other people have an bigger influence over me then she ever did. Their influences made me make choices that led to our destruction.

While I was in rehab, Garrett helped me realise how much of a fuck up my life had become. Now I can see how it must have looked to everyone in my life-how easy it was for me to turn my back on Bella, on my family but they will never truly understand how deeply rooted my drug addiction had become. Sometimes I sit and thank God, that Bella wasn't around to see me fall, hit rock bottom; it would have been bad enough for her to see me, dying for another fix-I would resort to anything, lie and steal to get my hands on some dope.

But for her to see how Tanya had me wrapped around her little finger, at her beck and call, it would have crushed her. Tanya had become the 'middle man' between me and Mike … she was my supplier; she'd bring the party to me whenever I wanted it. We would get high together, and she would come on to me. I would tell her whatever she wanted to hear, basically conning her into handing the shit to me on a silver platter. I wasn't interested in her nasty ass; I would have never gone there. She kept on bringing me a bigger, better high, a harder drug, every time in the hopes that I would get fucked-up enough to do the nasty with her. It was never about Tanya… it was all about the drugs, I was there for the high. I was so relieved when I came home from the hospital and she was…_gone_.

Chucking my phone on the seat next me, I threw the truck into reverse, and I headed home; at least I know Alice won't be there, which gives me time to call Garrett. Over two years of therapy has given me the tools so that I am able to recognise the times when I was in over my head and needed him to keep my ass from drowning. Driving home probably wasn't the best time to daydream, but I can't help but think back to when I started seeing Garrett as a friend, and not a massive pain in my ass sent to keep me from going home…I owed him a lot.

Garrett and I have not always seen eye to eye: not long after the doctors felt that it was finally safe to wake me up, Garrett was there; to say I was reluctant to speak to him would be an understatement. I didn't want him in my fucking face; I wasn't ready to step off the self-destruct train just yet. I will always remember waking up; the first person I saw was my mom, Esme. She was sitting at my side, grasping my hand, later I learned that she had been in the ICU the six weeks I was unconscious: through the seizures, the CAT scans, the consultations with the dietician and doctors to get my body infection free and once again functioning even a bit. I turned my head to her, and gave her a small smile; trying to say what I wanted to was hard; my voice was weak, and I couldn't seem to say what I wanted. I was confused; I didn't know where I was, or how I got there. My Mom just tearfully shook her head, leaned over, kissed me and then she stood…and walked out of the room.

To be honest, at the time I was pretty out of it; back then I didn't really get the meaning behind her actions...but now I do. She was accepting that she had done everything she could to save my life, and my family was turning my care over to an expert. That's when Garrett took over.

* * *

_Two and a half years ago _

"Morning Edward, I am Garrett. Your parents have asked for my help with you and your illness, but I need you to be on board as well. I can't help you if you don't want to help yourself." With that, he walked out of my hospital room, leaving me even more lost, more bewildered and alone than before.

It took ten days of intense physical and occupational therapy to be able to build up enough strength to sit up unaided; for God's sake, it took the best part of a week to regain the use of my vocal cords, just enough time for me to be able to tell Garrett, who had showed up every day to check my progress, to fuck off. Not once did he let down his assault on me-he was looking to get a rise out of me, for me to show him I still had some normal emotions left in my drug-warped brain.

"Edward, do you want me to tell you why your mother left you alone the other day?"

"Not…really… I want you… to fuck off… leave me alone, where are my goddamn pants?" I all but spat out.

"Edward, I will not be going anywhere, and neither will you, not in this state. You are not well, do you understand? You overdosed. It resulted in seizures and a medically induced coma to save your life. Edward… _You almost died._ Your mom only stayed to make sure you were going to be okay physically. She won't be back; no one will be here, not until you decided to work with us and not fight against us. If you decide to leave, they will not be there to aid you; they are not going to help you kill yourself."

This man was standing in front of me, telling me that my family had left and that he was going to help me. I wasn't interested….coke, meth, and smack….now that interested me, but this fucktard in front of me wouldn't drop it. He was talking like we had met before, but I didn't know him. I actually zoned out, he didn't have anything to offer that interested me, unless he could get me hooked up with some grade 'A' dope_. Hmm…he's a doctor; he can get the good shit…_

"Edward, I know you're thinking about drugs, it's what you've become; it's always about where you are going to get your next fix. I bet you're wondering how you are still able to sit here, when normally you would be climbing the walls if you had gone six weeks without scoring."

This man was driving me insane with his pointless questions that I wasn't going to answer… he left me after a while saying he would back tomorrow…._Lucky me._

And come back he did, day after day. I would sit on my bed and he would sit in the single arm-chair next to me, and he would talk about anything and everything; from the weather, to why I felt the need to overdose. My response varied from silence to profanity filled tirades, depending on how badly my body and mind was craving my salvation, my drugs. After several days of just sitting in silence, I actually began to think he was losing interest in me. Until one morning, he got my attention… he found my weak spot. He mentioned Bella…_how the fuck did he know about her? _

"Edward, I wasn't going to ask you about her, but who is Bella to you?"

The sound of her name, made me recoil back into the bed. My throat and eyes started to itch, I was about to break down; I tried so hard to stop myself from being a pussy, but I crumble right there in front of this stranger. Just at the sound of her name, pain like nothing I had felt before hit me in my chest, my heart… and the last few memories of THAT day had rushed back to me.

…_Meeting Mike on the outskirts of town, shaking, craving the numbness that I was addicted to. _

…_Mike giving me the only dope he had, China White, and his best works… _

…_Tying off… shooting up, knowing I used more than he told me to. _

…_The best fucking feeling, I was back with my girl, we were happy, we were surrounded by white…_

…_Blackness._

…_Chief Swan dragging me out of the car and…_

_Oh shit… I was fucking OD'ing. I __was trying __to kill myself. _

_I had lived a lie for the last two years, if not longer; a constant cycle of drugs and depression and pain, but which came first? Had I been slowly trying to commit suicide? _

I vaguely registered Garrett clapping his hands together, asking me loudly, "So, are you ready for my help?" I guess this was his plan all along; wear me down and get me to break. _Congrats you fucker… it worked._

I had to be sedated because I couldn't stop crying that day. After that session, I started listening to Garrett, and he made me realise that my drug use was something that started off as an experiment, a way to bring some excitement to Forks and in the end was my downfall, my way of shutting the world out. After Charlie had busted me at that party, instead of standing up and being a man, I chose the easy way out: drugs became my easy way out. As a result, I lost the one thing that was good about me, about my life, so there was no reason to stop on the path I had started to head down.

Bella was gone, and it was my fault. I should have let Charlie charge me; then maybe Bella and my family would have stood by me and made me get help before it came to this or maybe she would have made the decision to leave me, but I will never know; what if? Maybe I wouldn't have ended up a junkie, half-dead in the back of an ambulance, and now not even able to get out of bed in the morning, destroyed by addiction and depression. I had done all of this to myself, and I had to accept that the Edward from before was no more.

Things started getting easier. The physical and mental withdrawal from the drugs was intense; Garrett tried to talk me through each stage, but nothing prepared me for the reality. It was about two weeks after I meet him he explained that I had been sedated for six weeks, to let my body recover from the amount of damage I had done through drug use and neglect. Along with the sedation I was given medication to limit the withdrawal symptoms until I had fully woken up. The doctors wanted my body to recover from the neglect I had put my body through before they dealt with my drug addiction and state of mind.

Garrett had reassured me it would get better, but three days after they weaned me off the medication my symptoms were unbearable. I could deal with the physical things; the nausea, the sweating, scratching my skin raw, and even the palpitations but my emotional state was difficult. I became even more irrational, losing it with everyone; even more dangerous, I began to feel even more depressed, the isolation was starting to get to me and all I craved was the numbness that drugs had brought to me. I just wanted… to be gone.

I would see the same handful of people each day, Garrett being with me on and off throughout it all…just talking. Some days I would sit and just look at photos of my family, other days I would lay in bed and talk to myself, telling myself how pathetic I was, or cry to Bella, who visited in my hallucinations; she told me how I had thrown away my life and lost… _everyone_.

After what felt like years, but in reality was around four weeks, the withdrawal symptoms I had felt started to subside, and I was moved to a different room at the hospital. It was plain, with only a bed and a chair, and a restroom with no door but finally, there was no lock…I was allowed out of my room.

The nurses would let me to go into the gardens. I would go outside at night after I had finished my sessions with Garret and all the many other doctors and shrinks that were there to help me. I would just sit for hours, trying to leave was pointless, there were people everywhere, watching you. I would just sit and watch the stars, talking to the sky…Bella never far from my thoughts. The brightest star in the sky always caught my attention... it was her. I was determined to get better to prove to her that I could.

Garrett worried that my newfound need to get better was all for the wrong reasons; he told me I needed to get better for ME, not for Bella, and that I would never truly be happy and healthy or stay clean, unless I did it for me. He told me that my mental health would be a life-long battle. I didn't believe his diagnosis of severe chronic depression with anxiety disorder until I had been on a high dose anti-depressant for several weeks, then the constant need for numbness, the sense of hopelessness that I had lived with for years, was muted, it became almost bearable.

I had been in therapy at the Rehab Centre for three months when Garrett asked me if there was something I would like to do for the day; maybe go out for a couple of hours. I jumped at the chance; I had planned to ask Garrett if he would help me get a new tattoo. Months of sitting, talking to the stars was helping, when I first got out of detox I would still hallucinate, I thought I could actually see Bella's face when I looked to the skies, so when I started getting better, I just pretended she was up there…it would calm me. She was my shining star, my True North.

So I told him, "Garrett, I want a new tattoo… will you take me?"

"I don't know Edward, the pain… any added stress might not be good for you at this point."

"G… you worry too much…Please; I need this…this will help," I practically begged Garrett.

"Let me make some calls and I will let you know…. I can't promise anything, just so you know."

Agreeing to give him some time was the least I could do; he was my guide in this fucked up journey of mine. It had taken a while for me to come around, but I had finally realized that Garrett was there to help me. This wasn't over yet, but it was a start, and Garrett's never-ending questions and advice had helped me get through the first stages of withdrawal, thus gaining my trust. And now, I was well into the Post-Acute Withdrawal stage, which according to Garrett could last anywhere up to two years. He always repeated himself: saying there was no rush; I could exhaust myself and relapse if I didn't take it slow.

Therefore, I had been mildly surprised when two weeks later, after a rather nasty tasting lunch... _that's what I should have asked for… a pizza!-_a harried looking head therapist slammed into my room.

"Edward… get your coat, we're out of here!" Garrett shouted as he turned to head back down the corridor. _Thank god; I get to see the outside world, it's been months!_

Once in his car, Garrett told me the details of my trip; "I managed to get in touch with a pal of mine who is a tattooist, and he owes me a big-ass favour, which I have just called in for you. What did you want to get?

Before Garrett had finished his sentence I had pulled out the piece of paper from my pocket. It was a drawing of a two toned grey nautical star that was wrapped with blue and green ribbons; to anybody else it would have looked like a very random sketch, but to me… and to Garrett, who I had discussed it with-it represented the night skies, which had become my haven; my calm in this forever changing storm and the ribbon was there holding it all together…_Bella. _The colour was important, too; one Bella's favourite, the other my Mothers, combined and representing the two most important people in my life. How I longed to see both of them, to tell them I was so fucking sorry for doing this. Of course, I had spoken to my family on the phone, but I just couldn't get across how sorry I really was.

"Edward… hello; where did you go?" Garrett was used to my mental lapses…he told me it was fine, something my mind needed to do when my thoughts got to be too much.

I lapsed a lot-Garrett often interrupted my thoughts. "Sorry G…I was just thinking about home."

"They will come see you soon, you know. I spoke to your dad yesterday, and they were thinking in a couple of weeks; I wanted to make sure you were ready, it's going to be a massive strain on you mental health, but something that I think you are ready for." Garrett's comment both surprised me and thrilled me…it was another step towards independence.

I just nodded my head towards Garrett, trying to act like this news didn't excite me and worry me; he might re-think his decision if he knew how it affected me. Pulling up outside the tattoo shop, I noticed it was empty; closed for just me and Garrett. He really had called in a big favour, just for me.

We spent the next two hours inside his friend Billy's tattoo shop. As he worked the ink permanently into the skin of my wrist, Garrett took the time to speak to me about how I was feeling in public, how I felt about being in the company of a stranger and discussing my issues in front of him; it was annoying as fuck at first, but I finally realized that Billy wasn't there to judge me, he was there to give me some new ink…my new tattoo.

After thanking Billy and admiring the work he had done, we headed to a quiet pizza place nearby, where Garrett told me about a place north of Seattle; a sort of retreat, where we could do intensive work on my mental health. My drug detox and recovery was coming to an end, but I had accepted that full recovery was still a ways off. Because I was coping well with the detox, and was no longer suicidal and in an acute depressive state, he felt it was time to discuss my other mental health issues, and learn how to deal with my problems in a healthier way.

"You mean my inability to deal with reality, to be normal, to not hurt everyone around me?" I joked.

Garrett rolled his eyes before responding in a half-heart attempt at jest. "Edward, you and me both know there is more to this than just not being able to deal with your new reality… you need to work on getting back into a stable, positive state of mind, then you can move forward…don't forget, I know what you think of yourself. You are no longer those things that you were when you were using; for one, you are a recovering drug addict and a person fighting a chemical imbalance. You are most defiantly not a monster; you are already beating this, but like I always say, this has to be about _you_… and not just you trying to get Bella back."

* * *

I will always be indebted to Garrett, he gave me hope; he helped me learn to navigate this new world that I found myself a part of. He says it is all part of his job, but it's he goes above and beyond that; he is always there when I need him; even now, if it's the middle of the night and I need him, he will still answer the phone.

Turning into my driveway, I realise I must have driven home on instinct…_shit, I drifted off to La La Land , _I think to myself as I kill the engine on my truck. My subconscious is probably trying to erase this whole fucked-up morning; Alice started this mess by bringing Bella back to Forks in some misguided attempt to 'fix' me, then seeing Bella…well, that actually just made my day, my year-that was, until she gave me a taste of my own medicine. _Stop beating yourself up, what's done is done…have you not learned by now to stop living in the past? Nope, guess not, dumbass…_

Stepping out of the trucks cab, I take the steps two at a time running up to my front door. I shouldn't have got so lost in the past when I was driving, because now my stress levels are through the fucking roof, and none of Garrett's advice and stress fighting tricks are helping me one bit. I need to get inside and take some medication… a low dose Xanax will have to do the trick. I am prescribed them for occasions just like this, when nothing else will work and the result will be me in the ER under sedation, or passed out from hyperventilating - I know it is a quick fix, and I will need to speak to Garrett before the day is out, but medication will calm me enough to be able to do just that.

By the time I unlock the door and head inside to the kitchen, my hands are shaking badly; I am just about unable to take the cap off the top of the bottle. Swallowing the pill dry, I rip the top off of the bag of cat food, and pouring a big portion in Mallow's bowl. I sink down on the sofa, where I try to get hold of myself, but the panic that I have somehow managed to hold off, when I was out in public has hit me, full force, and I am a shaking, sobbing mess.

Mal comes to comfort me several minutes later… he is always able to tell when I am having a panic attack, and now with a full belly, he curls up to me as closely as he can, his hypnotic purr somewhat taking my mind off of my racing heart. Twenty minutes are all it will take for the magic pill to work, in the meantime, I have to remember what I have learned…just calm down. _Just breathe._

Counting my pulse stopped working a while ago; seeing Bella again has really freaked me out. Like I said before, I always thought seeing Bella again would be down to me, and that I would have time to prepare myself, prepare the perfect things to say. I don't handle surprises well anymore; my routine is the only thing that gets me through the day. _This didn't happen the way I planned…_ fuck. Maybe if I tried to…my hands are shaking too bad to draw… Shit, I don't know what to do, but I know who will.

Reaching over the sofa, I grab my phone that I tossed on the table as I came in the front door; this is going to be an odd phone call, one that Garrett isn't expecting. Finding his name in my address book is a normally easy task, but today, everything is hard work.

"Afternoon Edward…how are you doing today?" is Garrett's predictable answer.

"Shit…Garrett, you wouldn't believe it if I told you… Bella's back." My shaking has accelerated to the point that I almost can't hold the phone. Saying it out loud seems to make it real… and scary as hell.

"She wha…I mean…I urmm… Okay Edward, please calm down, I can hear your voice shaking. It's going to be fine, you are due a home visit anyway; give me half an hour and I will be there. Take an anxiety med and just try to breathe… Edward… it is going to be okay."

I hang up the call without saying a word. Garrett knows not to worry too much-he taught me well, taught me not stress about things I can't control, but he was never able to help me manage my guilt over what I did to Bella. Easing Mallow, who is fast asleep and oblivious to anything going on around him, gently off my lap and onto a cushion, I stumble into my bedroom…_I always feel at ease in here_, I think to myself as I walk over to the corner that houses all my family pictures.

"Sorry Mom," I say out loud.

I will forever be apologizing to her, it seems. And not just her: my hand skims the edge of 'our' box; I haven't opened it in months, and know better than to open it now, when I am so upset…placing both my hands on the lid, I sigh; it opens half an inch, when the doorbell rings. Letting the lid drop closed again…_maybe tomorrow_, I think to myself, I rush to let Garrett in.

As I open the door, I am greeted by a very calm looking Garrett, who merely pushes passed me, takes a seat in my red arm-chair and points to the sofa and barks out…

"Just sit your ass down, Edward! You've got some serious issues. Let's talk it out before it poisons your mind."

All the Xanax in the world won't be enough to keep me from losing my shit. But Garrett was here to help… so with a deep sigh, I began to talk.

* * *

**Thank you.**

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	8. Chapter 8

**Authors note**

**As normal I need to show my love for Jill and Charlotte who as always are there when I need a swift kick up the ass.**

**Welcome to Sarah...glad your here. Thanks babe.**

**Well obviously I don't own twilight or the characters, but I do own the plot and all Lovestrong related ramblings! This Fic is rate M for a reason: for the Motherf#*king bad language, the Mind blowing future lemons and the Mangled lives of our Bella, Edward and Mallow!**

**Don't forget to head on over to the Lovestrong facebook group **

**That's all from me... Enjoy!**

* * *

Lovestrong

Chapter 8 - Got to be true to myself.

Reaching the automatic doors is a relief; I can finally exhale the air that I have held in my lungs ever since he turned around and I saw his face. He looked so glorious… so Edward. He looked like a man who had faced his demons and come out a better person. Alice was wrong-he had moved on with his life.

Stumbling towards Kate's black Audi, I can no longer keep my emotions in check-seeing him was harder than I could have ever imagined. He hadn't changed a lot… if I didn't know what he had put himself through, what he had put _me _through-it would have been so easy to just fall into his arms, to pick up where we left off like nothing had ever happened. He was still _my_ Edward, the one who had loved me before all the bad things had destroyed us.

Looking towards the sky, I rubbed my hands over my eyes, trying to stop any more tears from being shed; I can't help but think, what if I let him come to me? What if he would have touched me? It's hard to deny the truth when it staring you in the face…I still have feelings for Edward Cullen.

I think that I still love him.

I've just shocked myself silly; yes, of course I know these feelings were still inside me, it's hard to get over something if you have never had closure. Until now. Before, I didn't know the reasons why, the how's behind Edward leaving me, but now I do; maybe I can start to get over him now?

My internal dialogue is cut short by very abnormally quiet, worried looking pair of best friends making their way towards me. It's an odd sight, seeing two of the most strong-minded, determined people I know looking at me like they haven't got a clue what they're about to say, and are afraid any words at all might be the ones to finally break me.

"Are you okay?" Kate is, of course, the first to break the silence.

"Yeah…Bella, come here, babe." Leah is next, as she pulls me in to a gigantic hug.

"Leah, please…come on, I am okay, I wasn't expecting him to be here, but I think it's helped, you know, seeing him again." I think my reply confuses the hell out of them because they are both look at me, then back to each other.

"What? Let's get back to Charlie's, and I will explain."

Once again I look to the sky, hoping I will maybe get a sign, a helping hand, a slap upside the head, showing me what I should do. I take a deep breath and open the door, sliding into the passenger seat of the Audi. All three of us are silent, not sure that what has just happened really _did_ happen. After all this time, Edward was in front of me, and I walked away…like it was nothing.

"Wow…Bella Swan, just showed him who's fucking changed," I mumble to myself.

"You sure did, babe!" I can't help but smile as Leah throws back her reply.

As Kate pulls out of the store's parking lot, I catch the sight of him again, but this time he looks like a wreck. He is leaning against a silver truck holding on to his wrist-_I wonder what he is doing? Did he hurt himself?_ Kate has obviously noticed him as well; her hand goes straight to mine, which is tightly grasping the side of the seat.

As she strokes my hand, I can't help but look at Edward. Our eyes meet, and I can't help but watch him longingly, helpless and resigned to the fact that this is the last time I will see Edward Cullen. I break his stare and return the squeeze of Kate's hand, letting her know I am going to be okay. This is over, done, and I want to go home.

* * *

Being back in Charlie's living room feels so much different than it did yesterday. This time, I am here with my friends and I now have answers, answers that may help me finally move on. I am sure I will always have feelings of love for Edward; after all he was my first…everything. What we had been so fucking good… until it wasn't.

While I have been lost in my own thoughts, Kate and Leah have made themselves comfortable on the sofa, and now they are both just waiting; maybe for me to fall apart, to revert back to that broken shell of a girl that they first knew, but I don't think it's going to happen. It's like some switch has been flipped, and all the hurt is wrapped up tight, no longer able to creep its way into my everyday life.

"So B…that was the famous Edward Cullen," Leah asked as she curled her legs under herself.

"Yeah, that was him…" my answer trailed off, not really ready to jab at my fragile, newly found peace. " You bitches gonna help me pack my things? I wanna go back to Bellevue as soon as possible."

"Bella please…just stop. I am worried, you need to deal with this, speak to Charlie…I think you're in denial." Kate's stress was clear as she moved to lean forward, ready to catch me if I fell apart.

"Kate, you saw him; he looked… okay. Yeah…maybe a part of me wishes we hadn't seen him, but I think it helped, seeing him so well, so together. He's recovered, and moved on...it's time for me to do the same."

"Come on B, you don't really believe that, do you? You didn't see him after you walked away, he looked fucking crushed. I still think we should have kicked his fucking ass, but no… we had to walk away and leave him." Leah turns and glares at Kate, before looking at me and it's obvious that her thoughts have gone astray… "If you want we can hunt him down and string him up by his balls?" Leah looked gleefully hopeful that I was ready for some carnage. _Crazy bitch._

Kate interrupted Leah's 'let's maim Edward' outburst. "Leah, you saw him, like you said; he was devastated when she left. Bells, I don't know how you could think he was really okay, 'cause he looked shattered to me. He may have changed, but I think that maybe, he does need your help."

I looked to Kate in surprise; was she actually defending Edward, suggesting he still had feelings for me…that I should talk to him? I was just about to ask her what the hell had gotten into her, when I heard a key turn and the front door swing open. Charlie was stood looking at his feet, uncomfortable, like he was intruding in his own home.

"Sorry girls, I drove past earlier and it didn't seem like anyone was home, so I came back to have some lunch," Charlie's apology was rushed; he was still unable to make eye contact with me. "I'll come back later."

"No… Charlie… don't, we will clear out for a bit. Bella here will direct us to the nearest coffee shop and we will give you some space, right Leah?" _What the hell, Kate?_

"Urmmm…yeah, meet us for a latte after you finish talking to your dad, okay, Bella?" Leah was also wondering what the hell was going on with Kate.

Staring at both of my evil, interfering best friends, I just nod my head-I think I am speechless, as Charlie directs Kate to the diner. Leah holds her hands up in defeat, as if to say, "I had nothing to do with this…Sorry, don't kill me!"

Flopping down on the sofa, I feel my new found peace start to dissolve. I am not ready to go back over this again; I just want to go home. Self-doubt creeps in; am I really strong enough to deal with this shit over and over?

"Kiddo… talk to me," I hear Charlie beg at the same time I hear the front door close, and I am left abandoned by my friends.

"Bells, I am so sorry, I can't tell you how sorry I actually am… this is killing me, seeing you like this. Please, just look at me."

Raising my head, I can now see Charlie properly he looks as if he hasn't slept, and he looks torn, like he either wants to drop to his knees and beg, or give me a hug, or maybe both. I have never seen him look like this, and it bring all of today's events into perspective; my nose start buzzing, and the tears begin to well up. I have to avert my eyes away from him, just so I can keep my emotions in check, fearing if even one tear falls, my whole body will betray me. I need to get this over. He is my Dad, so I will eventually understand why he did what he did, but it's going to take time to forgive him completely…he started all of this fucking mess.

"Dad… you have to understand how hard the past few days have been for me, to find out what I have, it would send any rational person over the edge. After Mom died, you were all I had… you were meant to protect me, but instead I find out you were the cause of so much pain. You can't expect me to just get over all that overnight. I will in the end, because you're my Dad, but I need you to give me some time, some space to figure this all out. I am going back to Bellevue tomorrow, and in time maybe I will come back here…now I know the truth." I can't help but sneer out the last sentence, and Charlie shrinks back from the venom in my voice.

"Bells you need to understand that when you left Forks, you meant to only be gone for a few days; I would have told you everything when you came home, that was always my intentions. But after you had been gone a week, I started to panic-you didn't call, or let me know you were okay-any thoughts of Edward and all the mess I caused, disappeared and your safety became my priority. It took ten days for you to answer your phone-for God sake Bella I was hours away from calling in the entire police force in Washington State. Yes, you told me you were okay, to give you some time-and look how that turned out… and now you want me to give you more time? What if you decided to slice yourself up again? Or worse?"

I can't believe he just said that-I thought we had sorted all that crap out years ago, and now he is bringing it all back up just to cover his ass, to guilt me into staying in fucking Forks.

"Charlie!" I snap. "Don't you dare try to blame me for your fuck up, you know how sorry I was it happened, and I explained...I would never… I can't believe you said… How could you even think I would do that again! I got help, goddamnit!"

"Kiddo, calm down, that came out all wrong…I am sorry…you know I didn't mean it like that…"

Standing up, I am ready to leave...leave Forks right fucking now-I am that pissed.

"God…I need to go."

Charlie reaches for my arm, tries to stop me from leaving, but the look I give him must tell him to back the fuck off, that he won't win this argument.

"Alright Bells, I guess I have no choice but to let you go, even though I do want to make everything okay again… I know I can't; I screwed up big time-I understand it's going to take time. I just hope that in the future, we can get back to what we had. And for the record… I am so sorry, sorry I just said all that, and I am sorry for you and Edward…."

Charlie must have seen my reaction to him saying his name, as he again tries to grab my hand. I pull away from him, but he has tight hold on me, like he this is the last time he will see me…and to be honest, there's a part of me which is holding on just as tight… but I really don't know if I can get past his part in all this.

Sensing my unease about the situation, Charlie gives me my way out. "Go meet the girls, kiddo. I will give you some space tonight-I am going to stay down at La Push, with Jacob and Billy; Jacob says 'hi' by the way, said something about meeting a friend of yours…anyway, you don't need to hear all that, go…get outta here. I'll be okay."

Standing up, I look back down at Charlie. "Dad, just give me some time, okay? I will come back someday soon."

Shaking his head, Charlie thoughts are clearly a stark contrast to what he actually says. "Yeah, okay honey, see you soon. Love you." Without looking back, I walk out the door.

* * *

My red Volvo has always been my way to escape: on my bad days, I drive, just like I did that first day I left Forks. Today it's not going to help… for God's sake, I am in Forks; everything is in a 5 mile radius so it will take me around 5 minutes to get to the diner, where I am going to give those two pains in my ass a piece of my mind…I can't believe they left me to face Charlie like that! And was wrong with Kate, was she turning team Edward on my ass?

Pulling into the dining I see Kate's Audi parked off to the side-I wonder if she will notice if I key her precious wheels? W_ould serve her right…traitor! _Grabbing my bag I jump out of my baby, and as I walk around the back-end of my car to head inside, I hear a voice I really didn't expect. _How much more can I take?_

"And Isabella Swan finally returns."

Turning around, I can't help but smile as I return the sentiment, laced with just the same amount of sarcasm. "Rosalie Hale, I get the feeling you were expecting me…but what I don't know is how you knew where to find me?" My sarcasm turns suddenly to suspicion…had I been set up again?

"Well, the two city girls sitting at the counter of the diner were a massive give away… and when the taller one was trying to convince the other one that they MUST track down Edward Fucking Cullen and chop his nuts off…I kinda guessed, you had something to do with them."

"Emmett's not here, is he?" I ask Rose; he was always my biggest supporter and I can't cope with seeing him right now… his puppy dog eyes would be the straw that broke the camel's...MY back.

"Nope, he's at work-but Bella, I am not alone." Clearing her throat, she continues. "Alice and….urmmm, Esme are inside, and they have figured out you're on your way.

Looking toward the sky, I shake my head. _"Why are you doing this to me, Lord… you have already given me more than I can handle, dammit!" _I breath out.

Rosalie chuckles as she pushes me towards the door. "I've missed you, Bella."

Stepping into the diner, I search out the familiar but instead my eyes find the unexpected; Esme is close to tears; she looks like she is about to get up, but Alice says something that I can't hear, and it seems like the woman who took the place of my Mother changes her mind, sitting back, her trembling hands grasping her mug. Turning towards the opposite corner I see Kate, who is looking between me, Rose and the table which holds my old family. A look of understanding dawns on her face; Leah hasn't even noticed I have arrived, too busy plotting Edward's demise, or dreaming about the hot mechanic she wants to jump, if I know her.

"I will leave you to explain who we are," Rose whispers as she moves around me, making her way towards Alice and Esme.

"Hey…how did it go?" Kate asks as she pleads for forgiveness with her eyes.

"It went as well as you would expect, but mostly awkward; he's giving me the time I've asked him to give me, he know not to expect a miracle."

Leah comes out of her murderous, lustful daydream. "Oh, hey B! Wait until you hear all the plans I have made to make Eddie boy squirm." _Gotta love Leah, Bless her heart_.

Kate is still giving the Cullen women the evil eye, so I reveal who they are. "I don't think his Mom will take kindly to you plotting against him, Leah," I say as I give them a nod. Leah's chair scrapes harshly against the tiled floor as she stands at exactly the same time Rosalie rises, ready to meet her head on. _Oh hell, they will tear this place apart…_ "Leah, sit…please!" A very pissed off Leah sits back down, but I know Rose-she will not back down. Right on cue, I hear Esme, who has finally ran out of patience, it seems. "I have to…NO, Alice I need to see her!"

Too nervous to turn around, I watch Kate's eyes follow Esme across the diner: after what feels like forever I feel her next to me, and I can no longer avoid what's about to happen, so I look up. Now that she is so close, I can see she hasn't changed, not even looking older; her golden caramel hair is still as vibrant as I remember it. Quickly glancing towards my girls, they both seem blown away by Esme-most people are stunned by her presence; she is class personified. Just waiting for her to begin is painful, so I surprise everyone, including myself, and take the first step.

"Hello, Esme. It's good to see you."

"Bella," Esme whispers, as she places her hand on my shoulder. Most people would shy away from the mother of their ex, but I can't… when I started seeing Edward, she became my substitute maternal figure, the person I went to when no one else would do. "May I sit with you?" she continues.

Signalling towards the empty seat next to me, I notice that Rose has already taken a seat next to Leah, who is looking more and more uncomfortable with the situation. Kate, however, is watching someone behind me: _if looks could kill, _I think to myself-I don't even have to turn around to know that my old best friend and current one are playing the staring game with each other over my head.

"You can sit too, Alice," it comes out more of a chuckle as I try a reassure Kate that I am okay, she can back down. She looks like she's about it piss a circle around me, mark her territory. The four girls across from me look like they are about to go head to head and brawl. Its fucking ridiculous-one set is my past, the other is my present and future…there's no contest: my future would win every day of the week. Esme's grip on my hand brings my attention back to her and I find myself, for the second time today, holding on for dear life.

"How are you, Bella? You look thinner? Are you taking care of yourself?" That's Esme, always nurturing the people she loves…even ones she hasn't seen in five years.

I can hear the protective growl that vibrates out of both Kate and Leah.

"Esme, I am fine. Five years is a long time, you know…of course I have changed."

"Yes, of course Bella, I understand, it has been a while, and a lot has…changed."

Why do I get the feeling we are heading towards the 'Edward' conversation? Before I can stop her, she carries on talking, and the subject is unexpected.

"Alice told me, ummm, about when you left, about what happened…I can't imagine what you went through! God as my witness, he is my son, but I could kill him, Bella. Sweetie, why would you do that to yourself?"

I guess my coping abilities are maxed out, because I have gone to my happy place: the conversation is now nothing more than a blur…that is, until I feel Esme stroking my wrist; my scars. She scared the shit out of me, NO ONE touches my arms, and I can feel Kate stiffen opposite me. Looking at her in panic, I beg her with my eyes to help me, and my foot start bouncing up and down, my throat starts restricting and the dreaded tears start to resurface. Still pleading with Kate to help me, she finally steps in.

"Esme, move your hand… Now."

Esme's hand pulls away from me with a jerk. "I am sorry; it was a reaction, automatic…"

_Just Breathe, Bella…._

I would feel bad for her if I wasn't about to have a full-blown panic attack... and have it out in public, too.

Kate continues, with enough venom in her voice to scare even me. "If it wasn't for your son, she wouldn't be in this state, scared to show anyone her arms, panicked if a man with green eyes looks at her …you people can't even begin to imagine what she goes through on a regular basis. And this is Bella AFTER she learned some coping skills."

"Pfttt… Please." _Oh shit. Here we go. _

"Rose, please, they have a right to be angry with me!" Esme tries to calm Rosalie, but Kate has lit the fuse…Rose is _pissed._

"No Esme, I can't sit back and let you take this abuse." Rose then turns her attention back to Kate.

"Not true, toots…. These two women sitting here know all too well what heartache is!" Pointing to Esme she carries on, "She watched her only son get rushed to the hospital, close to death, then sat at his side for six weeks, not knowing whether he would wake up again and be okay…then she fought everyday with her self-conscious, battling between what was right and wrong, had to go against her instincts as a mother. Esme left Edward to strangers because she knew she couldn't help him, turned her back on her first-born because she had no other choice! He had destroyed everything that was good about himself, and almost his fucking life, and she couldn't sit back any longer and let him continue…So, _you don't dare tell me she doesn't understand_, because she knows better than anyone, apart from Bella and Edward, what it feels like! She didn't just lose her son, she lost her fucking daughter too, and for years she didn't even know why!"

I am now a sobbing mess-Esme had turned her back on him, and he had no one…just like me. Even if it was to help him, she had to leave her child, and Esme is hurting just as bad as me. I don't think Alice can listen to any more arguments as she holds the top of her nose trying to prevent herself from crying.

"He only had himself to blame, he was a fucking drug addict, and he made it worst today by trying to speak to Bella, asshole doesn't deserve to breathe the same air she does!" _Leah has regained her voice, _I think to myself as she pipes up, and spits out the news that me and Edward have seen each other today.

"What…what did you say?" Alice sputters as she reaches into her bag. She pulls out her phone, in a state of panic, as we all watch her tapping furiously on the screen. "No wonder he was distant and out of it this morning!" she stammers, still glaring at her phone.

Esme is watching her daughter closely, concern etched on her face. "He will be fine, Alice…he has probably already spoken to Garrett. He isn't stupid; he knows when he needs help." I see tears welling in her eyes, as she turns back to me, her wayward daughter. She places her hand on the table by mine, almost, but not quite, touching.

"Bella, I do understand some of what you're going through, but not everything that happened in the past. And I am so sorry you have been bombarded with all of this in such short space of time, but I hope you can put aside all the bad just for a moment, and consider talking to Edward. I can't blame you for not wanting to do it; it took me a while to be able to look him in the eye again, to see him as my son again, after the…overdose. Please, if you could just find it in your heart to let him apologize, it's all he truly wants. He wants forgiveness, or at least for you to know how much he truly regrets hurting you..."

It was like all the other people around the table had disappeared; it was just me and Esme… me trying so hard to keep it together, while she was begging me for her son's chance at forgiveness. Everyone is focused on me and Esme: the silence is deafening, all attention is on me…it's making me uneasy, maybe because I know my resolve is breaking. Do I really want to see him?

_Maybe I need this just as much as him? If it's meant to be, it will all work out, right? If not, we can at least both move on…_

"Bella, whatever you decide, please remember that I love you, and I have always looked at you as another daughter. When you and Edward got together I was so happy, he had met his match, and I truly believe-even after everything, that you and him are meant to be. I don't want to pressure you anymore, so I am going to go home, Carlisle is going to be wondering where I am. And Bella, we both miss you; you are the missing piece of this family that cannot be replaced. We love you so much, and are so glad you are back…even if just for a short time."

Wiping my eyes dry, I launch myself at her; her arms around me feel so good. I am lost…again, a huge part of me wants this back, but that's not going to happen. I can't do it to myself…can I? I know that I am not strong enough to open up all the old wounds, but maybe it's all worth it; _so much for my new-found bravery, _I think to myself_. _As I reluctantly loosen my hold on Esme, I see Rosalie's knowing look, over Esme's shoulder. She is on to me-she knows I am wavering, changing my mind about seeing Edward, _facing the rest of my family, the past. _Smiling at me, she interrupts the quiet.

"Right, I am out of here…Emmett's due home and will be starving, as usual." Facing down my two friends, she tells them it was nice to meet them, _very convincing, Rose!_ She puts her hand out. "Pass me your phone B; let me give you my number." As I pass the phone to her, Esme stands, gathering her purse and saying her goodbyes to Alice and the others.

"Bella…I hope I will see you soon, I know Carlisle will be upset that he missed you." Waving, she leaves the shop, home to fill Papa C in on today's happenings, no doubt.

To my surprise Alice, Kate, and Leah have started a very strained conversation…When did that happen? And what is taking Rose so long?

"Bella, here-I have added my number…call me," she winks at me as she hands me back my phone. As I look down to the screen, Rose lets out a quiet chuckle. Staring back at me from the screen is a contact for _him_; _thanks Rosalie…I think._

Raising her eyebrow at me she gives me another knowing look, as if to say, _you know you were going to do it anyway, I just made it easier for you!_ I mouth a silent _'Thank You'_.

Before I can change my mind and wuss out, I get up, and everyone's eyes turn to me. I feel myself blush… _giving the game away, Bella._

"I'm just gonna grab some air," I say, hoping to distract them long enough for me to be able to do this; Kate knows there something going on, but she leaves me to it. I don't even think Kate would be expecting this… fucking hell, I wasn't expecting this! This is insane…

_Just breathe, Bella…_

Nerves hit me square in the pit of my belly; I am now outside, and as the cold air whooshed around, smacking me in the face, I press the call button on the screen.

My heart is pounding out of my chest as the ringing echoes around my brain.

"_Hello?"_

Silence… I can't make myself talk… I am physically unable to utter a sound.

"_Hello…who is this?"_

"Edward," I whisper, "it's me, Bel…" Not needing my reply, he answers for me.

"_Bella, Oh My God…it's you, I already know, it's you…"_

_It's now or never_ is all I can think, as I utter the words I never thought I would say to _him._

"I need to see you, will you text me your address? I am on my way, I mean, if that okay."

"_Yeah… of course, yeah, now, anytime. You remember the park we used to go to after class, in middle school? I am in the apartment building facing the swings… I'm number three, Alice put a wreath on the door, you can't miss it. And I'll watch out for you, Bella. "_

My numb legs carry me across the parking lot, and I fumble with the lock fob to my car. I don't expect the next words that I hear.

"_Oh, and Bella? Thank you…thank you for giving me a chance."_

* * *

**Thank you...Now you now what to do REVIEW**


	9. Chapter 9

**Authors note**

**As normal I need to show my love for Jill, Charlotte and Sarah who as always are there when I need a swift kick up the ass. Thank you to all the voted and nominated LS over on TLS… I am true blown away, humbled and so proud of Lovestrong.**

**Well obviously I don't own twilight or the characters, but I do own the plot and all Lovestrong related ramblings! This Fic is rate M for a reason: for the Motherf#*king bad language, the Mind blowing future lemons and the Mangled lives of our Bella, Edward and Mallow!**

** That's all from me... Enjoy!**

* * *

Lovestrong

Chapter 9 – We become alive in times of fear

BPOV

You might be wondering, because I sure as hell am; how can one person go full circle and back again in forty-eight hours? Well trust me, it can happen. Take me, for insistence-I know it sounds cliché, but I have been on an emotional rollercoaster these last few days. One minute I am heading to Forks, my own personal version of hell, where I go through the whole spectrum of feelings: sad, angry, pissed the fuck off! Yeah…okay, maybe I am being a bit melodramatic, but I must have developed a slight case of masochism over the last twenty-four hours. How much more pain can I put myself through…_come on, bring on the agony, Bella!_

Coming back to Fork seems like a breeze in comparison to right now, this very second feels worse than anything I've had to deal with; it's bitter-sweet. This morning, I was all for packing up my shit and heading home to Bellevue; now I am about to do the one thing I said I would never do: talk to Edward. Throwing the car into reverse, I can't back out: maybe I do need this as much as him, and there's only one way to find out.

As the Volvo's tires crunch on the gravel road, I stop briefly to glance in my rear view mirror; Kate and Leah are standing in the doorway of the diner; flanked by Rose and Alice. I can just imagine the scene the minute Kate realised that I wasn't coming back in…_how I would have loved to be a fly on the wall for that show… no… a fly would be in the way of the flying plates. _She looks how I kinda feel; scared shitless. Rosalie has her hand on Leah's shoulder as if she is holding her back_. _Leah's gonna kick my ass, I just know it, but I have to do this-there are already too many unanswered questions, and I can't add more to my list of what if's. Alice's expression surprises me somewhat… you'd have thought she would have been jumping for joy-after all, this is what she wanted, but no…she looks troubled. Maybe she has finally realised that we are both too fucked up and broken to deal with this all in one go-she wanted us to move forward, but now she has recognized that this may force us back to the very beginning.

With one last check of the road ahead, I make a right turn out of the diner and back onto the familiar roads of Forks. I find myself driving slower than I normally would; maybe it's my brain, unconsciously delaying my journey back to _him_. I still can't believe I am doing this-it wasn't the plan; going home, back to Bellevue, that was the plan: not hashing out the past with my ex-drug addict ex-boyfriend.

Being back in Forks affects me in a way I never thought it would, and I can't help but reminisce: this place really does bring back some good memories, from Alice complaining about the lack of clothing stores, to Emmett flinging me over his shoulder and running down Main Street like a mad man because I wouldn't go eat pancakes with him and everything else in-between. With the good comes the bad…_right_, when I think back to the start of all this, my biggest memory is seeing Edward, in the window of his house… he turned his back on me…again, that sight will forever be ingrained on my brain.

My time soaking up the never-changing scenery of Forks is interrupted by the sound of my phone ringing; _oh hell, it didn't take Kate long to start flipping the fuck out! _I think to myself as I try so hard to ignore the ringing; it finally stops to only start-up again within thirty seconds. This time I turn up my stereo as loud as I can stand, but now I really have to listen to what's been playing in the back ground. The hairs on the back of my neck stand as I hear the lyrics from the song.

"_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
_

_And havin' so much to say  
And watchin' you walk away  
_

_And never knowin'  
What could've been  
_

_And not seein' that lovin' you  
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh"  
_

"Shit, how fucked up is this," I mutter to myself as I reach and turn the radio off... _Thank God that fucking phone has stopped, too._

* * *

Automatically, I follow Edward's directions and head towards the largest park in Forks, the place where we used to go when we were younger. I wonder why he moved to this complex. Maybe it's just a coincidence? One last time, I try to work out why am I here; two hours ago I was all for packing up, ready to never come back to Forks, and now I am about to go head to head with the only person who could break me all over again…to be honest, there's still a part of me that believes it's all a set up-a sick joke to make Bella Swan suffer just a little bit more…I am left contemplating whether it's curiosity or stupidity, on my part…but we will see.

Pulling into the park, my eyes shift towards the newly built apartment block at the far end of the park, and I wonder whether he has seen me; if he can, he hasn't made it known as there isn't a soul around. Killing the engine, I step out of my car, and I unwittingly drift off to happier times; I loved this place. We would meet up after school and walk over here; when no one else was around, just me and Edward sitting on the swings talking, rambling about nothing for hours on end, or him pushing me on the merry-go-round; laughter would permeate the air when we were together, and I was always happy. While lost in my thoughts, I have somehow, unintentionally, made my way towards the swings. Looking around, I double-check that no one is watching: _it's not going to hurt if I dream a little, pretend none of this mess ever happened; _I stay in my happy place just a few minutes longer, before I have to face him.

I feel like a child again; carefree, hopeful. I can just picture him standing behind me, asking if I want to go higher, telling me I am a big kid. It all seems so real, I can almost feel him behind me. We always were like magnets, drawn together, always a pull in the middle of my chest. Wait, the pull… my head snaps up just as I hear the shuffle of his feet behind me… I can hear _him._

"You haven't changed, you still wanna go higher?" he chuckles from behind me.

What did he say? He still remembers…us …he isn't doing this, bringing up the past. Does he think I will forget why I am here if he distracts me? I bring myself to a sudden stop, gravel flying.

Not meaning for it to be said out loud, I still find myself snapping at him, telling him my thoughts. "I have changed more than you know."

Still facing away from him, I sadly repeat the bit that I want him to be damn sure he hears… "I have changed, Edward!"

"Bella, listen, please…I didn't mean to upset you, that was the last thing I wanted to do."

_It's now or never, Bella,_ I think to myself as I stand up from the swing, and turn to face him…Shit, he is so goddamn beautiful. This time, he is wearing a cap, and I was right-he does look good wearing it. Shaking my head clear..._focus Bella… you are here for a reason and one reason only. _Taking in a deep breath, I know I am fighting a losing battle as I try to stop any tears from falling…just yet. I need to hold it together: I need to do this-forget what everyone else will think-this is for me, and I need to get it out.

"Can we go inside? I don't think everyone and their mother wants to hear what we need to say. Which one is yours?" I ask as I point towards the apartment building.

"Top one; see the garland? That's me"

We walk side by side across the park; it's so surreal-the last time we were here, we would have held hands, but now it feels wrong standing so close to him…such a waste, I think to myself as we reach the bottom of the stairs that lead to his apartment.

"Go on up, it's open," Edward motions for me to go first.

I can't describe the feelings I am experiencing; I am about to walk into the home that could have been mine, if things had of worked out the way I wanted, but the other side of my brain is screaming-he has the advantage, we are on his home turf. I can't win this… no one trusts my decisions. Not even my inner self; even she thinks I am a crazy bitch who is giving in too easily.

It doesn't take a genius to work out that Esme had something to do with his apartment…it is amazing. It's open and light; white walls, light tan flooring. Everything is natural and clean, with the only bit of colour being a bright red armchair placed at the far end of the living room and bright paintings splashing the walls.

A fluffy white cat comes racing towards me, greeting me with a yowl, and then weaving figure eights between my legs. Edward had never been an animal person…before. The purring kitty rears up against my legs, and I pet his silky head, looking into his pale blue eyes. _Tell me, kitty… what am I doing here? You could have been mine; we could have been cat parents… kids…_ I could have had them…oh God!

"Shit, sorry, Mal thinks that he has to be the centre of attention. I'll put him in my room, give me a minute." Edward goes to a drawer and rattles a package of something, and with a MERAAOW, my new friend takes off down the hall after his human…_Traitor. You are just like everyone else. Everyone is all, TEAM EDWARD! Well who in the hell do I get on MY team? Look at this place! Edward has it ALL! The house, the cat, the family...when is it MY GODDAMN TURN!_

While I am having my mini-internal meltdown about how wonderful Edwards's life is now, he has moved back into the kitchen, flipping the kettle on.

"Would you like a drink, Bella?"

"NO!" I all but shout out. Realizing I am starting to freak out, I correct myself, "I'm sorry… no thanks, I am fine." _Breathe Bella._

Looking at Edward, I am starting to think he is as nervous as me, that or he is beginning to figure out that I am here for answers, and nothing else. My chest starts to restrict, and I am finding it so hard not to cry hysterically, but I can't give him an excuse to come near me…that would make this hideous situation six million times worse.

Edward is now watching me, as if he has just read my mind; he motions for me to sit down, and he does the same, but it's like his instinct lead him the right way and he stays well away from me, sitting on a bar stool in front of the breakfast bar.

_Breathe, Bella. Who knows how this will end, but here goes nothing._

"Edward, I don't know how much you know about why I am back in Forks, but I have sat back for the last two days and listened to everyone tell me how confused you were when you broke up with me, and how broken you have become because of the choices you made…"

I pause, needing to calm down, or this is going to go horribly, terribly wrong… _breathe Bella._

"Everyone was telling me to talk to you, to give you a chance, you needed to tell me how sorry you are…but Edward, no one gave me a choice-I was tricked into come back here! Not one person thought about me!"

Edward was silent, watching me, which was making me even angrier; I was ready to explode.

"How fucking dare you OR your family drag me back here, to face this…none of you have a fucking clue what I have gone through, how could you…you left me…"

"Bella, I am so sorry, I…"

"Save it, Edward, I am not interested! Like I said, I am here to tell you… no better yet, why don't I just show you!" I sneered out at the same time I dragged back the sleeves of my hoodie. All the rage, all the hurt I had bottled up since I had been back in Forks was seeping out of every pore, and it was all directed at the one person who was responsible for my pain.

"Bella, please…stop"

"No, you need to see this: SEE MY SCARS! You need to hear how I cut my arms to feel anything, to get over the loss of you, of my hopes and dreams… and this was your entire fault...all of it! You left me-chucked me away and for what, so you could waste your life as a junkie? You make me sick! And to think I love you…"

Edward's eyes meet mine head on… "You what?" was all he whispered.

"I said I loved you!"

"No you didn't…" Again, he barely whispered his response.

"It doesn't matter what I said, all that I came here to say is that I forgive you, if that's what you want: I forgive you, for leaving me, for taking the easy way out, for throwing away all we could have had, for a quick fucking fix; I forgive you for making me hurt that much, that the only way I could be free, was to cut myself, to draw blood and watch the pain trickle out of me …every agonizing drop at a time."

I can't hold back the tears any longer, so instead of trying to fight it, I let him see my grief and what a wreck he has made me become. I cried for me, for Edward, for everything that we could have had together.

After what felt like forever, but in reality was probably a whole five minutes, I am ready to start again, but this time, I want answers; one thing I truly need to know is why? Why drugs, why not just ask for help when he got busted? Pulling down my hoodie sleeves, I wipe the tears from my face with the back of my arm, and watching a very regretful looking Edward in the face, I brace myself for his side of this excruciating story.

"One more question, Edward…Why?"

~*~ LS ~*~

EPOV

Watching the girl I love bare her soul to me, tell me that I am the cause of so much pain, is heart-breaking. When she tugged up the sleeves of her hoodie, showing me her arms, I was beyond shocked. Even though she only let me in for the briefest of moments, it was obvious that she was still hurting, and it's my entire fault. Why hadn't Alice told me that she had a cutting problem…that she cut herself-Oh God, what have I done?

Then for her to simply ask me why…_fuck._ I am barely holding it together; she needs me to keep it together for her right now, it's the least I can do. I have so many questions for her, but somehow it doesn't feel like the right time to ask them-she came here for answers, and I have done so much damage to her already, so the least I can do is try to answer her very simple yet difficult question.

"Bella, first, please…I am sorry-so sorry for everything…I will answer your question but please let me apologise for hurting you. I now know that I should have let your Dad charge me after that party, then I could have gotten the help I needed, but I couldn't see past the drugs. "My addiction was like an avalanche… it took over everything so damn quickly. The reasons why may not make much sense, but it is all I can give you, some of it isn't logical to me, either. I know it's a cop-out but I was young, just out for some fun. I thought life in Forks had become boring, I could never see what was right in front of me. They say you don't know what you have until it's gone, and believe me Bella, that is so true.

"I didn't know how bad my addiction was until it was too late; that day your dad busted me, the day he asked me to give you up…that was the worst of my life. It set the ball rolling, and after I lied to you, told you that I didn't love you, that was the beginning of the end for me-I self-destructed. It was my only option since you were gone."

This was getting even tougher, and all I wanted to do was forget my past, pretend that none of it had happened and that Bella was mine again. Bella was waiting for me to continue; every so often she would wipe a tear from under her eye, or from her cheek… _Oh, Sweet Jesus-I just want to hold her, love her, and fix what I messed up so badly._

"I spent a long time just self-medicating, trying to make everything go away. Eventually, I took it one step too far, and I overdosed on heroin…I can honestly say I didn't set out to kill myself, but you can only go down that road for so long, and I guess that day I had come to the end of the road. There was nowhere else to go… I was going to hell, and I was glad. I can't tell you much else until I woke up…"

"Alice and your Mom already kinda filled me in," Bella whispered to me.

"So that's how you got my number?"

"No, that was Rose…Edward… tell me the rest."

"I wasn't the best patient. Garrett, my counsellor, can vouch for that. He helped me; if it wasn't for him I would be dead. I had gotten to the point where I didn't want help; I had nothing to live for, I had thrown it all away-then one day Garrett found my weakness, and he used it against me. He made me realise that I had to get better, to fight for myself, for my Mom…. and for you. I loved you, Bella, and it took me losing you and nearly my life to understand what was important."

"I still don't get how you were able to become so addicted…" Bella just couldn't get past the whys.

"It's hard to explain, and I don't think anyone can begin to understand the want to get that rush unless you have been there. The urge to get high became more important than the simple things in life: the need to sleep and eat; the need for friends. The feeling that I needed to use drugs, any drugs, and the never-ending search for a way to get them, filled every waking moment in my life.

"My addiction replaced everything I enjoyed about life, even you. I found myself doing almost anything to feel numb-I would lie, steal; I hurt the people I loved, just so I could get high. Up, down, I didn't care…as long as I couldn't remember and feel the pain of losing you. After, you know, in the hospital… The first few weeks of withdrawals were the worst; I would have taken someone's arms off if I could have gotten my hands on some dope. But I got through it. Even then, Garrett saw the denial in me and gave me a massive reality check. After I accepted that I needed to get clean, I had to learn to live a normal life again. I still see Garrett at least once a week, and I probably will for the rest of my life."

I was speaking so fast that I felt light-headed, and I stopped to take a huge gulp of breathe. I wondered if Bella was shaking as much as I was… I decided to finish what I needed to tell her, hoping against hope that things between us would be better once I had finished.

"And for the why I got hooked in the first place, that's the sad part-I don't know. I could use a million and one excuses; my age, peer pressure, boredom-but at the end of the day, I only ever had myself to blame, and now after all this time I can actually say I was just stupid. I didn't plan on getting addicted. But I guess no one does."

Bella is just staring at me, and I know this is going to go one of two ways: either she will completely understand that I can't give her an easy, straight-to-the-point answer, or she is gonna go bat shit crazy, and judging by the way she looking at me, it's going to be number two. Before she can think of what she is going to do next, I have to jump in-the question killing me.

"Why did you cut yourself?" I blurt out.

_This is not good…Danger, Danger, abort... MOTHER FUCKING HELL. _I repeat over and over in my head.

Bella is seething…

"What, you expect me to answer your questions, when all you can do is give me bullshit fucking excuses as to why you broke my heart?" Bella sounds lethal, and looks murderous… I wish I had never brought that up…

…_all I seem to do lately is try and take back the fucking past. Garrett wouldn't think that is very healthy…_

"Edward, it's none of your fucking business what I do or don't do; you didn't ever once think about the other people in your life before you acted, so why do you care what I did to myself? For god's sake, you didn't even think about your poor Mother before…fuck…I don't even know why I am bothering with this shit, the damage is done."

Bella's tears are long gone, they have been replaced by angry words…and I can't blame her, I am pissed off with myself.

I always have been.

There is only silence, as if neither of us know what to say next, and all I can think of is to try to apologize again, but I have a feeling she would rip my head off and shove it up my ass if I did.

After all this time I can still read Bella, she is like an open book-she is getting twitchy, like she wants to get the hell out of here…should I give her a way out? I wonder to myself, but before I have even given it a second thought, Bella gets up.

"Edward I have to go, I got what I came for…well, kind of." Bella trails off.

_No. I'm not ready for her to leave…I am desperate for her to stay…I need her._

"Don't go…have a drink…would you like a coffee, I have tea!" I can't let her leave… we haven't finished yet…no, she can't go… My heart starts racing fast enough to scare me, and I know panic isn't far behind.

"NO! Edward, stop…this is too much, you wanted to apologize…you wanted my forgiveness, and I gave it to you. And now, there is nothing more to say."

Bella now has her back to me and is making her way towards the door, but just as I think is she going to open it, she turns her attention back to me…we are so close that I can feel her breath on my face. Fuck, how I long to touch her, to have her need me as much as I need her…to be able to tell her I love her more than anything and always will.

"Edward, I want you to know I am sorry too…sorry for not seeing what you were doing to yourself, for not being what you needed. But they were your mistakes, mistakes that you need to deal with. I know you think that you need my forgiveness to do that, so…yes. I do forgive you, but please don't misunderstand. This…whatever this is, won't end with me being able to form a friendship… or whatever… with you, because that will not happen anytime soon. I can forgive you, Edward, but I cannot forget, and I will carry around the scars of your fucked-up choices and mistakes forever… so goodbye, Edward."

Bella opens the door, but then turns again; stretching up, she kisses me on the cheek. With my eyes open, I can see her eyes close…she lingers there, as if she is remembering my smell, or memorizing the feel of my tear-stained cheek under her lips, but that's not what she is doing.

I understand her meaning behind this kiss… After five years, finally, this is Bella's closure. And this is her final goodbye. Through my tears, I can see a faint smile form on her face: she is at peace with herself, and she is happy; maybe even proud of herself… she has done what she had set out to do, and she did it on her own terms.

She nods her head and walks out the door, but I am unable to watch her leave; I hear as she closes the door softly after herself. I feel empty, devoid of any hope or love; I got my forgiveness, what more do I fucking want?

My legs go weak, and I don't think I can hold my body weight up; _so this is what Bella felt like, when she had lost all hope._ She was right-it was my own fucking fault, I made my own mistakes… who was I kidding? I was starting to believe that this could be my second chance, but no...I was a huge fucking failure, and I was never going to get up from this. People like me, people who hurt the ones they loved, didn't get second chances…

I stumble to my room and curl into a ball beside a sleeping Mallow, as sobs rocked my body… I had been so close, yet so far..._she had come here to return the favour, after all, to break me as I broke her._

I don't really believe that, but that's what it feels like-she came here, only to move on.

Overwhelmed, I forget everything that I have learned from Garrett, and I can't stop the flood of emotions that assault me; my chest hurts, I am fucking panicking, sweating, pulling my hair out. A concerned Marshmallow wiggled his way under my chin, small mews and purrs coming from him as I sob uncontrollably into his soft fur.

This pain is unbearable, and unstoppable; the more I cry, the more I panic… and the more I panic, the more I cry. I know I need help…

It takes me minutes to get my shaking hands to co-operate, but I finally get hold of my cell phone. Between gut-wrenching sobs, I managed to call Alice.

"Alice…Please…She's gone…Help me…Garrett…Help."

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	10. Chapter 10

**Author Notes**

**Surprise…Happy Monday…No this isn't an early update…it's your first update of the week, thats right double posting!**

**You see a certain Cullen family member has had a lot on her mind these past few days… she just needed to fill you in on what's been going on….**

**Here comes the boring…. I don't own twilight or the characters, but I do own the plot and all Lovestrong related ramblings! This Fic is rate M for a reason: for the Motherf#*king bad language, the Mind blowing future lemons and the Mangled lives of our Bella, Edward and Mallow!**

**Come on over to the Facebook group**

**That's all from me... Enjoy!**

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Lovestrong

Chapter 10 – Falling to Pieces 

APOV

What had I done?

I thought it would help, but making them face each other turned out to be such an awful mistake. Not just for Edward and Bella, but for me, for Charlie and…God, my poor Mother was a mess. For the second time in five years she has lost her son, but this time it seemed worse-she didn't know where he was… none of us did.

"Shit…I miss him…" thinking aloud, no one is around to hear me; except Mallow, who I think is pissed with me, too… _Alice Cullen_…_Pity party for one!_

My stupidity has hurt so many people. Even Jasper thinks I have over-stepped the mark this time, and he isn't happy. I have moved into Edward's apartment part-time; I have to be here, be close if he comes home. It's been three weeks and nobody has heard from him; it's like he has disappeared off the face of the Earth-but he has to be safe; he left with Garrett… right?

"He will be okay," I whisper, not sure whether I am reassuring, or looking for the answer to that question, myself. The piteous yowling from the front door starts again; with a sigh, I go over and pick up my brother's heartbroken kitty. I rub Mal's chin, trying to comfort him, but he just looks up at me, with big blue eyes; damn, even the kitty misses Edward. He is the other reason that I am here. Edward would kill me if anything happened to his best friend.

Receiving Edward's phone call was the crisis point-he was an absolute fucking mess, so incoherent that I could hardly make out what he was trying to tell me; but when he asked for Garrett I knew it was bad. I even did a mental count of the drugs and medications that were in his apartment-he's done it before. But this time it would be all my fault-if only I'd have told him what I was doing… he would have had time to prepare, to get his head around the fact that Bella was coming back.

… and there lays the first of the catastrophic errors that I have made over the last few weeks.

It's all set on repeat, circling my brain on a constant loop, the feelings of hopelessness, helplessness…What have I done? I can't help it; my thoughts get darker with every passing minute: what if Edwards tries to find peace….his release from the pain I caused? Just one last hit? Ninety percent of addicts relapse; many times, that relapse proves fatal. I know the statistics better than anyone…trust me I have checked and now they haunt me day and night.

Then there's Bella; what had I done to her? She hadn't returned any of my texts or voice mails…not that I can blame her. She must be so pissed off, angry…confused. I have dreamt about them both, but Bella always appears more vividly. It would only take one more slip of a razor-her escape from emotional pain-to take away this new wave of hurt…_forever._

"_God…It's too much to think about"_

When Bella left the diner, I guessed where she was going-there was only one place she could go. Her friends had told me her desire to go home, and in my eyes, that's actually where she was going; back to the one person who could complete the missing half of her heart. Rose knew it, too, but either of us thought it would end the way it did.

* * *

I had met Garrett at the apartment, both of us arriving at the same time-he was clueless about what had happened so I filled him in quickly: yes, he knew Bella was in Forks, but he didn't know it was my doing; Edward hadn't told him the details. Garrett as always kept his feelings to himself; I could tell he was pissed off, but he was staying calm…composed-we entered Edwards apartment nervously, outwardly worried about what we would find.

When I couldn't find him in the living room I started to panic-Garrett checked his medication, which was still where it should be; I was still genuinely worried that he might have hurt himself… that we were too late. But Garrett found him: curled up on his bed, Mallow held to his chest… he had been crying, that was easy to see, but the scariest sight was Edwards's eyes; he was staring into space… lost, shattered… I had broken him all over again

Garrett was trying his best to stay professional, but these two had developed a friendship that had far outweighed any patient-therapist relationship, and it was blatantly obvious Garrett was desperately concerned for his friend. He was crouched down next to Edward, whispering to him; I couldn't make out what it was, but that didn't matter…whatever it was, it was helping, Edward was responding with just nods and shakes of his head. I felt misplaced; I couldn't fix my mess.

Garrett asked me to get a bottle of water-I could tell he wanted some time with Edward, so I gave him some space. I couldn't do this on my own; I needed help… so I gave Mom a call, filling her in on what had happened. She wanted to be here, to comfort her baby, but needed me to come get her as her car was at the garage and Dad was at work. I made my way back towards Edward's room, lingering at the door, I could hear the hushed whispers of both Garrett and Edward…at least he was talking now.

Edward was now sitting on the edge of his bed, still holding Mallow-like a little boy would hold his safety blanket or a beloved teddy bear, with Garrett in front of him on the floor…both were deep in conversation, and neither heard me enter; walking around the end of the bed I went to hand Edward the bottle of water, but Garrett beat me to it-Edward wouldn't even make eye contact with me. He just sat on his bed staring at the floor. Taking the water with a small smile, the look Garrett was giving me made it so clear he needed some time alone with Edward…

"I'll be right back…" I said to the empty feeling room-my brother was vacant: he was here in body, but his mind and heart seem to be miles away, and if my hunch was correct he was lost somewhere between Forks and Bellevue, right along with Bella as she travels back to her home.

~~*LS*~~

Esme went all Mama Bear on me, ripping me a new one for not calling her the minute I received Edward's pleading call. Our car journey back to the apartment was strained… full of grief; we were losing Edward all over again, and I had a feeling Mom blamed me as much as I blamed myself. She didn't ever say it aloud but I just knew…Shit, it was my fault. Yes, the family had supported my decision to go to Charlie for help, and Esme was thrilled she got to see Bella again but she knew it could go either way, but this was her worst nightmare-Bella was gone, and Edward was crushed…again.

And look what happened last time!

As we pulled back up to the apartment, we both noticed Garrett's car was gone; looking at Mom, her fear was evident …if Garrett was gone, so was Edward. There is no way Garrett would have left Edward in the state he was. Rushing out of the car, Mom took the stairs two at time-she was flipping out. I slowly followed her up; I was already resigned to what is waiting behind his door… nothing, nobody… There's no point; it's not going to ease the feeling of guilt I have lodged in the pity of my stomach…_oh Jesus…I am sorry_.

Esme was sitting on Edward's sofa, holding a piece of paper…silently she wiped a single tear from her cheek…handing me the piece of paper as she got up and walked down the hall toward Edward's bedroom. I look down, and staring back at me, in Edwards's handwriting, is not what I wanted to see.

"_I will be okay… See you soon. Please take care of Mal… x"_

He was gone.

I sank down on to the sofa, and my Mom came racing down the hall; she is now crying uncontrollably… "He's gone…they're both gone!"

~~*LS*~~

That was three weeks ago. No one has heard from either him or Garrett. And as much as I want to fix things, I know that I can't. So I do what I can: I take care of Mallow, like he asked me to. And I pray for my brother, and for his lost love.

Hell, I pray for all of us… Because I don't think anyone can fix what I so stupidly broke…I pushed them even further apart.

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	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note**

**Here is your second chapter of the week...and yes I know it's late and for that I am sorry but real life has been a bitch over in the world of Lovestrong…but we are beginning to get there.**

**Jill, Sarah and Charlotte…Thank you, as always you girls have helped me this week, I could not do this without you…you lot keep me sane.**

**Now for the formalities…I don't own Twilight, or the characters….but Lovestrong is all mine…Mwhahahahahahaha! **

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Lovestrong

Chapter 11- Home at last

EPOV

Putting the rest of my belongings into my bag feels incredible-the last time I did this, I was leaving rehab, and I felt nothing but nervous… I was scared shitless. This time, it's different… I can't wait to get home. I have spent the last few weeks at The Retreat, a small, privately run sober-living home for people with all kinds of addictions and disorders; it's been my escape and salvation. Garrett first told me about this place when I was getting ready to leave rehab, but at the time, all I wanted to do was go home-back to Forks…back to my family. It didn't matter what state my mind was in-I was clean, and that's all I cared about. Turns out I should have worried more about my mental health.

The staff here are great; they don't push me to talk…after all, that's still Garrett's job. They have helped me channel my energy and stress into things that I appreciate and are safe… I am once again enjoying the simple things in life: being able to sit and simply draw, or make a piece of stained glass art. I have even sat in on yoga, meditation, and healthy-cooking classes! It's been more like a spa than a mental health care facility.

At first I wasn't interested in coming here, but Garrett had basically told me to pull myself and my stuff together and come with him, or he would have me re-sectioned as a threat to myself and packed off back to the Rehabilitation Unit in Seattle…_easy choice_. So I packed, left a short note begging forgiveness and the wish for them to take care of Mallow, and made a leap of faith.

For a few weeks now, I have had no contact with the outside world. I have been at The Retreat for nearly four weeks, and if I am honest with myself…I feel great, better than ever. In my time here, I have realised a few things about myself: things that I couldn't have realized without Garrett's wisdom, Alice's interfering and Bella…without Bella's brutal honesty, I really don't think I would have come to this point. She got her closure, and now it's my turn… but it's not an ending that I am looking for, it's peace…and more importantly, it's a future for myself…with our without Bella.

* * *

The feel of her lips on my cheek still burns…her words bounce around my brain: _"I can forgive you, Edward, but I cannot forget, and I will carry around the scars of your fucked-up choices and mistakes forever… so goodbye, Edward." _

After calling Alice, I withdrew back into myself-it was hard to even function…I was so hoping she would bring Garrett, because it was him I needed, but Alice's was the first number in my cell phone so I was relying on Alice to call him. She didn't let me down; Garrett was the only one that could help at that point, because I was too far gone; I needed out of Forks, I needed to be away from all the rejection and pain…even if it was the truth.

Garrett didn't even need me to tell him what I needed, he just knew. I didn't even know what he was saying to me, both his and Alice's voices blurred into one, and every sound was an echo; I couldn't distinguish a human voice from the soft hum of the traffic down the street or Mal's soothing purr…it was all a massive clot of noise. When Garrett told me he needed to get me away from there, all I could do was respond with a nod…I didn't care where I went, as long as it didn't hurt anymore. Looking back, I know that I was almost guaranteed a relapse if I had stayed in Forks.

I can vaguely remember Alice getting me a bottle of water, then saying she would be back shortly…and that's when Garrett sprang into action. As soon as Alice had left the apartment, Garrett grabbed my old duffel bag from the closet and started throwing clothes into it…his big rush confused me, until he explained his reasoning later that night. He knew I needed space and structure, and there was no way I could get that in Forks. He knew he had no other option but to get me somewhere safe, but he was torn; the therapist in him told him it wasn't rational for us to just leave, but for the first time in our 'relationship' he was acting as my friend-he was getting me out of an unbearable situation, and he was doing it as fast as he could. If he had waited to explain our trip to Alice and my family, it may have been too late-he knew I was a flight risk…_once a drug addict, always a drug addict._

My brain and body had begun to shut down, and the heightened stress and shock was sending me back to five years ago...the need to be numb was quickly creeping in…and the fastest way was to score some drugs…any drugs. It's the only thing that would make me forget. Garrett knew this all to well-at the end of the day, the statistics screamed for themselves: I was more likely to relapse then, more than ever. So he packed me up and we left…fast.

I don't really remember leaving the apartment, but God…how my chest hurt. Bella was gone; I had deserted my family…again, and I felt lost-back to square one. Thank God Garrett was there; he gave me a mixture of my medication that seemed to ease my anxiety somewhat, and never stopped talking to me. That night, we sat and talked for hours, mainly about Bella and how I felt about her being back, and how her leaving had sent me spiralling into a panic. I had to be honest with Garrett…I have never felt so alone, and even though I was the healthiest-the cleanest I had been in five years-it felt like all the pain, all the anxiety was slowly uncovering the well-hidden drug addict in me.

Telling Garrett how close I was to just heading out and getting smashed was a shock to both him and me, and his worries about me relapsing were coming true, but that's how I felt: it was my easy way out. In the end, Garrett made me look at all the pros and cons in my life since I became drug free. But as he went on, he kept bringing Bella up, and there lay the flaw in his plan: I needed her, but she was never on the 'pro' list. She had made herself really fucking clear about that.

We were going around in circles: I couldn't see my future without Bella and Bella was never going to be in my future, and that was when Garrett snapped, his last ounce of patience gone.

"How do you think Bella would ever be able to look at you again…you're a wreck, you ass!" Garrett barked out. As soon as he said this, you could see his composure return, and he was back in professional mode and apologising for his momentary slip. Then he moved on to Alice and the part she had played in all of this-now, I knew she was only doing what she thought was best, but… I wish she could just keep her nose out of my business.

But in the end, it always came back to Bella. She was my weakness and strength all rolled into one, the one single person could both make and break me. But my life couldn't be just about her; I had to be able to control my mind and spirit so that it was me, and only me that held the keys to my future and my sobriety, not her.

Garrett was right. He said Bella was a trigger, and just like it did when I was in rehab, the mere mention of her in our conversation was getting the ball rolling-helping me get back on the road to sorting my life out. He used her against me-very effective, but fucked up reverse psychology. I was a fucking mess; I had built a poor constructed wall, holding in my emotional bullshit baggage, and there was only so much shit I could deal with before the wall came tumbling down. And here I thought I was doing so well. _Denial is not just a river in Egypt, eh, dumbass?_

Garrett told me about a privately run centre, The Retreat-it was the same place he wanted me to go to when I was discharged from rehab all those months ago but now he was pushing harder-told me I had to take responsibility for my addiction and illness, or I would never be free from this torment. What he said made sense, but all I wanted to do was forget; no way did I want to deal with strangers asking me about her, it was bad enough telling Garrett. At first I was not sold on the idea, this place couldn't do anymore for me than Garrett could…or so I thought.

So the next morning we set off early…we had a bit of a drive ahead of us, and Garrett wanted to get there before lunch. I couldn't stop worrying about all kinds of things. My family was at the forefront of my mind, but Garrett told me to stop worrying, he would deal with it. My little Marshmallow was another, and I tried to use him as an excuse to turn around and go home. I hadn't been without my buddy in the last year, and I was afraid he, too, would think I was abandoning him. Garrett reminded me that everyone adored my cat, and he would be cared for like the little prince he was.

Being on my own was another massive concern for me; I could not handle being alone with strangers right now, but once again Garrett supplied an answer: before I could change my mind, he said he could stay a week or so with me-he had a feeling I would need him anyway…I don't open up well to strangers. He said he would pass his other patients off on a colleague as soon as we got to the centre. He was all mine…whether I wanted him or not.

We had been on the road for a few hours when the scenery outside started to change, become more built up, and it didn't take long for the skyline of Seattle to come into view. Driving through the city was an odd feeling; I was even closer to Bella here than I was if I were back in Forks. All I could do was watch out of my window and stare at the people passing by…_I wonder if she passed through here on her way home yesterday?... w_as all I kept on thinking to myself. A lot of our time on the road was filled with us talking-Garrett asking if I was okay, if I needed anything…anyone would have thought he was my mother. Closing my eyes, it was easy to drift into a sleep like state, because of Garrett's constant drone, the anti-anxiety drugs, and the lack of shut-eye in the past twenty-fours.

I was brought back awake by the changed pace of the car and a jab by Garrett's elbow to the ribs. As I looked up, I was stunned by my surroundings. It was clear that we had travelled a fair way out of the city; there was green all around, and we were driving up a long driveway, which was lined by trees. I was so freaked out that this place was going to look like a hospital, or worse, a jail, but I was so wrong. We approached a large house, that I can only describe as being from one of those English drama's you see on TV. It's grand, double-fronted, and so not my style at all, but Garrett seemed to think it would help me…yeah…still wasn't convinced.

We were met by a tall, dark-haired woman who introduced herself as Dr. Angela Webber. She seemed nice; she explained that she would oversee my admission, and she would complete my assessment, but she wasn't able to be here for the whole of my stay, but I would see her from time to time. Which was fine by me-I still wasn't convinced about being here, but again, Garrett was adamant that I give it a go. I was shown my room which over looked the gardens, and was told to meet Dr. Webber in her office when I had settled in.

Garrett had given me some space to unpack-he was, no doubt, letting the staff here know about my history; I know he had referred me here in the past, but they needed an update about my most recent issues, no doubt. Dr. Webber was every bit as nice as I had thought, maybe a little too much. We handled all the paper work; she asked me a few questions about home, and my family, but nothing too in-depth. She and Garrett started discussing my clinical and medical history…I just zoned out, wondering what Bella was up to, looking out of the window. The afternoon had turned dull, turning to twilight, and I could just imagine sitting in these gardens staring up at the stars…rubbing tiny circles into my forearm, over my star tattoo. My thoughts were interrupted by Dr. Webber.

"What does the tattoo mean to you, Edward?"

"Home…" I mutter the word, and my brain does a three-sixty; shit, it's all so clear, I need to get my head straight. Prove to myself, and everyone else, that I am okay, that I can cope with all of this and be man enough to see Bella as a friend. I know even that may take some time, but I have to try…we both have so much left to say, and I know deep down that it's not over between us…but I have to work on me, before I can get back 'home'.

"Okay Edward, so home is… your family?"

"Yeah…my family, and my soul mate, even my damn cat…but for now, let's just say its home."

Looking over at Garrett, his eyebrows arch and a small smile appears on his face, but before he can say a thing, I take the lead. "Right…let's see what this place can do for me."

Dr. Webber explained about all the Retreat's amenities: all the group sessions, the one-to-one therapy, and the activities they had here. She told me I would be expected to have a one-to-one session twice a week to talk over how I was feeling, and if I wanted it to be with Garrett, it could be; she wanted to see me in two weeks. Normally, as Director of the facility, she would have seen me later this week, but as I had Garrett and she was needed back in Seattle, some emergency, a client she had seen for a few years needed her; she would wait until see was back at The Retreat to catch up with me. She talked me through some of the group sessions she thought I would like-there were traditional talk therapies, but there were also some awesome alternative therapies available, which made The Retreat so much more than a sober living or mental health home.

After reading through my file, she had decided that art therapy would benefit me; residents had multiple opportunities to use art therapeutically, in daily group sessions, or I could decide to do individual therapy sessions with an art therapist. She directed me to the spacious, dedicated art room that The Retreat had available for residents to use after hours so they could finish the projects they started; I was required to sleep at least eight hours a night, she stressed… I had become lax in making sure that I had enough healthy sleep.

Garrett must have told Dr. Webber that I loved doing all kinds of art when I was in the rehab centre and at home, because her whole program was tailored to my love of art. I was starting to think I may even enjoy being here. She also talked me into a beginning yoga class…she said that it might help me channel my stress, and I thought, _What the hell, anything is better than the devastating panic attacks I have now._

My first week was full of daily art sessions, where I meet a few new people, all with mental health and/or addiction problems…and to my surprise, I started to open up to them; we shared our pasts and our worries for the future. Garrett encouraged me to meet new people and open up to the staff, too, as I was here to deal with my state of mind and keep my body healthy and everyone here wanted to help me.

After my first session with Garrett, I saw my life from his point of view: yes, I was dealing with my drug addiction…I was hanging on to my sobriety by a thread, but I had never actually faced my mental health problems, which, as of a week ago, were on the breaking point. As the days went by, I was slowly getting to a healthier place; it stopped being about Bella and started being about me. Garrett kept reminding me that now it was my turn to think of me, and no one else.

At the start of the second week, I went in to my first 'dual therapy session; the staff here believed that if I spoke about my drug addiction, it would help my mental health, as both conditions went hand in hand…one lead to the other.

Garrett convinced me that my past issues with depression and panic had led to much of my drug use. He believed that talking about the issues that had triggered my addiction would help me to get a tighter hold on my current mental health…if not, I was at risk of replacing drugs with other dangerous behaviour to deal with my depression. The long-term goal was to get off my medication, but until I was able to learn healthy coping skills, that wasn't going to happen. The session was used to assess the nature of my relationship with drugs, and to educate and motivate me along the path to recovery from problems associated with substance use.

We worked out that my inability to forgive myself for everything I put my family and Bella through five years ago was a massive trigger for my depression. I felt that I was a monster, and that I had to suffer for the rest of my life to make amends. I worked though my feelings, talking with Garrett and the other staff about my drug use, and it helped me to see how far I had come in my recovery. It made me finally think about my future, and how much brighter it was now I wasn't dependant on drugs. If I could beat addiction, I could beat the depression. They were both illnesses that never went away, but I COULD learn to live with them day by day. I finished my session with happy, cleansing tears that were shared by Garrett…for the first time, I was hopeful about my future.

Later that same day Maggie, one of the art therapists, asked me if I wanted to try my hand at glass work-and I jumped at the chance… I had done some mosaic work at home, but had never tried actual stained glass work. I had talked with another resident earlier that day-Ray had been an Alcoholic for years, and he had suffered a breakdown after the failure of his marriage. This was his second time at The Retreat after a long stint in rehab, and he was hopeful this time.

He took an interest in my tattoo, showing me one he had on his leg: a phoenix, which for him symbolised his recovery from his addiction to alcohol. The remembered story of the Phoenix, a legendary mythological bird which crashed to the earth, only to rise from the ashes, renewed and beautiful, symbolized my fight, too. So when I went into the class, I had the idea firmly set in my mind: I would make a stained glass picture of the phoenix, and I would take it home with me, a reminder of the day I realized I could get better, and move on with a healthy, happy life.

Selecting and placing the old pieces of glass was really revealing-I thought I knew what my problems were and whose fault it was, but my perspective had now changed. It helped me start understanding that my drug use was a symptom of my mental health, and I had to get it under control. Art in general helped me to find myself and lose myself all at the same time; I could express myself without using words, because talking about my issues was draining. Learning the art of soldering and beading from Maggie was symbolic; I was taking the old fragments of myself and joining them back together, and the new joints were stronger, brighter than the old parts.

It wasn't easy. My fingers were covered in burns and cuts, and many times I would cuss long and loud when I broke a joint, or a perfect piece of glass, right as I was about to finish. I had never learned patience…man, did stained glass teach it to me! I also learned that the cuts and burns would heal, and that often, the second piece of glass that I used was actually better than the first…I just hadn't seen it at the time. The art opened my eyes to who I had become, and I kinda liked the new me.

That was the catalyst. I no longer saw The Retreat as a rehab… I saw it as a place to learn all that I could about myself. I went on long hikes in the surrounding woods, worked out and swam in the indoor pool, took a few healthy cooking classes that the first class chefs there offered to its clients. I even threw myself into the yoga classes; they really weren't for me, but it was relaxing and a place to gather my thoughts. It made me realize that I would like to learn some type of meditation to deal with my stress.

At the start of the third week, I discussed my progress with Garrett, who was so happy. By coming here, I had opened my mind up to the fact that I had to get better for me and no one else AND that I deserved some happiness in my life. We were once again joined by Dr. Webber, who apologized for not seeing me earlier in my stay; her help was required in Seattle longer than she thought. Dr. Webber had asked me how I had found the last couple of weeks, and if my outlook had changed since being here.

My answer was simple: I loved it here. The art classes had really helped, and the setting for this beautiful home was all I need to get inspired…sitting in the gardens at night was so peaceful; I told Dr. Webber that sometimes I was joined by other residents, and we would just sit in silence watching the night sky, but then other nights I would sit alone, just like I used to in rehab, thinking about my home and the events that led up to me coming here.

I really didn't want to bring up Bella by name, but Dr. Webber knew there was someone, who had been part of the reason that I had cracked, leading Garrett to force me to get more help. I was looking down a lot when speaking to Dr. Webber, only looking at her every so often; she was jotting down notes anyway, but a couple of times I would see her watching me as if she knew the other side of my story…it was just strange, but I put it down to the fact she was a specialist in dual therapies.

Garrett had to get back to Forks for a few days, not to mention he had to explain to my Mother and family where I had been. I was worried they would be pissed off at me, that was the last thing I wanted; I was worried about Mallow, too… but Garrett told me not to stress-they would understand, and at the end of the day, I _was_ a fully grown adult who needed help, and it was up to me to do what I needed, so I could get better. We touched on the fact that my family, but particularly Alice, had not given me the chance to lead my life and it had not helped me to develop a healthy adult life when I got home from the hospital.

As the days passed, I continued to work on the phoenix glass; it was turning out to be amazing, especially for my first piece. I used all different shades and textures of glass, from reds to blues and blacks to oranges-Maggie helped me pick up the techniques of cutting the glass, using a wheel cutter to mark the glass then pliers to make the break, and using the small soldering gun to curve and melt the lead. Joining all the pieces together was my favourite part; turning old battered junk, into a new work of art, full of splendour, was something I was proud of...art imitating life…my life. Maggie told me she had never seen someone pick up this difficult art so easily…she said I was somewhat of a prodigy. I blushed when she proudly told me that I was the best student she had ever had.

Maggie also took our time in class as a way of pushing me to open up about my past love life, about Bella…never once did she ask me to name her, she just asked me my thoughts on where my head was at now… I found it easy after all the time I had spent with her to put my feelings into words.

"My biggest fear at the moment is going back home, and watching all my family and friends doing well, being happy with their spouses, while I am alone, and still on the mend…I am worried that it will push me backwards, mentally. I want what they have."

Maggie's response made me smile; she reminded me of someone…if I didn't know any better, I would say Rosalie was right here with me.

"Edward, chances come from change; you've got to find some courage before you go back home, you need to learn that nobody's going to help someone who won't change… It's time for you to be brave and go get what you want."

And there it was, just a couple of sentences, which summed up what I needed to do. It was time to go back home, live my new brave life, and right my wrongs.

And I knew exactly where I needed to start…

* * *

Closing my bedroom door one last time, I have already decided that in the future, I will come back here on a regular basis, just to remind myself that I had to take care of me first. Maybe I will get to bring someone with me, show them how amazing this place is, and it was where I realised I had to start living for me and _I deserved to be happy…_ whether it could or would be Bella, I don't know right now, but who knows?

I had carefully packed up my stained glass supplies and my completed phoenix piece; Garrett had arrived about half an hour ago and already had put most of my things in his car-I had collected a lot of 'junk' while I was here, but I wasn't leaving any of it. Like my life, what looked like junk could turn into the most beautiful art.

On my way downstairs I pushed open the Art room, to see Maggie. She was at her desk, drawing. Clearing my throat, I interrupted her to say goodbye… "Maggie, see you soon I hope…oh, and thanks for everything you taught me. I can't tell you how much…."

She didn't look up from her work. With a wave of her hand, she dismissed me, "Bye, Edward."

As I backed out of the door, she called out "Oh, and Edward? Don't forget be brave….and I hope you find your way back home." A small smirk danced across her face, as if she was teasing me…she knew I had a place in this world, I just had to prove it to myself, and everyone else.

Walking down the large staircase I couldn't help but smile: things were starting to look up. I had a few more friends to win back, but I was determined… I would let fate have her turn. My eyes met Garrett, waiting at the bottom, and he had the same smirk on his face that Maggie did; he knew this was my fresh start, and I was happily going to start living in this world again.

Of course, Dr. Webber was there talking to Garrett, and as I got to the bottom of the stairs, she gave me that odd...knowing look again…what is she, a mind reader? I feel like she can see inside my head.

"Goodbye, Edward…I know I will see you soon!" _Why did that sound like a threat…?_ Reaching out to shake my hand, I returned the gesture gratefully but quickly; I was ready to go home…this was my new beginning.

"Yeah, bye…Dr. Webber. Thanks for everything."

As we headed toward the front door, Garrett stopped to find his car keys, and Dr. Webber turned around and looked at me.

"Oh, and Edward…call me Angela!" she shouted over her shoulder, closing the door as she entered her office.

_Weird…_

Garrett was already outside so I had to rush down the steps to catch up. I heard the beep of his car lock opening, and found he had already opened the back door of the car. I threw my bag inside and turned around, taking in my surrounds for one final time. Garrett was getting impatient, and he rolled down the window to get my attention.

"Come on…let's get going Edward!"

"Chill…G…What's the rush?"

"Your sister…Alice will kill me if we don't get back home in time. Emmett and Rose are having a party to celebrate the garage opening…she said to tell you she left some clothes on your bed… she will be waiting for you at the beach. Oh, and Edward? She said to tell you Mallow has missed you almost as much as she has."

_Oh Hell. Guess I get to be brave sooner than I thought._

I jumped in the front seat. I was going home.

* * *

**Thank you.**

**You know what to do….REVIEW.**

**See you all next weekend x**


	12. Chapter 12

**Authors note**

**Thank you for your patience, better late than ever...right? As normal I need to show my love for Jill, Charlotte and Sarah who as always are there when I need them… THANK YOU GIRLS.**

**I know it's cheesy but this chapter is for two of my girls… both thought they would never overcome heartbreak…but guess what, they did; hate to say I told you so… it just took some time. Kimmy and Rachel… love you**

**Well obviously I don't own twilight or the characters, but I do own the plot and all Lovestrong related ramblings! This Fic is rate M for a reason: for the Motherf#*king bad language, the Mind blowing future lemons and the Mangled lives of our Bella, Edward and Mallow!**

**Don't forget to head on over to the Facebook group… we have had a name change…search GemLouWarb FanFiction!**

**That's all from me... Enjoy!**

* * *

Lovestrong

Chapter 12 – Just let it fall… it's going to crumble.

BPOV

Why did I park the Volvo facing his building? This is torture, 'cause I can't make my eyes leave his window. Some part of me is hoping that he is watching me leave, but I don't understand why-I came here to get my ending, so why does it suddenly feel like I am back to square one?

The same two questions play on a loop inside my head…_stupid Bella. _

Pulling myself together, I know I have to make this right… I have lived in a world where the memory of this man has ruled my every waking moment, and it has to stop. I got my much-needed closure, and it is time to move on.

Clearing my head of my jumbled inner thoughts, I know I need to get back to Charlie's, back to my girls and then back to Bellevue-tonight. Heading back through the streets of Forks, just like I did no more than two hours ago, gives me time to put my "happy Bella" mask back firmly in place. Kate is bound to now know where I have been, and I need to show her I am okay. That this has been good for me…but how am I going to do that when I can't even convince myself?

As I leave the main street of Forks, I become aware that maybe, confronting Edward wasn't such a great idea. He needed to hear what he did to me. Hopefully, once I am back at home, in Bellevue, things will finally start to get better. There are a lot of things I need to fix, Charlie being one of them, but I just need time. In the end it all comes down to the fact that everyone I thought loved me turned their backs on me. They fed me to the wolves so to speak, and that includes my faithful best friends…_yeah okay!_

Leah not so much, but Kate was all on Edward's side…so much that she might as well have the flags and banners out and start chanting his fucking name.

* * *

Fuck me, talk about déjà vu… I once again find myself staring out of my car window, but this time it Charlie's house. I also have one pissed-off best friend standing there staring back at me. Kate looks… oh; I don't know what the fuck she looks like, but this shit isn't good. Rubbing my eyes, I am hoping, praying that when my vision unblurs she's not really there…but nope, she's definitely there, all hands on hips and mouthing for me to get out of the car. _Suck it up Bella, you made your bed…you get to lay the hell down…_I think to myself as I step out of the safety that is my Volvo.

"Where the hell…no wait, I know where you've been! What the fuck were you thinking?"

"It's all good Katie, don't stress out or you'll blow a blood vessel. What's done is done, now let's go home."

"Not good enough Isabella; you can't kid me… you're a fucking wreck! You know that as much as I do, and it's just a matter of time… you can't keep this façade up forever!" Kate sneers out.

"Whatever Kate, you fucked me over good and proper, leaving me to face Charlie…you knew I wasn't ready for that shit, then you were all like 'Go Edward!' and then to defend me in front of his family, shit Kate, piss on me why don't ya! Talk about giving me whiplash…you need to make your mind up…what should I do? Please, just listen to me-I am ready to go home…now! Let's get the fuck outta here before anything else goes to shit!" Venomous sarcasm was laced though my words as I headed inside Charlie's house, leaving Kate standing slack-jawed.

_One, two, three… _I silently count waiting for Kate's feet to catch up to her brain… she's gonna jump me for this, but it needed to be said. I was sick to death of people treating me like a fucking idiot because of my past. Out with the old, in with the new Bella…_Pfttt_…I just didn't know how long she's going to last.

Walking into the living room I notice the girls have been busy-all my stuff is packed, and it's all lined up, waiting to go. Leah has had her back to me since I came in, probably waiting for me to snap at her, but that wasn't going to happen. She has been the only one to stand fast on whose team she is batting for. Leah finally turned around, a massive smile plastered on her face.

"Hi babe…You done sorting your shit out now? Can we go home?"

"Yeah, let's go, just give me five…I need to do something," I ask.

Kate must have decided to let what had been said outside be forgotten, as she is already rooting in her bag; this is normal behaviour: she is looking for her car keys, forever lost in the stupidly big bag she insists on carrying. And as always, she finds Leah's keys first… _I really need to convince Leah to grow up and carry her own bag! _I think to myself as Kate tosses Leah's keys to her. I am pretty sure she aims at her head every time, and I can't help but chuckle…_God, I love these pair…what would I do without them?_ But I know Kate; she will use my little outburst against me…sometime soon.

"Babe, we will pack up the cars...we'll wait outside for you, okay?" Leah asks.

"Yep, two minutes, I am ready to get this show on the road."

I wait until the girls have left, as I need to do this myself. Grabbing a piece of paper and pen, I scribble down a quick note to Charlie…

**Thank you for giving me my space, Dad**

**I will see you soon.**

**Bye, old man.**

**B x**

I don't even leave any tears marks on the paper… this time.

* * *

The drive back to Bellevue is exhausting, but it's given me nearly four hours to think. Did I really make the best decision, going to see Edward? And the only answer I can come up with is…no. Twice within the last four hours I have been close to tears and I don't know why…I don't understand my own emotions right now. Thank God we are all traveling in separate cars, as both Kate and Leah would be able to see straight though me… maybe closure is miles off, not as close as I thought it would be.

Pulling onto our little street is a relief. I am back to my home, and I can finally breathe out the air I have been unconsciously holding since I left here. Shit, I don't even know how long it's been, it seems like forever ago. With all three cars back in our driveway, all is as it should be…or is it…this just doesn't feel right. The girls are already in the house as I make my way up the front steps; it is really strange being back here. Last time I was here, I knew nothing-now, I know the whole thing was a ruse. I know that Edward is back there waiting for me.

He wants me back…

"Bella, come here!" Leah screams down the hallway.

Leah is with Kate, both of them debating what takeout to get for dinner. I am just about to snatch the menu from them and make a choice myself when I feel my cell vibrate in my back pocket…shit; I had forgotten that was even there. As I enter the lock screen pin, the little red notification dots alert me to the fact that I have been lost in my own little world for the last half a day… two missed calls and five text messages.

The calls were from Leah, from over five hours ago. The text messages are not that easy to shake off. All from Alice, all the same:

**Bella where r u… please message me back, I just wanna make sure you are alright.**

Leah and Kate are both watching me, worry written all over their faces. I clear my throat-it not only stops my voice from betraying me but also gives me an extra second to satisfy the girl's curiosity; I am okay. Leah must have figured out I was struggling, as she continues the dinner debate thus taking the focus off me. We finally order some food; hot and sour soup, BBQ pork, deep-fried prawns, sweet and sour chicken, beef with broccoli all soaked up with egg fried rice and two orders of egg rolls. The delivery boy looked at me like I was a greedy bitch, but you know what, he can fuck off...I am hormonal and empty.

All three of us sat crossed legged on the floor, a bottle of chilled wine shared between us; it was easy to slip back into how things should be, but there was always this little niggle at the back of my mind…I wanted to reply to Alice-not for me, but to see how Edward is. Yeah...okay, I completely understand I must be fucked up in the head, but I can't help it...I thought it would be so easy to end it all, to forget him, but it's not. It doesn't matter what he has done to me-seeing him so weak, him begging me to stay is burned into the back of my brain. He loves me, and as much as I deny it, this isn't over yet. And I am so worried about what my rejection might do to him in such a fragile state.

"Bella, babe…what's up with you?" questions Kate.

"Shit…" I mutter as I wipe a single tear from my cheek, "Cover's blown, eh?"

"Nothing to blow, baby girl…you can't lie for shit, and any way, you can't fool us either. We know you better than you know yourself at this point!" Leah hammers in the final nail, _kill me now._

Kate picked up where Leah finished.

"Sweetie, you can carry on kidding yourself, but it's only so long before you will break down…Bella, please get help, don't try to deal with this on your own. When you went off to see Edward, I knew then that the whole 'I am over him' shit was just that…shit. Bella, I know I hurt you by not standing behind you one hundred percent, and I understand you have been to hell and back these last few days. I mean, you are holding it together so well; even I would have issue keeping my shit together if I had been over loaded with what you have. I'm just worried about when it all hits you."

Wiping yet another tear from my face, I can't help but sigh. "I am sorry girls; I promised I wouldn't do this… I really thought…fuck!" No words are needed. I can't think. They are right, of course, they are. The front is ready to slip big time…

"Bella shut the hell up. You have nothing to be sorry for-just promise me you will talk to us. We are here if…_when_ you need to scream and shout, you can let it all out," Leah said as she rubbed the top of my arm.

I had been lying to myself; my feelings for Edward were the forefront of my focus. I thought I would just face him; tell him how I felt and that would be it. In reality this wasn't how I wanted to feel. My hard-fought victory was hollow-I crushed Edward, but at what cost? I feel misplaced. The small sign of comfort from Leah, just a simple rub to the shoulder, is all it takes to finally push me to my emotional limit. I can't stop my silent tears from spilling over, and once again I find myself crying, but this time it isn't for anyone else...it's for me.

The girls want me to talk, to tell them how I feel, but can they help me? I know I need to make a call, but let's give my friends a go first.

"When I left the diner, everything was so solidly set in my mind-I knew what I had to do. Everyone was so up for me talking to Edward, I think I convinced myself it's what I actually had to do. I mean, don't get me wrong: I am glad I saw him, but maybe it was too soon. I should have come home, you know…waited awhile. Fuck…when I got to his apartment, he must have been watching me. He came up behind me…it was all so fast-within a split second I started to become defensive-that shaped the meeting." My jumbled thoughts are coming out in the world's worst word vomit in history…I wonder if I am even making sense.

Another wave of tears hit me, and this time it is regret; why did I rush myself when I knew it wasn't right?

"I kissed him. Kate… it was meant to be my goodbye…God."

I had to move, standing up I paced back and forth. This was getting to much; I now understand. I messed up by going to see him, but saying it out loud solidifies it in my mind. I made the fifth pass behind our sofa, when I feel Kate come up behind me, and she pulls me towards her.

"Bella…STOP!"

Turning around to look at Kate, all I can do is shake my head at her; my way of surrendering. I need help. Holding on to Kate's hand, I make my way down the hall to my room; I want to sleep…I am so worn out, both mentally and physically.

Sitting down on the bed, the empty, hollow feeling just won't leave me. I wanted to come home so bad, but now I feel so far away; it hardly seems real.

"Get some rest babe," Kate whispered as she pulled back the blanket on my bed. "You will feel better after a night's sleep, okay?"

"All I wanted was to go home, Kate," I murmur.

"You are B…shhhh, it's okay; you are okay… don't worry yourself about it now."

"No, I'm not…" My reply is so low; I am not sure whether Kate hears me. That is until her head snaps back around the closing door. She doesn't say anything to correct me…because deep down, I think we both know my heart is screaming out that I had left my home just hours earlier. I had left Edward.

* * *

Reaching for my cell, I check the time; it's not even 7AM, but there is no way I am going to go back to sleep. I have something I need to do. The relief I should feel from it being a new morning is not happening today. As I open Facebook on my iPhone, I notice I have a friend request… it's from Alice. _I can't deal with her now_ I think to myself, as I press the 'not now' button, but Alice isn't one to be put off. I have another text message from her too…this time it's short and to the point.

**I am Sorry Bella x**

I really can't worry about her now. I have to worry about me, and my collapsing identity.

_There's no time like the present, _I think to myself as I scroll through my contacts, and then hit the call button. It rings for a couple of seconds before I hear her voice.

"Dr Webber…how may I help you?" O_h how formal Angie…you know it's me, woman._

"Dr Web… Angie, it's me Bella. Are you available?"

"Oh hello, I am at the Retreat at the moment; just waiting for a new patient to be admitted, you okay?

"Not really, can I make an appointment to come and see you? Like, soon?" I question.

I hear her office door close, obviously trying to get some privacy. "Of course you can, but can I ask; is this a coffee and croissant kinda chat, or do you want to do this in the office?"

"Definitely the office, Ang… urmm, I have some serious shit going down…yeah."

"Alright…I will be at the retreat until just after mid-day…that gives me a couple of hours to get back to the city, and I will see you let's say…urmm…Two o'clock?"

"Perfect, see you then…and Angela? Thank you."

Hanging up the call, I can't help but wonder…does Edward have a Facebook account? Or E-mail? I resist the urge to cyber-stalk…barely. _There is no point in tormenting myself_. Tossing my phone on the bed, I head for the shower, hoping that the hot water will relax the tension vibrating throughout my entire body.

By the time I get out, I need coffee, badly. I head into the kitchen, I notice that Leah is nowhere to be seen; she probably already left for the office. Kate has gone to; she will more than likely be heading into Caketail for the day. She hasn't been gone long, as a hot cup of coffee waiting for me, along with a note:

**Make that call, Bella… LYL- x**

_Already one step ahead of you, Katie._

I spend the morning trying to take my mind off my appointment with Angela. I haven't seen her for a while, and the events of the last few days are really going to shock the shit out of her. Keeping myself occupied; I have cleaned the house from top to bottom, it's now sparkling, and I can't do anymore chores. I have run out of things to do and I still have less than two hours before I need to leave. Heading back to my room, I grab my phone and jacket. Sitting down on the edge of my bed, I realize I don't even know what I am going to say to Ang. What do I want? What am I feeling? She can't solve all my issues, this I know, but I just need to talk to her-she must have some advice for me.

Throughout the day my mind has drifted, and my curiosity has gotten the better of me. I open up the Facebook app on my phone and enter Alice's name into the search bar…there she is in big bold letters. Her friend request is still pending, and without even realising I am doing it, I am scrolling through her friends list…BINGO! Edward Cullen. Clicking his name is all I can do; his profile is set to private…_Typical._ Back on Alice's page, I can't help but glance through her photos. Most of them are of her and Jasper, a couple of Esme and Carlisle, but then there's an album marked "Family." The masochistic side of me rears its ugly head again, and here he is…

Edward-smiling, happy…in his apartment, with his cat, painting, all cheerful and…

"FUCK OFF!" I scream. How DARE he be the cause of so much fucking heartbreak, yet he gets his Happily Ever After…? "YOU PRICK! GODDAMN YOU!"

Now I am angry again, so pissed off… how can he do this to me? And now I am running late, and it's entirely his fault!

By the time I hit the outskirts of Seattle, its fifteen minutes before my appointment, and I am stuck, no longer able to give a name to the emotions that I am feeling. The only word that comes to mind is erratic. I don't know what I am doing anymore. Why have I even come here? The past twenty-four hours have been a whirlwind, a mess of different feelings: one minute I wanna drive back to Forks and work out all this mess…other times I want to drive back to Forks, and kick his ass hard. But, I guess that's what I am seeing Angie for…right?

Angela's office is on the second floor of a smart health centre. It's very classy, as is Dr Webber herself, and the woman herself is now eyeing me up from down the corridor…she knows this is serious, because as the years have gone on, our meetings have become far less formal; maybe getting a coffee together in a local coffee shop, or even a hotdog in the park. It's been a while since I have been to her office.

"Good Afternoon, Miss Swan," Angela said, raising her perfectly arched eye brow at me.

"Good to see you too, Dr Webber,"… I return her snark; _two can play that game, Angie!_ I think to myself as I enter her office.

Chuckling as she takes her seat, she jumped right in. "No, really Bella, are you okay? I have been worried all day; after I got your call, I couldn't stop thinking about you."

"Oh shit, Ang…I bet your client up at the retreat was mad they didn't get your full attention."

Rolling her eyes at me, she seemed to withdraw back into a professional manner. "They were…okay, they will settle in quite nicely, I think."

"Maybe I should take some time away to get my head back straight…how about taking me back with you; the break would do me the world of good!"

"NO! I mean…ummm…I'm sorry Bella, but we are at capacity right now…we can't take any more patients at the moment. Really, another time would be better."

_Strange… Angela is normally so composed. _

"Bella…what did you want to talk about today?"

_There we go...Dr. Webber is back in the room._

_Here goes nothing_, I think to myself as I get ready to pour my guts out. I take a deep breath...

"I went back to Forks."

Angela's head snaps up, from where she is taking notes…but shit, that just got her attention.

"Right, okay…and when did this happen? And why?"

I have worked with Angie for a while now; I know how she works, and the open questions are coming thick and fast.

"I got back yesterday…My dad called me and said he needed me, so I went-I had come so far, so I thought, it wouldn't hurt? After all, certain people had moved on with their lives, and I wasn't going to see them again. Oh shit, Ang, how wrong I was. I got to Charlie's and all hell broke loose. Alice, his sister turned up…I had been there for ten minutes and she ambushed me. She basically told me why he left me…Drugs, can you believe it? And, Oh My God…it was my Dad all along…"I was sobbing already, my chest seizing up with panic as I remembered how it all felt.

"Bella, what was all about your Dad?"

"He made him leave me…five years ago. He told him he wouldn't tell anyone why, he just ended our relationship…it was his entire fault. He almost died! He could have died and I would have never known! But he fought it all alone. And I saw him Angie…God, he looks so good, and everything else he has, shit…even after everything. He has it all, an apartment…for fuck's sake; he has a cat…our life…FUCK!"

"WHO?" Angela questioned.

"EDWARD!" I roar back.

"Bella…calm down, please…right, remember to breathe…count to ten, slow your heart rate. You can do it," Angela pleaded, begging me to calm down. "Bella, why did you go to his house?"

"I spoke to his family, and I needed to get my point across to him, let him know how his decisions have affected me. Everyone was telling me he was broken, and that he needed my forgiveness…so I gave it to him. I was so proud of myself…you know. I told him that I forgave him, told him that we were done, but then I jinxed myself. I kissed Edward's cheek…shit, shit, shit…why did I do that? I meant it to be a goodbye, but as soon I as touched him, it just clicked. His smell was how I remembered it, his voice…I would have given anything to just hold him and tell him that I was there for him, but I couldn't, it had gone too far."

Wringing my hands together, and then wiping my eyes with a tissue from the desk, I continued sobbing out my story.

"I had to get away from him, and as soon as I got back in the car, the denial kicked in…but it was all pretend. Then I came back home, back here…I don't know, it just didn't seem right…all I want to do was go back to Forks, back to Edward. But I can't tell Kate that, this is for me to sort out. Ang, he has a perfect life: the apartment, the cat, the family. He has it all, and it should have all been mine…I still want it to be mine, and Angie, FUCK! He says he still loves me…"

"Bella…you can still have all that, you've just got to put it all in to perspective. Okay, so maybe you might think his life is perfect, but from what you have told me, he's overcome an addiction…I don't think it's all a bed of roses for him, you know. But you have to ask yourself…what do you want, and more importantly _who_ do you want? Now, I am not telling you to forget the past, because then any relationship you had with Edward would be based on false hope and an idea that you needed this perfect life. So what do you do…put your faith in something unknown? Because at the end of the day, that's what Edward is to you now, unknown. The old Edward isn't there; he might look the same…but believe me, if he is a recovering addict...Then he will be a completely different person from the one you knew."

"Hell…I don't know what I want anymore, it wasn't meant to be like this," I mumble.

"Bella…listen to me. Don't make any rushed choices; he will wait if he wants you back so bad. Quite frankly, you are obviously not in a healthy enough place to be in a romantic relationship with ANYONE. I want you to promise me that right now, you will concentrate on your health and well-being. Get your head together, and get your emotions in check… then you will be able to follow your heart easily. But please listen to me Bella, I mean it when I say you have to talk about it: come see me, heck…call me, talk to Kate, Leah, anyone. It will help you keep your thoughts in order."

"Thanks Ang…can I come back next week? Maybe then things will be clearer."

"Of course you can, how about the 15th, that's a ten days from now. And Bella, you call anytime…promise! Call me if you need me in the meantime."

Walking around her desk, I give her a massive hug…she is more like one of the girls now, but she still there for me in a professional way, when I need her. "Bye Ang, see you soon."

Just as I am about to leave her office, she shouts over to me "Oh, and Bella remember that if you follow your heart, it will always win in the end."

* * *

The next week and half flew by; I am kept busy by the girls: doing shifts most days at Caketail, as Kate has been out looking at new locations. She wants to open a second shop, 'Expand the empire' in her words. She's been on the phone to realtors all over Washington; the girl is on a mission. Leah has done her part by taking me shopping, and in drinking massive amounts of wine and eating large quantities of junk food. And it works…mostly.

Still, Edward is at the back of my mind; I'm wondering how he is doing. I even miss Alice's interfering, but of course, she wouldn't let me forget her. The messages have slowed somewhat over the last couple of days, but before that they were every day. I have even had the odd missed call, but I can't bring myself to answer her…what was it that Angie said? Don't make any rushed decisions.

Before I know it, it's the 15th and I am back in Angela's office in Seattle. I called her last week to shorten our appointment, but as she smugly pointed out, I pay for the hour regardless. We have been discussing the last week, but Ang seems distracted…I have rarely seen her like this before, she gets too wrapped up in other cases, but that's her job…I guess.

"Ang…are we done here, you seem preoccupied?"

"It's fine…honest, I just have to head back to the Retreat later today, but that doesn't matter now. I'm so sorry Bella, please. Continue what you were telling me?"

"I am fine Angie; I still can't make my mind up what to do. I'm still feeling so mixed up about everything that happened. Maybe if I ever get a reason to head back to Forks, I will. I need to speak to Charlie; he called me the other day. It was very strained, but he is my Dad after all, there only so long I can ignore him. When I go back, maybe Edward and I can talk; you never know, maybe one day we can be friends again. Do you think that is possible?"

Angela's face says it all-she doubts I could just be friends with him, but she never says anything, it's not her place. Instead she just leaves me with a bit of her wisdom: "Go slowly, Bella. You never know what's around the corner. It's obvious that both of you have a lot to get off your chests still, but don't push him, and definitely don't let him walk all over you! And Bella; one last thing, if you don't fight for what you want, don't ever moan to me about what you have lost."

"Yeah…okay, Dr. Webber!" Rolling my eyes at her, I can't let her know she makes sense, now can I?

* * *

Time seemed to race past me, the days seem to dissolve into the next and before I know it the weekend has come round again. I was still helping out a lot at Caketail, but this time my mind is on Edward a lot more. I had thought about it so much, from every angle, but was now at the point where if I didn't ever address the whole 'Edward problem,' I would never be able to move forward. I guess our confrontation did help, in some messed kinda way. I have even opened up to the girls too; they are both on my side and have said they will stand by me, no matter what happens. They even said they would come to Forks with me again when the time came; which they are both convinced will happen _sooner_ rather than _later… I haven't told them I do to._

It Friday night and we are about to go out for dinner and drinks, which I have not done in ages. It has been crazy, with Kate building her cupcake empire and my head in the fucking clouds. I can hear my phone ring from inside my bedroom. I choose to ignore it because I am just about ready to go out and have a good night, but it doesn't quit. No sooner does it stop, it starts up again.

"For fucks sake, Bella…answer that pissing phone!" Leah bellows down the hall.

Racing down the hall, I nearly fall over my bed, but manage to grab my phone…it's a private number, one I don't recognize. I don't normally answer these types of calls, but something is telling me to answer it, just this once.

"Hello?" I say shakily into the mouth piece…G_od only knows why I am nervous_.

"Well, you aren't fucking dead, Bella Swan. Why have you been refusing my calls?" A _very_ angry Rosalie Hale barks back at me.

"One second, Miss Fucktard, I didn't know it was you, and to be blunt I am not sure I would have answered anyway! Between you and Alice, I feel like I am being fucking stalked!"

"Woooo, Bella Swan grew a fucking back bone, no wonder Edward's gone AWOL…anyway, I was only calling to ask you if you would come to our garage opening party next week; it would mean so much to me and Emmett if you were there, and Jake too. Did you know he was working for us? Anyway you were and still are important to us…"

"ROSE! Shut the fuck up, what did you say?"

"I want you to come to our party…"

"No…Edward; what did you say about Edward?" _Oh God, what did I do?_

"Oh, he has gone missing, well the family knows he's okay, and they know he is safe, that's the main thing, I guess. After you left…he just…well I haven't seen him since. Emmett is climbing the walls; it doesn't look like his best friend will be back in time for the party."

"Crap…how's Esme coping?" I question.

"She is okay….she spoke to Garrett, Edward's counsellor…but no one has actually told us where he is. Just that he is okay. So Bella…what about the party?"

"Party…Right…That means Forks. Fuck, yeah, I will…I need to see Charlie anyway. Let me talk to the girls to see if they can come with me, but yeah Rose, it will be good to see you. We need to catch up properly…Alice too…"

_I'm still not sure she deserves it_…_but it's time to make some changes_. I think to myself before continuing.

"Tell her I might be coming, will you? Maybe it will get her off my ass."

"You got it Swany… she will be so happy, she has walked around with a scowl on her face for the past three weeks."

"No promises Rose. I can't come on my own, so it's up to Kate and Leah, but I will try. I have someone who wouldn't mind meeting Jacob!"

"I will text you the times, we were planning on next Sunday… that okay? Don't worry B… either you're there or you're not, no pressure…and how very interesting about Jake… and Leah, I guess?" I smile as she cackles through the phone speaker.

"Yeah…okay, bye Hale," I say as I push the red button, ending the call.

With a smile, I rush back down to the girls. I am met by two very inpatient looking friends.

"What, you made me take the call!" I tell Leah, who looks like is about to eat Kate; she can't be that hungry.

"Who the hell was it, and more importantly; are you ready now, Your Majesty?" Leah snaps out.

"Yeah, let's go. Oh, and girls? What are you both doing next week…fancy a road trip?"

* * *

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	13. Chapter 13

**Authors note**

**I flove this chapter hard, and I hope you think it was worth the wait. As normal I need to show my love for Jill, Charlotte and Sarah who as always are there when I need them… THANK YOU GIRLS.**

**Both me and the team would like to say that our thoughts and prayers are with all you girls on the east coast… stay save.**

**Well obviously I don't own twilight or the characters, but I do own the plot and all Lovestrong related ramblings! This Fic is rate M for a reason: for the Motherf#*king bad language, the Mind blowing future lemons and the Mangled lives of our Bella, Edward and Mallow!**

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**That's all from me... Enjoy!**

* * *

Lovestrong

Chapter 13 – Anything could happen…

"Okay, thank you; we will be there later this afternoon." As I end the call, Leah is standing in front of me, all hands on hips attitude; she is amused… Bitch.

"Babe, what the hell… that's the third time this week you have confirmed our reservation for the hotel, anyone would think you were nervous!" questioned Leah, with a chuckle.

"Just double checking that everything's okay," I replied, rolling my eyes at her. I can tell by her face, she doesn't buy a word I am saying. "Whatever Leah, you ready to go?"

"Ready when you are, baby… where's Katie?" asks Leah.

As I am about to answer, Kate beats me to it, as she comes trotting down the stairs with the biggest bag I have ever seen: anyone would think we were going away for more than just one night! But, we had to get back tomorrow, as Kate had plans down at Caketail.

"Shit, Kate… what the hell do you have in there?"

"Just the important things, ya know; I still can't decide what to wear for this damn party…but I so know what you are wearing babe! Time to show the good people of Forks what Miss Bella Swan has become!" Kate proudly puffs out her chest, like she's a satisfied mother.

Over the last week, I have changed my mind like a millions time about going back to Forks; it was actually Charlie who helped me make a final decision. He knew we were coming, but he called and offered to let us stay at the house; of course, I couldn't accept his offer, I couldn't be that close. I need an easy escape out-of-town, but if Charlie was willing to make the first move towards repairing our much battered relationship, then I had to go. After all, even if the only thing that comes good out of this trip is that Charlie and I settle our differences, then it would be a success. Yes, I know I am a sentimental idiot, but he's my Dad, the only one I have left; he's the last connection to my Mom. So I kindly turned Charlie down, and booked all three of us into the Forks Motel; it's not the greatest place in the world, but it's neutral… and that's what I need if I need to hide. Or run.

And so the long-ass journey back to Fork starts again; the girls had decided between them that we were taking the Volvo, but Leah was driving. Apparently I had a lot of planning and thinking to do, and me driving wasn't going to work, so I have to hand my keys over to her. _God this is gonna hurt, _I think to myself as Leah backs my baby out of our driveway, cranking up Metallica as she peels out.

"Have you told Angela that you have decided to do this?" Kate shouts over the music, from the back seats.

"Shit, no… I'll text her now."

* * *

Much of the journey has been filled with us busting into song at random times, and the girls tell me I should do this with my hair and that with my makeup and frankly, I couldn't give a shit. Rose has told me more than once that Edward won't be there, and I really do believe it, don't I? But this trip isn't just about Edward, it's about me. I need to fix me, and getting the past ironed out is the first step. Oh, that and Kate double checking and checking again that the cupcakes she had made for the garage party were okay…she was like a women possessed. Once she had agreed to come with me, she had decided to make cupcakes; it's what she does. I helped. I made the fondant cars that decorated every cake, and because it was a party, Caketail's signature flavour makes its appearance; white chocolate lime tequila, because _everyone_ loves tequila!

I am disturbed out of my self-induced cake coma, by Leah and Kate singing at the top of their lungs.

"Oh fuck, girls, quit it will you!" I scream, but my pleading falls on deaf ears as both Kate and Leah continue murdering some inane pop song that is so far from my musical taste it's untrue. _Fuck my life!_

Zoning out once again, I slip my flats off and throw my feet up onto the dash-board just as my phone beeps, letting me know I have a new message. It's Angie, apologizing that she took so long to reply, and that she'll be around when I get home if I need her. I tuck my phone up next to my feet, noticing that the more built-up areas are thinning out, a sure sign we are getting closer to Port Angeles and then Forks. The reassurance of Kate's hand on my shoulder helps, as the lump in my throat shows itself, _what is she a mind reader._

"How far away is this fucking place, Bella…? I've been driving for years." Leah complains.

"Shut the fuck up Leah… next left…and we're there."

"Thank God, my cupcakes won't last another one of her turns," Kate says as she pokes Leah in the shoulder.

"Fuck off!" is Leah's short, but oh so sweet response as she tears into the motel parking lot.

"Alright, you two, shut the hell up… I will check us in, wait the fuck here!"

As the woman on reception runs my credit card and then hands me our room keys, she looks like she is about to say something to me… that is, until she notices my surname; she just gives me a weak smile.

"Room 911; welcome home, Isabella."

How fucking ironic, all I can do is sneer and walk away. Someone now knows I am here; wait till this shit spreads around town, _again and w_ait until the girls get a look at our room number- they're gonna shit a brick. Walking out to the car, I hold up our key "9 fucking 1-1… do these fucking people think this is a fucking joke?" Both of my friends are bent over in hysterics; as I continue with my rant "…and I don't even know why they have a room 911, there are only a hundred rooms in this fucking place!" I bark out, getting myself in a flap.

"Don't… stress…sweetie, it's funny as fuck!" Kate is the first to break her laughter as she wipes a tear from her cheek and grabs the key. "Come on, times a ticking… what time do we have to be at the beach?"

"Party starts at 8pm, so any time after that," I replied, grabbing my bag from the trunk.

"Right, let's get started," Leah said as she opened the door to our room.

Thirty minutes later the once tidy, clean room is transformed into a walk-in wardrobe for three, with clothes piled everywhere, makeup and hair dryers covering every surface. I am sitting in front of a tiny mirror balanced on the dressing table, being dressed against my will. My hair is naturally wavy, so that's how it stays, for now, with a bit of a 'fluff,' as Kate calls it, it's done… easy. Kate finally decided on an outfit for herself, and I have tried to tell her she will freeze, but no… she's all about fashion; my_ second Alice._ I have purposely not thought about what, _or whom_, I am going to face later today, or I might back out, so in my head, it's just me and my girls getting ready for a night out.

With the music bouncing, we are getting in the mood to party, and we are already on the second bottle of wine that we brought with us. It's easy to forget I am about to see Alice, Charlie, Esme and everyone else, but I am ready for this; I am ready to spread my wings. Kate applying the finishing touches to her face; oh so perfectly, not an eye lash out-of-place. She has been ready for a while; dressed in a red knee-length, long-sleeved sweater dress with black flats, her hair is pulled back into a high ponytail… simple, yet beautiful; that girl would look amazing in a strait jacket. Leah comes dancing out of the bathroom, dressed to impress in a pair of tight-fitting white pants, a black tank top, sleek turquoise and silver jewellery, and a slim fitted cardigan.

"You girls are...wow!" is all I can say as I take a look at my super gorgeous besties.

"You're not so bad yourself Miss Bella!" Kate sings as she pulls me up from the chair.

Taking a final look in the mirror, I guess it will do. Kate has loosely pinned back my hair so it is off my face, and I have on a washed-out pair of skinny jeans, and a black and white stripped top with a piano and birds and stuff on it. Kate said it's perfect, it reflects the new me; something about me being set free. It's all teamed with my favorite black leather jacket and my old Converse.

I call for a taxi, sitting back down on the chair to think of the coming night, but I am distracted by Leah who insists on shaking her bootie in my face, and my thoughts come out loud… _whoops, guess my filter is already busted._

"Jake's gonna blow his load, girlie."

Leah spins around and stares at me like I have just slapped her. "What? Who's gonna do what with his load and why the fuck is he doing it over my ass, bitch!"

Quietly laughing to myself, I walk over to the window, then simply mutter, "Hot as fuck mechanic, babe. KATE! Don't forget your damn cupcakes!"

"Oh shit!" is all I hear from both of them as I head out the door, towards the waiting taxi.

* * *

_Here we go, Bella,_ I think to myself as the winding roads of Forks turn east and head down towards La Push beach. Leah and Kate make small talk with the driver, but I look at the scenery, realizing that I have forgotten how beautiful this place is: each road lined with forest, green on black as the trees hit the night sky. It's such a clear night; perfect for a party on the beach. We pull in to the parking lot which makes out the start of the beach; it's nearly 9pm, so most people are already here, and if the number of cars in the lot is anything to go by, then most of the town is here. And they all have a clear view of us arriving, as the surrounding area is so open; with nowhere to hide.

I recognise a few cars, as I get out of the taxi and I am flanked by my girls. Charlie is here, I see his old faithful cruiser. I notice the fleet of high-end cars parked at the far end, so my guess is that most of the Cullen's are here too: no one else drives cars like that around here._ But no silver truck…_ I think to myself, as I see Leah start dancing on the spot to the bass-heavy tunes that can be clearly heard from the huge stereo system set up on the beach.

"Come on babe, let show these people how to party with us city girls," Kate urges.

Already slightly buzzed from our pre-party drinks, I am feeling bold as I launch myself ahead of Leah and Kate and head down to the beach. Both girls race up behind me, Kate clutching onto her bloody cupcakes.

The beach looks amazing; everything is centered in front of a bonfire pit, which is not surprisingly surrounded by a group of people, its cold here by the water. Rose has done a great job, hiring caterers to set up a massive BBQ feast in the middle of a group of tables with all kinds of drinks, food and other yummy nibbles. The volley ball net is still visible in the background. We had some great times down here during the summer months, and I bet Emmett will get us playing drunken glow in the dark volleyball later.

A couple of people have noticed we are here, Charlie being the first person who catches my eye. He gives me a hesitant smile, which I return with more vigour; _start as you mean to go on Bella_, winking at my old man… _see you soon Daddy_. My eyes, however, are quickly drawn to a group of oh so familiar people; they look like they are in the middle of a heated, yet happy conversation. It is the short pixie girl who is currently staring straight at me, bouncing on the balls of her feet, that catches my attention: Alice… _Time to put the big girl panties on, Swan._

To my left, I see my Katie; she's smiling, searching at the booze I saw earlier. To my right I have a very twitchy Leah, eyes jumping all over the place; she's searching for her knight in dirty overalls; Jake.

The party that is in full swing no more than five foot in front of me, and Emmett's bellowing voice grabs my attention, even over the music, I can still hear him.

"Bella… get your fine ass over here, now!"

He is standing with Alice, Jasper, Rose, Esme and Carlisle, and as I make my way to him, he starts heading towards me, quickly. I know what's coming, so I brace myself. He reaches me then picks me up, swinging me around.

"Shit B… you lost weight? You're tiny, right let's get your skinny little ass fed…cheeseburger?" he asks. That's Em; food always comes first!

"Vodka, please," I correct him.

"That's my girl"

He still has hold of me, as he begins to carry me over to where Leah and Kate have joined the group. "Put me down, you dick!" I scream at him, beating his chest.

"God, you have been missed, Belly!" Putting me down, my feet sink into the sand, and Rose hands me a red cup of loveliness from the keg.

"Glad you could come Bella and you too, ladies," she says to the girls, who are taking in what a La Push party is all about.

"Thanks, Rose," I say as I knock back the cold beer, grabbing Caketail's finest cupcakes "here Kate made you these… the cars are all mine!"

I think Rose is kinda blown away, but so would I be Kate is super talented.

"Thanks girls these are amazing! Emmett put these on the food table babe!" Rose fires her orders at the big softie, as he eyes up a cupcake.

"Shit girls these are the bomb" he is stunned.

Getting back on with the party, I knock back some more beer.

"Slow down, young lady," a very recognisable voice calls out to me, with a hint of amusement in his tone.

"Carlisle!" I bellow as I stop chugging my beer and pull the third most important man from my past into a hug.

"Whoa, someone's glad to see you!" Esme butts into my Daddy C time.

"How have you been Bella?" Esme asked worry laced though her words.

"I am fine, honest Esme…how about you?"

"Yes… I've been good…" Esme's answer fades off, as if she dodging the elephant in the room, too afraid to bring him up with me.

"Esme… please, I am okay, you can say his name… and anyway, we are here to celebrate aren't we? Congrats, Rose and Em on your new garage…let's party!" I shout as I raise my cup in the air, and the cheer is repeated by several of the party goers.

The mixture of alcohol and fresh air must be messing with my brain, as it seems too easy to forget last five years, and let everything fall back into place, apart from the glaring obvious missing piece.

It's like my past is seamlessly fitting with my present, as my old friends mingle and have a great time with Leah and Kate. The entire harsh atmosphere from their last meeting seems to have disappeared, or maybe it's just the amount of alcohol we have all consumed. I think we have been here about an hour when a few more people turn up; one of them is Jake, and I realise he has been on a booze run. He and a couple of other guys I think I know are carrying crates of beer.

"Oh my God, look at him…" Leah has noticed Jacob, too, and so has Rose.

"Oh…yeah, Leah, I believe you have already met our mechanic…JAKE!" Rose waves her hand wildly and Jacob starts making his way over to us.

"Shit shit shit… what are you doing?" Leah panics.

I have never seen Leah so flustered, and neither has Kate, because she is watching our friend start flipping the fuck out. Jake does a double take between me and Leah; I think he remembers my crazy friend from their brief encounter a few weeks back.

"Damn, Bella Swan, in the flesh… they said you were coming, but it's been so long. I didn't really believe them… how are you doing?" I can't help but giggle at Jake as he is talking to me, but watching Leah's well-toned ass make its way towards the drinks table.

"I am great Jacob, but I'm over here!" I said laughingly, waving my hand in front of his glazed-over eyes.

"Sorry Hun, but your friend is… fucking hot!" Jacob is standing with his mouth open, tongue practically hanging out.

"Go get a drink Jacob!" rolling my eyes at the mating ritual I am watch play out in front of me.

Soon the party cranks up another notch; everyone is having a fabulous time. Leah has been flirting with Jacob for the past half an hour, and Kate has hit it off with Rose… what more could I ask for? Alice has been wary, mainly sticking by Jasper, but Emmett had just gone to get another round of drinks, she finally decided to say something. I've felt it coming for a while, but she never actually said it aloud.

"Bella… I am truly sorry, for everything. I know tonight isn't the place for it, but I would love to talk to you."

"You are right Ali, tonight isn't the place… and yes, we will have that chat, but I am a wee bit drunk. So can we just enjoy ourselves right now and get back to the heavy after tomorrow's all mighty hang over?" I slur out.

Laughing, she replied "Yep, that's okay by me, but just know I am sorry."

"Yeah…I know" I shout as I twirled around, singing along with the song coming from the sound system.

Emmett hands me another drink, but he keeps on looking over my shoulder, which of course makes me curious. I can't resist, I take a quick glance around, as a huge silver 4x4 pulls up into the parking lot. I shrug it off as we are once again joined by Rose and Kate. Leah is long gone, off somewhere with Mr Black is my guess, the slut.

Alice smiles over my shoulder; as I take another look, a tall, lean man with glasses and an open neck shirt, has gotten out of the driver's side. He is leaning over the seat, talking to whomever it is hidden behind the dark tint glass of the truck. I don't know the man, but it seems as few people around me do. Emmett is acting all kinds of strange. Even for him!

It's kinda freaking me out, as I keep on catching people giving me the eye; even Charlie is looking at me in the distance like I am about to spin out. I don't know this man… so what it to me; _Shit, maybe I need a stronger drink and maybe a cupcake? After all, I helped make those bitches!_

Lost in the heaven of beer and cake, Emmett interrupts my inner thoughts…"Don't worry baby Bell, it'll all be good…" I look at him like he has grown a second head; what the fuck is going on here? I am too drunk to care and instead of questioning Emmett, I decide to dance some more, but he is a major disruption, he's acting all odd.

I can't help but look again at Em, as he is fucking bouncing on the spot like he is off his face on crack… _Oh shit, wrong best friend… HA!_

He has actually turned into Alice, who has joined him in his crazy ass hopping. Why the crap is he so happy? Then it hits me… what would make Emmett so happy… make Charlie look so worried… why has a sudden quiet come over the area. The sound of a car door makes me jolt around, and I come face to face, once again, with Edward Fucking Cullen.

Instantly, my drunk, unfiltered brain takes over, and my first thought comes out… Loudly.

"Well, bitchtits!"

"What the fuck did she say?" Emmett snorts out.

"Suck my dick, Emmett, you cocksucker!" which only makes him laugh harder.

Looking around, the party is continuing like nothing has happened, but I guess that Edward showing up to his best friend's party really is nothing to most of these people.

Okay, so once again, I am not ready to see him; I didn't think he would be here… but I have to do this: after all, this is what I wanted… to build bridges and all that shit.

Kate is the only one of the group that looks like she has instantly sobered up, as concern is etched across her face.

"I am fine," I mouth to her. It seems to satisfy her, but the sound of muffled footsteps heading our way isn't doing anything to ease my racing heart. Alice slips away from the group and my eyes follow her, drawn to the man walking towards me. Yes, I know I am drunk, but I can still see him as clear as day. All six foot two of him, dressed in all black apart from a worn brown leather jacket and an oversized grey beanie covering his wild hair.

"Fuck me," I whisper.

"Maybe later," is murmured in my ear at the same time I also hear a hand slap the back of a head. Rose just gave Emmett an all mighty concussion... _he'll sure as hell feel THAT in the morning!_

The whole group behind me busts into laugher, and I find myself smirking at Edward… and he is smiling back at me, his old panty-dropping smile. It has the same effect that it used to, dammit.

Pulling me away, it's Rose that saves me from spontaneous combustion _a la_ Edward. "Bella, come get a drink."

"Sweetie, you seem _too_ okay with Edward being here; are you sure this is all right?" She whispered as she handed me a new drink… _Oh fuck, someone broke out the Everclear…_

"Look Rose, we are all here to celebrate your new business; we are all adults, he should be here, he is Em's best friend and I am fine: yes, shocked to see him, but I feel better than I thought I would. You know I have had a lot to think about these past few weeks, and a good friend told me that I need to decided what or who I want in life; she also told me I needed to start fighting for what I want…or something like that. So ya'know, let's do this mother fucking shit and start moving on with our lives….hey?" I don't even know what the fuck I am trying to say, but it kind of makes sense. I knock back two vodka jello shots, maybe for courage, or maybe just because I love Vodka and jello, I don't know. I feel the same burning pull coming from behind me, that I did when I was at his apartment.

"Bella, can I talk…." Guess this is where I am supposed to fight for what I want… I just kinda thought I wouldn't be all kinds of wasted for it.

"I will leave you two to it I guess," Rose says. She briefly places one hand on Edward's shoulder as she walks past him.

"Drink?" it's all I say as Edward moves to stand next to me.

"Just a Coke for me, I don't drink, but I will have one of them car cake things"

"It's a white chocolate lime tequila cupcake, you sure it's not too strong for you?" I sneer, full of sarcasm.

Rolling his eyes, Edward takes a bite… fuck me… I think I just destroyed my panties. He has frosting dripping down his chin, and shit… I want to… _OH GOD…_I bet he tastes oh so good… _crap, I sound like Leah. _Edwards eyes never leave mine. I am sure he knows what he's doing to me as he wipes the stray creamy frosting from him face and begin to lick it off his finger. _Oh what I wouldn't give to suck that finger clean, but then it wouldn't just be his finger that had frosting on it… GRRRR… down girl! _I wanna ride him like a motherfucking pony_… where the fuck… what am I thinking?_

"Shit Bella, these are good" Edward gasps out, closing his eyes in satisfaction.

"Shit, I drink…do you mind?" I whisper as I shoot back shots number three and four. _Yummy…lime!_

"No… carry on, love." Edward chuckles out.

"Look, Mr 'I look fuck hot in that leather jacket and beanie hat'…" I close my eyes just realising what I just said, "it's my choice what I do or don't do, okay?"

Holding his hands up in defeat, with a smirk Edward backs away, pulling off his beanie to reveal the most…oh God, his sex hair… I groan out loud.

"Whoa… should I put it back on and do that again?" Edward jokes.

"Fuck off, asshat." _Uh oh, Bitch Bella is alive and in the house!_

"Look Bella, I came over to tell you I am not staying long; I just got back, but I needed to wish Emmett and Rose all the best. I didn't know you would be here, and to be honest no one knew I would turn up either. But I am glad I did, you look great. I came with Garrett, he's my…well, we don't need to go into details… Bella, everything I said last time I saw you was true, but I now know, this is all your call, so if you want to talk…here." He handed me a piece of paper.

"Anytime Bella… I'll be waiting, but there's no pressure. My guess is we have both got a lot to deal with, so like I said I'll be waiting if you want. Bye babe… I mean, yeah… see ya Bella, sorry, old habits are hard to shake" A beautiful blush has appeared on his high cheekbones; from the heat, or from embarrassment, I don't know…but it makes me tingle.

I watch as Edward saunters over to his parents; Esme looks relived, and so happy. _But am I? _There's still a part of me that wants him to pay for what he did to me, watch him suffer, but then life's too short. I need to get on with mine, and Edward well who knows, but friends would be okay, wouldn't it? He's got a lot more to prove first.

Down goes shot number five, followed by six. My taste buds are obliterated, and I have no idea their flavours at this point!

Kate, Rosalie, and Alice rush over to me. All three attempt to put into words what they have just witnessed, but I cut them all off. "It's all good, girls, don't stress…maybe it's the booze talking but that was amazing, talking to him like we were friends… it's a start right?" I say all a bit cautious, who am I trying to convince?

* * *

The party continues into the early hours, with Edward spending most of his time with his parents, Jasper and Emmett, along with that Garrett person. People seem to have a lot of time for him, like he is part of the family and I have notice Kate drunkenly trying to give him the eye, that or she's have a seizure; I'm not too sure.

Me… I am just happy to be with my girls…all four of them. Oh yeah, Leah found her way back to us about fifteen minutes ago, and I don't even think she has noticed Edward. She's too busy dusting sand out of place she didn't realise she could (or should) get sand…the dirty dog.

"What did Edward give you…before…what?" Alice struggled to form a sentence.

"Just this," I said, flashing the piece of paper. Ooops, that's upside down!

"What the fuck is it?" screeched Rose, grabbing it off me. It took her two attempts. "Oh, it's his email and Facebook deets… you gonna add him, talk to him, beee his friiiieeeend!" she tries to sing out.

"I don't fuckingggg know…no… yeah… probably… fuck it, definitely, bitches!" I laugh out.

We all burst out laughing…the alcohol is really taking its toll on us.

Alice is bouncing…again. She's making me dizzy. "Do it now, and add me too, fucker! All of you!" How can such a tiny pixie be so damned loud? Everyone fumbles for their smartphones… at least two are dropped in the sand and rocks at our feet, starting off a fresh round of giggles.

Giving Alice the bitch brow, I finally get my phone; entering my passcode wrong, the heap of shit starts flashing at me. Closing one eye, the two blurry screens merge back into one, and I access my Facebook app. I already have a friend request from Alice, so this should be easy.

'Friend request accepted!" Alice's done…_one to go..._ I think to myself as I scroll for his name.

"Edwardo Cullen" I giggle to myself, _shit I really am blitzed!_ And there we have it, done. 'Friend request sent' flashes up on my screen.

I look across at Edward as he reaches into his pocket and gets out his phone; he grins as he realises what just happened. I look down at my phone, with one eye again, and see 'Notification received: Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are now friends.' Glancing again at Edward, he smiles and raises his brow at me… and I wink back at him.

"Arrr shit! I just winked." I say to no one in particular.

All five of us burst into laughter, as I realize that… shit, I need to stop drinking. _It's a good thing, Bella…you won't remember any of this in the morning! I hope._

I notice Edward saying his goodbyes to Esme and Carlisle before heading over towards us with Emmett. His friend Garrett has started to head to the 4x4, so I guess he is leaving and taking my Edward with him… _where the fuck did that come from?_ I think to myself, just as Edward is hugging Alice and Rose goodbye.

"Bye, girls see you some other time I hope," as he waves a hand towards Leah and Kate: Kate, who is so drunk I don't think she knows what planet she is on, and Leah is too busy pawing at Jake.

"See you around, Jake, if you survive!" Edward shouts over Leah's head.

Jake detangles himself from Leah with a goodbye kiss to her forehead, and he and Emmett start walking towards the parking lot to say goodbye. Edward, I am guessing, should be following, but instead he is just standing there, watching me. I think I am trying to watch him back, kinda through one eye, which throws my balance off and makes me lean a bit.

"Thanks B…" Edward says as he returns my early wink.

I am trying really hard not to sigh out loud… _don't wink at me you hot fucker…_

As Edward turns to walk away, I decide to seize the moment, _fuck it… what was it, fight for what I truly want, carp… dime…something about a fish…._

"Edward!" I shout, and he turns eagerly, looking back at me…

"Babe is fine by me!" And I salute him sloppily; he walks away, laughing quietly to himself.

God, the urge to go after him, to jump his bones is so strong, I don't know where it's all coming from. Maybe it's because I decided to fight, and not roll over and play the hurt card for once_. Or maybe it's the six vodka jello shot, dumbass!_ Leah must have noticed my need to chase and acquire because she has a firm hold on my arm.

"If you love someone, set them free… if they come back, it was meant to be," she says as I wobble around to face her.

I stare at her as if to say _what the hell!_ She has well and truly been fucked by Jacob Black, and it's made her all kinds of batshit insane. I am not the only one who is looking at her like she has been swapped out by aliens.

But then both of my best girls look at each other, and then look at me, and then both shout:

"_**But if he don't come back we will hunt him down and shoot his sorry ass!"**_

I almost pee my pants from laughing so hard. Then Rose butts in… "I agree, girls… now, come on DRINK!" as she hands around a tray of shots…

Holding my breath… we all raise our glasses to the sky and down them, shouting "and there goes number seven!" before tittering again.

And that was really the last thing I remember of Em and Rose's Grand Opening party…

* * *

**Thank you…now come on, please**

**REVIEW!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Authors note**

**Sorry for the delay, Jill has been in hospital; she has been very poorly sick… so i tried to hold out for her to get better, but she put her foot down and told me to get on with it. So a MASSIVE thanks Sarah for stepping up to the Beta plate, for this chapter. As normal I need to show my love for Jill, Charlotte and Sarah who as always are there when I need them… THANK YOU GIRLS.**

**Well obviously I don't own twilight or the characters, but I do own the plot and all Lovestrong related ramblings! This Fic is rate M for a reason: for the Motherf#*king bad language, the Mind blowing future lemons and the Mangled lives of our Bella, Edward and Mallow!**

**That's all from me... Enjoy!**

* * *

Lovestrong

Chapter 14 –What's going down, when all you want to do is throw up? 

Lying sprawled out across the queen sized bed, is unpleasant; never has the need for the cold bit of duvet been so great. I had grown my own brand of carpet between my teeth and my eyes are that tight in my head my eyelids have probably fused themselves together. The urge to chew off my arm is unbearable and it's growing stronger by the second; I am hoping for death to come grab me at any moment… it would be so welcomed.

I woke up with the world's biggest hangover, oh that and the fact I have a baby elephant making my left arm its home; it feels like I have lost the use of my whole limb. What the fuck had I been drinking? To say my memory is patchy is an understatement; don't get me wrong I can remember certain things as clear as day; like Edward Cullen, the sight of him will forever be burnt into my brain but other bits my brain has swallowed whole.

Shit… I feel nauseous… My mystery bed sharer gives me another clue to who _she_ is by whispering something about crank shafts and pistons. _Shit Leah, Jake really did do a number on you didn't he._ I think to myself as I try to focus on one of the spots that are currently flashing behind my eye lids; anything to try to stop my world tipping in on its self.

Still unable to bring myself to open my eyes, I resort to the 'one eye prayer' as I beg the hangover gods to be kind. The pounding that is happening inside my head isn't helping niether is the noise that is being made in the bathroom. With my left eye open only half the room spins, as I look towards the bathroom the door swings open, and in trots Kate; the bitch. Still with just one eye ajar, she hasn't seen that I am awake, as she continues doing god knows what the fuck, how can she be so awake; she had just as much as me last night.

"Morning sunshine."

Oh so maybe she does know I am awake.

"Fuck you Katie." I mumble.

"Come on get the fuck up, we are going to meet the girls soon." Kate shouts a little louder.

"Shhh Kate, your voice is echoing around my head." I reply, closing my eye again, just as Kate throws a cushion which misses me and hits Leah straight between the eyes.

"What the…" Leah screams as she bolts upright on the bed.

The quick rush of blood that is racing up my arm because Nellie the fucking elephant has all of a suddenly decided to move feels strange, but it's a relief. Rubbing my hands over my face I try to wake myself up, but I feel that I am fighting a losing battle; one that's only just begun. With Leah still sitting on the bed, as still as a statue next to me I decide to try to get up… this isn't going to be pretty.

_No Sudden movements,_ I think to myself as I roll out of bed. Both my feet find the cold floor and I hold on to the nightstand to steady myself. Taking a deep breath out as if I am trying to push the alcohol demons out of my body I shuffle towards the bathroom. I have sat on the toilet for ten minutes longer than necessary, too weak to move. I can't bear to look in the mirror, too scared I will look like something out of a zombie movie.

"Bella, come on you have an hour, we are meeting Rose and Alice at 9:30." Kate calls through the door.

"Yay!" is my sarcastic reaction.

Making my way slowly back to the bedroom, Leah is sitting on the end of the bed. Kate is giving her a glass of water, and she has hold of a second glass- for me. Hopefully it contains the miracle cure for death. Sitting down next to Leah, Kate hands me my glass, the fizzing of the Alka Seltzers tablets drumming the sides of the glass sound like a tornado hitting land and I begin to realise that hours of misery still lay ahead.

* * *

There are no words for the car journey to the diner, where apparently we are going to have breakfast. Which to be honest I wasn't looking forward to earlier but the longer I have been awake the more I get hungry and in times of desperation there's only one thing I want... junk food.

In my feeble attempt at a conversation I had managed to question Kate on how it is that she can be so alert and fresh at a time like this, and her only answer was she knows when to stop, and at the age of twenty-five she has mastered the art of restraint. She smugly informs us that she had stopped drinking hours before us and was completely stone cold sober by the time Charlie dropped us back at the Motel…_Ah, another piece of the puzzle._

Jumping out of the car in the diner parking lot the bright light hurts my eyes, so I pull down my Ray Bans that have been perched on top of my head along with my mass of hair that is tide into a messy bun. I am dressed for comfort; in sweats and a baggy hoodie along with my Ugg boots. Something Kate has and I am sure Alice will disapprove of but like I told Kate I really don't care. To which Kate mumbled something about Edward but again I don't care, me and my hangover are just fine all by ourselves. Anyways he said he would be here waiting, so that includes me being all sick and dying and looking a mess, right?

Leah has been very quiet on the way over here, playing with her cell; texting back and forth with someone, who I am guessing is Jake. She is really hung up on him, which is unusual for her. A quick down and dirty would normal result in her swearing off men, which usual lasts around two days. This time it just seems different… may be Jacob is going to become a permanent fixture in Leah's life. Our little trip to Forks just might have helped more than just me.

Rose and Alice are already at the diner, both nursing mugs of coffee. Rose looks a little worse than Alice who is waving oh so energetically at me from the corner booth. All I can give her is a small wave of my hand as I approach the table. Rose being Rose she is the first one to bring up last night's party.

"So girls; did you all have a good night" Rose quietly laughs.

I am keeping quiet for as long as I am allowed to. Leah's grunt is a sure sign of a great night, Kate on the other hand is as happy as ever as she goes off on a tangent about our morning.

"Oh yeah I am great but I can't say the same for these two." she waggles her finger in front of me and Leah_; I am going to bite the fucker off _if she carries on_. _Is all I can think as her finger continues to jab in my face, making me dizzy. "Miss covered in sand over there, hasn't said more than a handful of words, she's too busy texting her new fuck buddy to pay us any attention."

Even I have to say I find her dig at Leah funny, but when she turns her attention to me, my amusement goes right outta the window.

"And you" _Here we go._

"She hasn't even brought up the whole 'Edward gate' situation, and I would not be surprised if she can't remember, she drunk so much." She has now stopped wiggling her claw at me and is talking to Rose.

I just can't sit here any long and let her go on. "Whoa there Miss judgmental. No one has asked me about Edward freaking Cullen, and for your information I do remember what went down, oh and I thought we came here for some food, let's order."

"Urmm… yeah… okay then" answers Rose.

All four girls are sitting looking at the menu. I don't need to, like I said early, there only one thing I need and Fork's Diner is the perfect place to get it.

As the waitress, Jessica Stanley who if I remember right, we went to school with comes to take her order. The look on her face is one of shock; I didn't see her the last time I came back, so Bella Swan being back in Fork would be a revelation for her and unfortunately for her today is not her lucky day. I am hungover to fuck and not in the best of humors and her standing gasping at me is not making me any better. Instead of her just asking what we would like, she is just stood looking at me.

"What?" I ask her in a slightly raised voice. This doesn't only get her attention it gets the attention of the girls sat opposite me. The whole table is silent as I continue.

"Yes Jessica it is I Isabella Marie Swan, I have returned back to Forks after five years of being away. Yes I have seen Edward and yes I agree he is still fuck hot and yes I still know you want to get your claws into him, you just scream desperation. I am quite happy to have my old friends back in my life and no I have not decided what I want from Cullen so back the fuck off… oh and I will have a double cheese burger with fries and a very large black coffee." Taking a deep breath, I release all the air held in my lungs, whilst Sluty Stanley turns her back on me… _what she is doing I have not finished yet…_

"Whoa there speedy, I will also have a side salad and I don't believe you have taken my friends orders!"

"Oh yeah… sorry" Jessica shyly collects the order from the other girls.

Once she has finished and she begins hurrying away I am still sat staring at her when I realise the table has become silent. Turning my attention back to the group, I now see they are all watch me, shock clear on their faces.

"What I am hungry?" I said shrugging my shoulders. I know fully well they aren't questioning my eating habits, but are wondering where the fuck that little spurt of energy came from.

"Bwhaha! You said Marie" Sniggering, the amusement is clearly evident in Leah's response.

"Fuck off… you Fucker; you know I hate my middle fucking name"

"Someone gets angry, when hung over?" its Alice's turn to shout up from her little self-induced drunken haze.

"And dramatic." Murmurs Leah.

"Soooo… Bella are you feeling good, after last night?" Rose asks.

"Yeah, I am fine, a bit delicate but nothing I won't get over after I have eaten, and yes before you start I do remember Edwar being there actually. And yes I would do it all again, and no I am not going soft, but yes I still find him attractive." I say winking back at her. Which makes her laugh; I am not entirely sure why she laughs, that is until she answers my silent debate.

"You did a lot of winking last night, too B"

"HA!" rolling my eyes, I am about to continue but I am cut off by our food being thrown down in front of us. _Thanks Jessica._

_God this food is good; I need to eat this shit more often. _

I can't believe how quiet Alice is being. She is pre occupied with her cell; messaging someone, it's so unlike Alice to be unsociable… maybe she's just as hung-over as me. Our table is all of a sudden brought to life by four smart phones beeping. As could be predicted all of us grab our cells, and I notice Alice has tagged me in a check in on Facebook… along with all the others in our group. It's then I notice that I have a couple of other notifications so instead of going back to our conversation I get lost in Facebook. Edward is showing up on my news feed… oh so we are friends, so that happened last night and I forgot… well may be forgotten is the wrong word, more like failed to recall; _pffttt,_ _excuses, excuses_.

I could sit on Facebook forever; I am a nosey bitch. I noticed that Edwards last post was six hours ago. That wasn't long after we left the party, well apparently Edward Cullen was 'home and happy'; according to his status anyway. Whilst I have been otherwise busy I have still managed to eat half my burger; how talented am I?

"When are you girls heading home?" asks Rose.

"I have to get back to Bellevue later today, got a meeting at Caketail, with a supplier. We only brought one car so I guess we are all heading back later." Replies Kate as she looks towards me and Leah for conformation.

Lost in my own thoughts, I sigh out loud, _whoops_; how can I go home now, when I have so much unfinished business. Edward Cullen just played a massive head fuck on my brain, he is waiting for me; and then there's Charlie. He was obviously trying to make an effort, I need to stay. How the hell am I going to do that though? My car is the only one here and so when Kate and Leah go back to Bellevue I will have no way of getting home. Remembering back to Angela's advice a few days ago 'fight for what you want' it's the one sentence that has stuck with me for the last week. Five years ago I didn't fight; I rolled over to easily… I let him walk away. This time it's going to be on my terms. I want back what's mine, but Edward Cullen is gonna have to start fighting for what he wants too because I need to know that he thinks I am really worth all the effort, and he need to win back my trust.

Looking up I realise all my girls; new and old are getting along great. Rose has noticed I have been somewhere else though. As the scene in front of me plays out everyone, except Rose is unaware that Bella Swan as just decided that being in Forks is more important than anything else at the moment. Yes I will go back to Bellevue; just not before I have spoken to both the men that I hold so close to my heart. Rose doesn't say anything she just smiles at me. She knows what I want, without even me having to say the actual words. She has always known, it was obvious to her even from the first time we were here, in the diner.

Putting my cell down on the table I return back to the conversation. Rose is really excited about the garage opening, which is happening a week from today; next Monday. Kate is thriving off Rose's success buzz as she tells Alice and Rosalie that she is looking for a new premises for Caketail and that her cake empire is about to go boom!

Rose is a sneaky bitch; she had me distracted and now she is taking a big old looksie at my iPhone; where my Facebook page is still open on Edwards profile. I throw a massive dig in her ribs with my elbow as I push the lock button at the top of my cell… nosy cow, _I_ _must remember to auto lock that heap of junk. _I think to myself as Rose is whispering to Alice that I have been cyber stalking her brother. Raising an eyebrow at me Alice picks up her cell, to more than likely have a look at what had me so intrigued.

"Shit this food is good." Leah pipes up from the corner.

"Yeah we always head over here, after a big night out." Alice agrees with a mouth full of fries.

"Talking of nights out, we still on for Seattle this weekend?" questions Kate.

"Ohhh Seattle it's been a while since we have been out in town." Rose replies doing a little dance in her seat.

"Fuck girls, you have to join us, we try to party in Seattle at least once a month. We tear that shit up." its Leah's turn to get excited. "What do you think B?"

"Urmmm… yeah… god you girls should come with us." To be truthful I am a bit like… whoa… but maybe it's what we all need to move on.

"Yay! You two can come stay with us in our regular hotel, I will text you the address okay Rose?" Kate asks.

"Yep… perfect, we can head up on Thursday. Ally and I can do some shopping on Friday before you girls arrive." Rose claps her hands.

_Oh what have I gotten myself into…this could get interesting?_ I think to myself, as Rosalie and Alice plan their trip, in to my territory.

"Bella, why don't you stay a few more days in Forks? You know, reconnect with Charlie?" Rose throws me a lifeline, an excuse to stay.

"Oh… urmm yeah, that sounds good, I will see if I can bunk up at Dads." what the hell am I doing?

"Don't be stupid, come stay with me and Emmett, I know he would be thrilled to have you around and then you could come to Seattle with me and Alice on Thursday"

"Sounds like a plan"

* * *

Still nursing my hangover and the plate of left over fries our conversation has turned to Leah and her antics with the lovely Mr. Black. Three out of the four of my friend are amusingly discussing Leah's not so private dirt feast that happened last night. Alice however is once again staring at her cell, but this time she has a stupid grin on her face. _What the hell is up with her?_ Still with that god awful smile plastered on her face, her eyes keep going from me to my cell; she looks likes she about to have a fucking seizure.

I am quite happy just sitting here, when Jessica comes back over and asks if we want any more drinks. She can't even make eye contact with me… chicken shit; Rose takes the words right out of my mouth as she harshly re-orders another round of coffee for us.

As the freshly brewed coffees are placed in the middle of our table the mood turns serious, with Rosalie questioning me about Charlie. Not once does she mention Edward, why do I get the feeling she has passed that little issue to someone else? Blurring out Roses drabble, I focus on the sugar as it rushes out of the container. I stir the white powder in to my coffee and answer Rose.

"He… I will go see him later, I need to speak to him, and at the end of the day he is my dad… I can't turn my back on him, shit we have all made mistakes, right?" My arms become itchy under my hoodie; it's so strange how my body is in tune with my thoughts. My own mistakes are visible for me and everyone else to see. I ease the itch by rubbing my skin through my sleeve I carry on, not sure if I actually need to scratch or its all in my head. "Shit, my mistakes will always be with me, but I can help Charlie with his… my forgiveness will help…"

Kate reaches across the table, she is trying to help, but I am fine. "You know B when he dropped us back at motel last night; he invited you for dinner this evening… personally I thing you should take him up on his offer." Kate again oh so subtly points out Charlie is trying.

"Yeah I remember…I will call him" I lie. Not about calling him, because I will, but for the life of me I can't recall him inviting me over.

Alice is sipping at her steaming hot mug of coffee, whilst at the same time looking at me over the top of said mug. She is so distracting. I have had enough.

"Alice will you fucking stop with the eye movements you're making me feel sick." I blurt out.

"Sorry Bella, but I am just… it does not matter." Alice mumbles backs.

"What is up with…" my interrogation of Alice is interrupted by my cell beeping, looking down at the screen I have a notification; it's PM from Edward:

**I will wait forever to make things right Bella; you know where I am when you're ready.** **All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.**

**Edward xxx**

_Fuck me has he been channelling Angela or freaking Walt Disney_. I think to myself as I briefly close my eyes, the smile replaces the stunned expression that was on my face. I didn't expect him to contact me so soon. Do I follow my heart? Or my head? Automatically I look up at Alice, because I have a sneaky suspicion she has something to do with this. She is still watching me and if I didn't know any better I would say she is about to cry… but it would be for a good reason this time, _I hope_.

_Let's do this Bella; it's time to fight…_

So instead of messaging him back, I make my decision public, well to the people close to me they would know… I set my status.

**I hear the town park is a good place to start… race ya!**

My sudden change of mood hasn't gone unnoticed but no one wants to bring it up, as I see both Rose and Kate pick up their cell. Is it that obvious, the reason for my smile?

My cell beeps back to life, three new notifications, Alice Cullen likes your status, Rosalie Hale commented on your status… Ready, steady, GO!

Looking towards Rose she nods her head, only adding to what I already know… this is the right thing to do; it should be me making the first move.

And there is also another PM from Edward.

**Really Swan, a race… well I hope you can walk straight after last night, because I am on my way… hurry the diners not that far away… you might still win! Oh and Bella my courage is endless how about yours?**

Now I know Alice has something to do with all this, because how does Edward know where I am… _the devious little pixie bitch._

The smell of coffee floods my senses and replaces all of my in differences, before I know what I am doing the diner chair I am sitting on scrapes across the black and white checked linoleum flooring. It's like my whole world has woken up as I once again get ready to face Edward, my hangover forgotten…

"Girls, I will be back… I have a swing waiting with my name on it."

* * *

**Thank you!**

**Now you know what to do… REVIEW!**

**Oh yeah and come back next week, for double POV. You we finally get what you've been waiting for!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Authors note**

**As normal I need to show my love for Jill, Charlotte and Sarah who as always are there when I need them… THANK YOU GIRLS.**

**Well obviously I don't own twilight or the characters, but I do own the plot and all Lovestrong related ramblings! This Fic is rate M for a reason: for the Motherf#*king bad language, the Mind blowing future lemons and the Mangled lives of our Bella, Edward and Mallow!**

**That's all from me... Enjoy!**

* * *

Lovestrong

Chapter 15 – I will wait for you

BPOV

I know it all seems rushed, but it's not… well, not really. Subconsciously, I have known all along that this is what I needed to do; the last time we had it out I was hell-bent on revenge, and not thinking about what I truly wanted; now it's different. It just took a few words of advice from a dear friend and confidant to help me get me to this point.

My frantic place slows, knowing the town park is only a short stroll from here: it's a strategic move on my part, meeting on neutral ground. I could have suggested the park near his apartment; after all, it does hold some memories for us. Then he would have a place to run if; no scrap that… _when_ things get difficult. And to be honest, the walk to the town's park will be long enough for me to clear the rest of this hangover.

So walking down Main Street in Forks, I take my time. I don't want to beat him there… like he's already told me he was on his way, and my dear Mr. Cullen still has a lot to prove. Yes, I want him. Yes, I WILL once again stand next to the man I truly love as his equal.

_I hope_.

In the back of my mind of course I still remember that he was the one who left me, even if it was for what he thought was my own good. It's time to make Eddie boy pay for his mistakes, and after all, he did say he would do anything… _right?_

I will give him his chance.

The park in Forks is like nothing you would expect, since the town its self looks like it was just dumped here in the middle of nowhere, but the park is beautiful, it somehow belongs here. I guess it's more like a forest clearing, filled with lilac and white wild flowers; a well-placed piece of heaven among the trees but I guess since this is Forks, all they know is trees. Large wrought iron gates mark the boundaries; dividing town and countryside; with a winding path that leads through a sparse grouping of trees. That opens up onto a children's play area, which used to be a regular spot for us to meet. _Yes, we had a thing for parks._

As I reach the top of the slight hill I hang back, wondering if Edward is already here. He has more than likely driven in his truck so he will be at the other end of the park, where the parking lot is. And yeah just like he said he would, he has beaten me here. He looks good… better than I do.

"Shit" I whisper to myself, as I try to straighten out my very casual joggers and hoodie… _Why didn't I listen to Kate? Oh my god, my hair! _I have completely forgotten that I am rocking the au natural – post hangover look. I shouldn't worry, since there is no one else around. Edward is the only person I can see, sitting on one of the many swings. He is dressed in black joggers, very casual also… _we match… _but he looks hot, and I just look a hot mess.

I must learn to pay more attention instead of going off hair-brained, in my own little world, because Edward is playing with his phone; _oh, let the games begin_.

Pulling out my cell, I bring up Facebook… logging in to my private messages, I send Edward a message…

'**So you did beat me I see!'**

Edward receives the message immediately; his eyes dart up to look around, and the corner of his mouth rises up into a lopsided smirk. I stay hidden as Edward's reply appears in front of me.

'**I don't like to lose Isabella, come out come out… wherever you are! x'**

He is so confident, it makes me dizzy; it has always been such a turn on. A bossy Edward Cullen always did get the girl's panties in a twist. Even though so much as happened between us, the Edward that is here and the one that was at Rose's party- is starting to have a real impact on me, just like he always did. I take a massive breath in, and it's show time.

He is still looking around the vast park as I reach the highest point of the hill and start my faster than normal walk down towards him. My eyes bore into him, holding him in place, scared that he may just disappear. The butterflies in my stomach are getting worse as his eyes meet mine; an uneasy smile manifests itself on his face, like he is not sure whether to be happy or worried. Looking down towards him I can't help but nervously return the smile. I am about to tell Edward about the last five years of my life, and I am hoping he will also open up to me It's what we both need to be able to move forward. _Convincing yourself… much!_

As I walk through the small gate that separates the play equipment from the trees, Edwards stands and motions me to take his place on the swing. Giving him a small nod I silently accept the gesture. It's a long-standing tradition… it would be rude not to take him up on his offer.

I can sense him grabbing for the swing as I sit, I feel a tug on the chains that connect the seat to the frame, and I know what he is about to do. Holding on tight, the swing is brought backwards as if he is going to push me, but instead of letting go and allowing the motion to start my swinging, he holds the seat in place and I feel his breath on the back of my neck.

"Bella…" he whispers.

The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as he releases the swing and I go flying. I am lost in a memory.

After what seems like forever, but in reality is probably no more than two minutes, I have to break the silence. We came here to talk, after all and skirting around the issue isn't going to avoid the inevitable. Edward must have the same thought as he once again grabs for the chains of the swing. But instead of the metal he touches my hands, and the sensation of us joining sends a chill up my spine. I skid the swing to a halt with my heels and spin my head around to see him… _talk about déjà vu. _This happened last time we met_; calm Bella. _

"Edward… I… you should… we need to talk."

"Yeah, you're right… shall we?" Edward answers as he waves to an empty spot of grass behind us.

Hearing his voice makes me vibrate_, what I wouldn't give to hear that sound every morning… and night for that matter._

* * *

Settling down on the grass, there is no more uncomfortable silence, for which I am grateful.

"How are you, Bella? How have you been?" questions Edward.

"I am good, thanks, things seem a lot brighter than they did last time I was here… but this everlasting head ache is a killer!" I can't help but whine, _a little humour helps in these situations. _I think to myself.

Laughing quietly to himself Edward mumbled something that I think sounded like 'self-inflicted', but I am not sure. I don't think I was meant to hear him. Once again silence sets in but I know it's me who needs to be the one that breaks the ice, because if I am to bare my soul to Edward, it has to be on my terms.

"Last night you said something about waiting for me to be ready. Did you mean that… you're going to wait for me?" I say repeating my question twice, just to make sure he understands what I am asking.

"Yes, I did, B… when you left my apartment that day, I haven't been around… Urmm I mean, I had to get away. Garrett, the guy I was with last night, I told you he is my counsellor, right? In any case when you left it was a massive blow… I was fucking deluded. I thought we would see each other and things would magically go back to how they were when we were younger… We're here to be honest right?"

Nodding, I stay quiet, letting him finish what he started.

"It crushed me, Bella… I don't know what you actually know, but along with the drug use I fight with depression and anxiety… or maybe that is part of the reason for my drug use. I hid it for so long, but not anymore. It's suffocating, when it grabs hold of me, it swallows me whole. I go into a trance like state, almost catatonic. Don't get me wrong, it's pretty well-managed now, and I know the warning signs but in times of pressure the only thing I can think about is drugs… it's an uneasy circle. Drugs…they make me numb, mask the depression and I would use them to forget. Just, sometimes the relief isn't easy to achieve, the hopelessness sometime takes a hold, it gets so bad I… I can't stop myself."

Edward pauses, it's obvious this is hard for him, and he never wanted me to know about any of this: in his mind, he left me to protect me… _yeah, fucked up, I know_.

So I try to change the subject, focusing on where he went instead of the whole drug use and overdose issues. We will have to speak about it someday, if not today but it's bound to be easier for him if we do it in steps.

"So where did you go… did it help?"

"Shit Bella… it helped so much. I wasn't up for it at first but Garrett insisted. I would never tell him this, but he was right… that place, it is amazing, and we have to go…. Oh god… shit… sorry. I mean if things ever work out between us we- you need to see this place."

Edward is clearly flustered by the slip, after all it's the first time in five years we have sat down and talked, without it ending in a mess. By me doing this, am I getting his hopes up? I mean I said I wanted to try, but we both have so much unfinished business together and apart… things need to go slow.

"Sorry Bella… I didn't mean to assume you would ever come to The Retreat with me…" His flushed face is cuter than I remember… and hot. I have to cut him off before I get myself in trouble and before my heart beats outta my chest.

"Where was this place?"

"Oh, it's just outside Seattle, a privately run facility where they focus on alternative therapies. I didn't really care for the duty doctor, she was a bit abrupt but she made me focus on other things, not just my mental health, her name was Doctor…"

_Shit… I am so screwed. _I think to myself before I beat Edward to his answer.

"…Webber!" I cut Edward off. The looks on his face is priceless, he is wondering how the hell I know the doctor's name."

"Yeah…" he trails off; his brows knit together, the puzzled look clearly visible on his face. "How did you know I was going to say Dr. Webber?"

"Let's just say me and Angela Webber have a history."

"Shit B… she's your?"

Before Edward can say the word I again cut him off, nodding my head, answering his question. "She is…" I murmur.

"The sneaky little fucker… no wonder she wanted me to fight, she already knew!" My response is so quiet, it's not really for Edward, it's more a confirmation to me that we have been played by Angie like a good game of chess. _We will be having word, the two of us!_

Edward looks like he is about to die. It's now his turn to look like his heart's about to beat out of his chest, at least for me it was for a good, _oh so good… _reason.

"Oh shit… Edward she has never told me anything about you, I didn't even know she knew you. God I mean she's not even really my counsellor anymore, and I see her more as a friend." _Now it's my turn to start explaining_… I think to myself as I carry on.

"Angela; Dr. Webber was my therapist after I realised I needed help… she knows it all Edward, what I did, what you did… how I felt. I have seen her for years, but more recently our appointments have been so few and far between. I hadn't been to her office for ages; that was until I left Forks a few weeks ago".

I haven't realised I have picked at the flowers under my knee, so determined to keep my hands busy; until now; I have been so lost in the past. Looking up at Edward, his eyes are willing me to continue, to not break our connection.

"When I went back to Bellevue I was lost, Edward… I thought that when I went home that would finally be it- closure. But it wasn't like that at all… I felt like I had lost a limb. Seeing you again, it opened up some old wounds." Rolling my eyes I wonder if Edward gets the double meaning behind that sentence.

The pleading look has morphed into one of concern. His face gave his thoughts away. _We're on the same wave length._

"I would never harm myself again, if that's what you are thinking. I was in a pretty bad place five years ago. I don't want this to sound vindictive, but we are still being honest, right?"

I carry on without giving Edward a chance to stop me.

"When you left me, without giving me a reason, you took my heart with you. You were it for me… without you I felt misplaced, like I didn't belong in this world. Believe me, Edward; none of my cuts were made as a way to end my life, they were a way to release the pain. I cried so much back then, and the hurt had nowhere else to go…it boiled up inside me, cutting myself; it made me feel okay. It wasn't until a year or so after, with the help of Dr. Webber and the girls, I began to understand that the blood my self-harm produced was a visible sign for me. I could see the pain physically leaving my body."

I didn't even realise I was crying until I wiped a single tear from my cheek. _Stay strong Bella… just breathe._

Staring Edward straight in the eye, I pulled back my hoodie sleeves…

"I don't show my arms to anyone, but I need you to see them; please believe me this a big thing for me. My scars are there for a reason, and if we never address them then we will never move forward… which I… I want to do."

Edward looks like the air had been knocked out of him- I don't think he ever expected me to tell him I want to move on with our lives.

"Bella I…" Edward can't find the words. So I take the opportunity to finish what I needed to say, because if I stop…it may never come out. The lump in my throat is already forcing itself up higher. If I don't get my emotions in check, it's going to show in my voice and I am not here to get upset: we are here to mend.

"Edward, please let me finish. I know you had your reasons for doing what you did, and I hope you will let me know some of your whys and how's, but please look at me, because I need you to…"

Edwards's eyes lock with mine; his beautiful eyes search my soul, pleading with me not to make him face the constant reminder of his fuck up.

"Please, I meant my arms… please, look!" I beg him.

His eyes drop to my arm, and I can see him frown; I am sure he's not shying away from me but from what my scars are, what they remind us both of: they are physical proof of the last painful five years. His stare returns to my face as his fingers brush against my wrist, giving me a look, pleading with me; asking for my permission to continue. I take a deep gulp, and I blink as if to give him my silent answer.

He gently takes hold of my arm, and a familiar warm tingle shoots up my arm. It's him; our connection is still the same, he still makes my skin come alive. Before I realise what he is doing, he raises my arm up to his face and breathes in deep: he is taking me in, remembering. He then shocks the hell out of me by peppering gentle kisses across my scars; I feel a silent sob rock his body as he whispers into my skin.

"Sorry… I am so sorry, Baby".

* * *

EPOV

She wanted me to look at her arms, to face what I did to her. It's the one thing I didn't want to do. I would have done anything else she asked, but I didn't want to face that. Five years ago I had single handily destroyed the only person I truly cared about, and she was now sitting in front of me, begging me to look at the battle scars from her destruction.

The sight before me is harder to see than I ever expected it to be; her forearms are covered in very neat silvery white lines, faded over time; but to me they are new. Bella gives me a silent sign; I am okay to continue. Without even realising what I am doing, as if on impulse I cover her arm in tiny kisses. My apology was meant to be silent, not for her to hear.

My thoughts come out in breathless whisper; I can feel Bella's head loll forward.

"Edward… it's, it's fine. I'm okay."

"No, how can you say that, Bella… look what I did to you! How can you even say it's okay…? I am a fucking monster."

I can't move, my eyes are glued to her arms, in shock. Then she surprises me once again.

"You are not a monster… you fucked up, yes… but you were fighting your own demons, Edward. Look at me!" I hear the plea in Bella's voice.

"Do you know what, Cullen? I spent the best part of a year doing this to myself. I could have stopped, you know, but I didn't. I knew it was wrong to hurt myself. But you know I couldn't open up to people, to anyone. Kate was the first person to show an interest in me. I didn't want to upset her. I didn't want the embarrassment, the shame of trying to explain a behavior that I, myself, struggled to understand. And the main reason I didn't speak to anyone was that… I didn't want anybody to stop me." She seemed to need a moment to pull herself together after revealing that little gem… and to tell you the truth; so did I.

Both of us sat in silence, not knowing what to say. I know she is waiting for me to explain some things; I can't expect her to open up and not return the favor.

"I know I shouldn't be so worried about talking to you Bella, but this is hard for me… I was so fucking ashamed of what I had become. You were good for me, the best. Looking back now, I know I should have just let Charlie arrest me; maybe things wouldn't have gotten as bad as they did. Maybe I would have never lost…you." _Shoulda… woulda… coulda!_

I can feel my emotions bubble up in the pit of my stomach; I can feel the anxiety rising up to choke me.

"Bella, I am so sorry. You didn't deserve everything I did to you. I mean I should have spoken to you, explained what was going on. Even before Charlie brought you up, it did cross my mind you know… to let you go. I didn't deserve you. I tried to end our relationship...but how could I? How could I possibly live without you? That's when all hell broke loose. Charlie found me, shit Bella… I will spare you the details, but in the end I didn't care, it didn't matter what drug it was, I just wanted to feel different…better. We were the same you know? I didn't ever set out to kill myself… but as time went on my tolerance increased; I had to take more and more. There was no way out: you were gone, life was bad; I hit rock bottom."

I realized that I still have hold of Bella's hand, holding on tight, scared she might run. Looking down at our joined hands, I can't help but think this is how it should have always been, me and her against the world.

"You know when I was in rehab, you were there every step of the way; everywhere I turned, and something or someone reminded me of you. It's ironic- the marks on your arms remind you of what you've been though. Just like you, I use my arms to remind me of the past."

Rolling up my sleeve I show Bella my nautical star tattoo, my constant reminder of my time in rehab- the time I started to live for me and not for drugs.

"That's beautiful, Edward." Bella says as she delicately rubs circles into my skin. Our contact is intense, as even the smallest of touches sends my nerve endings tingling. She has always had this effect on me… and now after so long, to be able to feel her touch again is incredible.

"Like I said, you were everywhere; in rehab, I would talk to the stars. Pretend they were you, my family, anyone I cared about, I was able to talk, without being judged. It's hard to explain, but looking at the stars was a release from the strain rehab put me under; the withdrawals were agonizing, they made my skin crawl. Focusing on something … anything was enough. The blue and green ribbons… well that easier to explain, they are for you and Esme. Blue for you and green for Mom: both of you were, and still are so important to me. Both of you are wound so far into my soul it is unreal; it's like you run in my veins."

I can't help but chuckle to myself as I notice the similarities to my drug use.

"Just like drugs, you mean?" Bella sarcasm knows no bounds.

"Get outta my head…" I whisper back.

* * *

Bella is starting to become restless, and I know how she feels… this shit is heavy, and we have spoken about it all nonstop for a couple of hours. I am so grateful she has given me this time. Bella's cell beeps in her pocket- glancing down, she reads a message. I can't place the look on her face. I am undecided, I can't decide whether she is happy for the distraction, or sad our time together is coming to an end… _for now,_ I think to myself as Bella interrupts my thoughts.

"Edward, I need to get back… I am staying at Rose and Emmett's for a couple of days, but… can I see you again, before I head back to Bellevue? I have a few things to speak to Charlie about, but I want to see you again," Bella asks.

"Of course B… like I said, anytime- I want to make things right between us. Now that you have my number, email and Facebook, so there is no reason for us not to talk more. Hey, and you know what Bella? I will prove to you how much I want to be with you… just you wait and see!" The slight smile I get in return makes the stress of the last few hours' worth it…

"Right, I am gonna get going," Bella says as she stands. Stretching her arms above her head, I get a glimpse of her milky skin just above the waistband of her joggers. _What I wouldn't give to sink my fingers into her flesh. _I stay still as my thoughts clear; I can't let her go like this. I have to let her know my intentions, that I will not let her go as easily this time. She has turned to walk away from me. _Do it, Edward!_ My inner self is screaming at the top of his lungs, FIGHT!

"Oh and Bella… I know I have said this before, but I will wait forever for you." _Do it!_

"I… I love you, I always have, I always will… and I promise before this is all over I will make you see I am worthy, for you to be able to love me again."

Bella looks over her shoulder, and I am met by a smile that lights up her whole face.

"See ya soon, Cullen." She fires back with a wink.

Her short but very satisfying response is enough, or so I thought; that it was. That is until she takes another few steps away from me; turning quickly she looks at me again. It's like in that spilt second she has decided, what she wants.

"Oh and Edward? I have never stopped, babe."

And with that, I am stunned.

She just made this the most enjoyable chase… ever.

* * *

**Thank you…**

**Now you know what to do… REVIEW!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Authors note**

**Now I know it been a month, but with Christmas and all I was really busy at home... and if the holidays are not a time for family then I don't know when is... right? Forgive me for the delay?**

**Now I promise normal service will resume...**

**As normal I need to show my love for Jill, Charlotte and Sarah who as always are there when I need them… THANK YOU GIRLS.**

**Well obviously I don't own twilight or the characters, but I do own the plot and all Lovestrong related ramblings! This Fic is rate M for a reason: for the Motherf#*king bad language, the Mind blowing future lemons and the Mangled lives of our Bella, Edward and Mallow!**

**That's all from me... Enjoy!**

* * *

Lovestrong

Chapter 16- Hooked again.

_Previously…_

**Our beloved couple met and Bella had a lot to say and it went a little something like this;**

"_I don't show my arms to anyone, but I need you to see them; please believe me this a big thing for me. My scars are there for a reason, and if we never address them then we will never move forward… which I… I want to do."_

_Edward looks like the air had been knocked out of him- I don't think he ever expected me to tell him I want to move on with our lives._

"_Bella I…" Edward can't find the words. So I take the opportunity to finish what I needed to say, because if I stop…it may never come out. The lump in my throat is already forcing itself up higher. If I don't get my emotions in check, it's going to show in my voice and I am not here to get upset: we are here to mend._

"_Edward, please let me finish. I know you had your reasons for doing what you did, and I hope you will let me know some of your whys and hows, but please look at me, because I need you to…"_

_Edwards's eyes lock with mine; his beautiful eyes search my soul, pleading with me not to make him face the constant reminder of his fuck up._

"_Please, I meant my arms… please, look!" I beg him._

_His eyes drop to my arm, and I can see him frown; I am sure he's not shying away from me but from what my scars are, what they remind us both of: they are physical proof of the last painful five years. His stare returns to my face as his fingers brush against my wrist, giving me a look, pleading with me; asking for my permission to continue. I take a deep gulp, and I blink as if to give him my silent answer._

_He gently takes hold of my arm, and a familiar warm tingle shoots up my arm. It's him; our connection is still the same, he still makes my skin come alive. Before I realise what he is doing, he raises my arm up to his face and breathes in deep: he is taking me in, remembering. He then shocks the hell out of me by peppering gentle kisses across my scars; I feel a silent sob rock his body as he whispers into my skin._

"_Sorry… I am so sorry, Baby"._

**But if you remember correctly Edward had his fair share to add too;**

"_Bella, I am so sorry. You didn't deserve everything I did to you. I mean I should have spoken to you, explained what was going on__. Even before Charlie brought you up, it did cross my mind you know… to let you go. I didn't deserve you. I tried to end our relationship...but how could I? How could I possibly live without you? That's when all hell broke loose. Charlie found me, shit Bella… I will spare you the details, but __in the end I didn't care, __it didn't matter what drug it was, I just wanted to feel different…better. We were the same you know? I didn't ever set out to kill myself… but as time went on my tolerance increased; I had to take more and more. There was no way out: you were gone, life was bad; I hit rock bottom."_

_I realized that I still have hold of Bella's hand, holding on tight, scared she might run. Looking down at our joined hands, I can't help but think this is how it should have always been, me and her against the world. _

"_You know when I was in rehab, you were there every step of the way; everywhere I turned, and something or someone reminded me of you. It's ironic- the marks on your arms remind you of what you've been though. Just like you, I use my arms to remind me of the past."_

_Rolling up my sleeve I show Bella my nautical star tattoo, my constant reminder of my time in rehab- the time I started to live for me and not for drugs._

"_That's beautiful, Edward." Bella says as she delicately rubs circles into my skin. Our contact is intense, as even the smallest of touches sends my nerve endings tingling. She has always had this effect on me… and now after so long, to be able to feel her touch again is incredible._

"_Like I said, you were everywhere; in rehab, I would talk to the stars. Pretend they were you, my family, anyone I cared about, I was able to talk, without being judged. It's hard to explain, but looking at the stars was a release from the strain rehab put me under; the withdrawals were agonizing, they made my skin crawl. Focusing on something … anything was enough. The blue and green ribbons… well that easier to explain, they are for you and Esme. Blue for you and green for Mom: both of you were, and still are so important to me. Both of you are wound so far into my soul it is unreal; it's like you run in my veins."_

_I can't help but chuckle to myself as I notice the similarities to my drug use._

"_Just like drugs, you mean?" Bella sarcasm knows no bounds._

"_Get outta my head…" I whisper back._

"_Oh and Bella… I know I have said this before, but I will wait forever for you." Do it! _

"_I… I love you, I always have, I always will… and I promise before this is all over I will make you see I am worthy, for you to be able to love me again."_

_Bella looks over her shoulder, and I am met by a smile that lights up her whole face. _

"_See ya soon, Cullen." She fires back with a wink._

_Her short but very satisfying response is enough, or so I thought; that it was. That is until she takes another few steps away from me; turning quickly she looks at me again. It's like in that spilt second she has decided, what she wants._

"_Oh and Edward? I have never stopped, babe." _

_And with that, I am left stunned._

_She just made this the most enjoyable chase… ever._

* * *

Rose always did have impeccable timing. Here I was, sitting in front of Edward, pouring my heart out- possibly more than I had ever planned and she sends me a message telling me she and the girls are heading back to the motel and Alice will come pick me back up from the diner. _Talk about timing._

Walking away from Edward feels liberating, like it's my turn to make him wonder what the hell is going on; in a way, that's what I want. He needs to learn that all of this is on my terms. Taking a quick glance over my shoulder, I see he is still sitting in the same place just staring at me. _Maybe he is getting the idea that he is not in charge here, _I think to myself as I pull my phone out and call Rose to tell her to have Alice come get me.

"Hey Rosie!" I eagerly scream at a very taken-aback Rosalie.

"Shit. Someone's in a good mood!"

"Yeah, I am great… can you get Alice to meet me at the diner, I am on my way there now." I am walking along at a pretty brisk rate, it shouldn't take me long.

"So, how did it go?" questions Rose.

"Yeah… urmm yeah, it was… good?"

Rose doesn't respond but quiet laughter can be heard across the line at my answer.

"ALICE! Go pick up Isabella from the diner, will you?" I hear Rose holler to Alice.

I hear a muffled reply and then a door slam. Laughing, Rose advised me, "She's on her way, B."

"Thanks babe, see you soon."

Hanging up the call, I pocket my cell as I hit the pavements of Forks' town centre. As I make my way to the diner, my mind replays my time with Edward on loop. The spark is still there, which was a shock to be honest: after all we have been through, I wasn't sure I would be able to feel my connection to him again, but after spending even the smallest amount of time with him, I realize that it's always been there and I really doubt it's going away any time soon. I remember our 'spark', even from the first day I met him.

**When Bella first arrived in Forks:**

_Wet and Cold… that's the only thing I think about this place. Charlie- my Dad thought it would be a good idea for me to get back into a routine as soon as possible, so here I am about to enter Forks High exactly 34 hours after I landed at SeaTac airport. I have been trying to tell Charlie that I am not ready for this: After all, I am fourteen years old, I have just buried my mother and he wants to throw me in at the deep end. Charlie has spent the last ten days with me in Florida arranging Mom's funeral and settling her affairs. We didn't have much to do, as she had taken care of most of it before she passed; I mean she has had months to prepare for it. Phil, my step dad, was a wreck: he was heartbroken. A part of me wanted to stay in Florida, but I couldn't: I was only fourteen and Charlie was now my only living blood relative, and it's what my Mom wanted; she wanted me to build a relationship with my Dad. I come here every school break but I guess it's not the same… not really. _

_So, here I am heading in to my first day in a new town and a new school, but at least I did know a few people… namely Jacob Black and Alice Cullen. Apparently, Alice would be in my classes at school. The whole day has been crappy; it's been boring to be honest. Well, that was until I walked into the cafeteria at lunch time, and I was introduced to Alice's 'family' as she called them… now, we are both only teenagers, but man, I am sure that girl should be about thirty, she is so confident! _

_Alice has brother. And oh my God, he is beautiful._

_Standing a good foot taller than me, he introduces himself as Edward, and my knees go weak. Alice then introduces me to the rest of the group, but I have a one-track mind and it's all focused on the boy of my dreams. As the lunch bell rings everyone stands and makes their way to their next class. Edward taps my arm as he walks past, his way of saying 'see ya later', and as he does I feel it… a current runs up my arm, jolting both of us around to look at one another. We stay glued together, wondering what the hell is going on. It's only when Emmett punches his best friend in the arm that our connection is broken… and that was the first time I 'sparked' with Edward Cullen._

Nothing beats getting heaved out of a past memory by Alice Cullen herself pulling into the diner parking lot, all tires screeching and music pumping.

Shaking my head to clear it, I smile to myself and walk toward the car. Alice, complete with Gucci sunglasses, has pushed open the door and is in the process of removing her junk from the passenger seat.

"Hey B!"

"Hello," I reply as I quickly secure my safety belt; Oh shit, Alice Cullen is behind the wheel of a car. I forgot how scary that is!

Our short journey to the motel was thankfully, just that, as Alice keeps looking over at me from behind her glasses; it's so obvious she is dying to ask me something.

"So Bella, how did it go… you and Edward, I mean?"

I sit there for a minute or so, trying to find a word that can sum up how I feel: it's a strange feeling, I know I will go back and forth between different feelings but at this moment I feel…

"Eager," I blurt out.

"What… Oh shit, sorry Bella, I shouldn't rush you!"

"No… sorry Alice, not you: me. I am eager to move on, we have a long road ahead, and that brother of yours needs to amaze me again… but I am eager for him to begin. For the first time in ages I am excited to move forward!" I can't help but smile.

Pulling into the motel parking lot, Alice is vibrating on her seat- _fuck, she as excited as me,_ I think to myself. Just as I am about to get out of the car, Alice grabs my arm. I turn and look at her… the glasses are off, so she must be serious.

"Before we head in, I need to say something, Bella. I am sorry."

"No, Alice stop… please."

"Please, let me get this out and then I will drop it. I am so sorry for forcing you into this, all of it. I realised after you left Forks the last time, and well when Edward went away, that I fucked up. I just don't know how I can ever tell you how sorry I am!" Alice sobs out.

"Alice… I came back here to right a few of my issues, so let's just forget it please. You're one of the things from the past I can forgive and forget about. Edward and my Dad, well, I have to go back and fix a few things but with you, we can forget it and start again. Yes, you did mess up, but in a way I needed it. I was stuck in the past… so in a fucked-up, backwards way I should be thanking you."

"Bella… fuck… just come here," Alice murmured as she pulled me into a bone crushing hug.

"Come Ally, let's get this show on the road," I say as I throw my head towards the window of room 101, where my three girls have their noses pushed up against the glass.

"I think those three want answers," I chuckle, as we both head towards the room. Pulling out my cell, I drop Charlie a quick message accepting his offer for dinner, telling him I will be at Rose and Emmett's place. He quickly replies that he will pick me up there at 5pm.

As I open the door, the deafening silence is hysterical: instead of the expected wall of questions I am met with dead calm as they all patiently wait for answers about what went down today. _This is could be fun._ Instead of answering a million and one unasked questions, I decide to mess with their little heads. I start packing my bag, grabbing what I can.

"So girls, I will see you in Seattle on Friday… what hotel are we staying at again?" I question, knowing full well the waiting is winding them up to unheard of level of chaos.

"Hotel Mmm…" Leah begins to tell me what hotel they have planned, when she is cut off by Kate.

"Oh pah-leaseee!" Kate sarcastically shouts. "Bitch, come the fuck on, what happen, what did he say?"

I shrug. "Who… ahhh, you mean Edward?"

"No, you dick! Of course I mean Edward!" rants Kate, rolling her eyes at me.

"Woo shit, now she means business, hitting me with _that_ eye roll…" I throw back, sticking my tongue out at a very frustrated and impatient Kate.

"Come on B, we are dying to find out how it went!" Rose looks at me with her massive blue eyes, all puppy dog and evil bitch brow at the same time.

_Damn… that girl is talented,_ I think to myself as I join all four girls, who are now squeezed on the twin beds that dominate the room.

"It went okay; shit girls, he was great… he let me have my say. He did as I asked… I guess he has nothing left to lose. He opened up to me, too. We actually have a few things in common: we both hit rock bottom and I guess we both have our therapists to thanks for getting us back to the land of the living. God, he explained where he went after I left a few weeks back. Shit… I forgot Kate, he knows Angie!"

"HOW!" screamed Kate.

"The Retreat!" I fired back, waiting for the cogs in her brain to put one and one together.

"Ohhhh…" and it clicked.

"Who's Angie?" wondered Rosalie.

"Ms. Angela Webber was my counsellor and is now one of my girls, and she is the main reason I have given Edward this chance; she told me that if I didn't fight now, I couldn't piss and moan about my loss afterwards. AND Dr. Angela Webber was Edward's lead therapist at The Retreat, where he has just spent the last four weeks."

"Ha! Angie's in trouble, Angie's in trouble!" sang a very amused Leah.

"She is gonna shit a brick!" This time it's Kate.

"Of course, my dear Ms. Webber kept things professional; never did let on that she knew either of us to the other, but I am sure that there was more to her pushing me into this than the mere notion of old-fashioned love." I whip out the imaginary air quotes for the dramatic effect, taking a glance at Alice, as I know she is a fan of them. Alice falls over, laughing out loud, to the confusion of Kate and Leah. Rosalie is cackling right along with us, as she is all too familiar with Alice's love for all things theatrical.

"What the fuck is going on?" both Kate and Leah say at the same time.

Wiping the tears from my eyes, I attempt to form a sentence.

"Alice… she is a… she's a freak…air quotes are the rage in her little head…" Taking a deep breath I compose myself, and then I got up off of the bed and stretched.

"Right, girls… you all have a busy week ahead… and I have to face Charlie sometime this century. Shall we?" I ask as I point toward our bags and then the door.

"Crap Bella, I know it's only three days, but I'm gonna miss the shit out of you," Kate says with her pouty little lip sticking the fuck out.

"Yeah but just think. In those three days, you could find the perfect place to open Caketail part deux and then we get to party the shit outta the upcoming weekend!"

"I guess… I know I have been working on an idea for the second shop, but I'm just not one hundred percent convinced yet. Oh, and before I forget, we are staying at The Hotel Monaco for this month's drunken debauchery, darling," Kate mumbled in her best posh voice, as she then goes off into her cupcake fairy-tale daydreams.

* * *

It's getting late in the day; saying goodbye to my girls was harder than I thought it would be, not because we will be apart. It's just; it feels like I am moving forward without them. If I am honest I haven't made a step in this journey without either of them… and now I am here fighting for myself, with no immediate back up.

On the way over to Rose's house, she fills me in on what's left to do before she opens the garage's doors next week. She also tells me about her second love- the house she and Emmett brought last year. When Alice gives me a bored 'I hear this everyday' kinda look, I get the feeling it's something even she is sick of hearing about… and that's saying something. Alice is the most decorating-obsessive person I have ever known.

Pulling up outside the house, I can understand why Rose is so proud the house. It is lovely! She should be proud: she and Emmett have done well. In front of me stands a three story white panelled house, very similar to Charlie's. The only stand out difference is that the house is on a corner lot, with lots of land and gardens to the side, and I guess around the back, too. Rose loves being outside, so I can see why this house was made for her, as she put it. There is a massive wooden desk that scales all three stories with a staircase leading straight down to the gardens- it would be possible to by-pass the inside of the house entirely and just head outside from anywhere.

"Wow Rose, this place is great!"

"That's what I said… let's head inside," Alice nudges me along, as Rose takes the lead up the driveway.

I can see the massive shadow of Emmett as we walk onto the deck; he is on the phone. As we get closer to the door, I can hear his loud laughter echo throughout the house.

"Honey, we're home!" Rose yells towards the back of the house.

I wait for the big oaf to come hurling towards me, but instead I am bombarded from behind. I scream as I am grabbed and flung in the air.

"Score, my girl has returned!" Emmett shouts down my ear and down the phone he still has lodged under his chin.

My feet hit the floor, but Emmett is still staring at me, blatantly listening to whoever is on the other end of his cell. Still in front of me, he is nodding and grunting his answers to the questions being thrown at him.

"Ouch!" I yelp, rubbing my arm where Emmett has just pinched me.

"Yep… she's really still here," he says to the phone, nodding as he turns around to walk away.

"Edward?" I silently mouth to Rose and Alice. Both agree with a nod of their heads.

In the background I hear Emmett say good-bye to Edward, well… that's who I would put my money on it being.

"Sorry Bellie, Eddie-boy is worried you're going to disappear again. I was just helping my boy out."

Shaking my head, I turn my attention to Rose… "Is it okay if I put my bag upstairs? I would love to get changed, Charlie will be here soon."

"Yep, no probs. You're on the first floor, second door on the right… go on up."

"Bella I am going to head out, check on the stress head." Alice tells me before once again pulling me into a massive hug. "Thank you Bella," Alice whispers. I am not sure if she is thanking me for her forgiveness or for me giving Edward another chance. _Who knows…right?_

Taking two stairs at a time, I am soon in the room Rose describes, and just like the rest of the house, it's beautiful. Pulling out some fresh clothes I start peeling off my dirty scruffy joggers, leaving them in a pile. I pull the hair band lose and shake my mane towards the floor, the natural curl makes my hair bounce back into a 'just tousled' look. S_hit, I love my hair…and even more so on a great hair day like today!_

Splashing water across my face is all I need at the moment to feel better. Pulling on some skinny jeans and a grey hoodie, I am ready to face Charlie. Adding my Chucks to the clean me, I head down stairs.

Emmett passes me a bottle of soda, as I join them in the kitchen.

"Feel better?" asks Rose.

"Yep loads, now to just get Charlie sorted and at least I can say I have accomplished something today!" the sarcasm is very clear in the words.

"You know what B? It's good to have you here. You have been fucking missed. Now, I only hope we can sort out that best bud of mine, and I have a feeling you being around will help." Emmett is busting, he's just too nice, _optimistic too_. He might be a towering hunk of man flesh; inside Emmett just wants his friends and family to be happy.

He is standing there; visibly deep in thought…he's in his own little world.

"I just wish the whole gang could be together again, ya know just like the good old days." His honest wish leaves a dent on my heart.

"Whoa there big guy, slow down. I will give him his shot, but I hate to spoil _this" _I say wiggling my finger in the air between us. "It's going to take time Em, I have changed a lot and so has Edward… who knows what's going to happen, but look: I said I will give it a chance… let's just wing it, okay?"

Emmett looks like I have just popped his perfect 'world bubble', but Emmett being Emmett, he brushes it off like nothing has ever changed. A new train of thought comes his way.

"Oh shit, I forgot to tell you…we may have another member to the clan. Your friend Leah did a freaking number on our Jake. He hasn't shut up about her for days. 'Leah this… Leah that…' Fuck B, it's got so bad he's has decided I need to know the down and dirty. 'Leah did that her tongue and shit Em when she put her…'"

"Narrr… nooo Emmett! Shhh, just shhh. She like my damn sister shut the hell up! I don't want to know anything about her tongue or hoohah or… URGGG!"

"But Bella, he said she touched his sack with her…" I start slapping the shit out of him, doing my best to get him to shut the hell up but Em can't hide his grin; the thing is; I know Leah, so is he really joking with me?

"EMMETT SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I screech as someone toots their car horn outside.

"Save by the Papa!" Rose calls over her shoulder as she looks out the window at the Chief, police cruiser and all.

"Oh God, kill me now!" My thoughts make themselves known to all.

"See B… it is like we are going back in time… Daddy is still collecting the princess in the meat wagon!" Emmett's laughter fills the house.

"Fuck off, asshat." Showing Emmett the bird, I go to finish what I have started.

Walking towards the car, Dad has got out and is holding the passenger door for me.

I can't help but smile at him: he really has come to collect his princess.

_It's now or never Bella… it's finally time to make the past just that... the past … and finish fixing yourself along the way_… I think to myself, smiling again at Charlie.

_What was it that Mom used to say? It's so hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember… yeah, that was it. _I take a quick look up to the sky.

_Thanks, Mom._

* * *

**Now you now what to do... REVIEW**

**After all they do make me happy!**


	17. A Message from the author

Authors Note

I am so sorry this isn't an update, but I thought I should come and explain why I haven't updated Lovestrong in two months and a few of you have PM'd me to asked that very question.

As some of you may know I have three beautiful nieces who I cherish like they were my own. Well Isla Hope who is my youngest princess (9 months old) was born with six Coronary Heart Defects (CHD's)

She underwent her first open heart surgery at 5 days old and came through it with not a care in the world. Isla Hope O'Leary is an amazing little girl, who beat doctors at their own game.

Isla wasn't so lucky the second time around and on the 4th February 2013 she began the long fight to recover from her second open heart surgery, she was in theatre for 12 hours- with Doctors failing to take her off the bypass machine 3 times. She remains in PICU and has already captured the hearts of so many people around the world.

She has now been in Alder Hey PICU for 9 weeks with no end in sight and she is still fighting hard, after 3 failed attempts to take her off the ventilation she has been to theatre 9 times in the last 8 weeks, for all kinds of different operations and procedures to try to help her- her doctors are dumb founded and don't have a clue how to help her next. Her mummy and daddy are beginning to feel the strain of not having their little girl around. Other hospitals around the country have been consulted and unfortunately they too have been unable to help Isla...

She remains fully ventilated and unable to breathe for herself at Alder Hey Children's Hospital and the end is nowhere in sight... Isla Hope has now been in hospital for over 9 weeks.

She has inspired me so much so that now it is my turn, along with a friend or two to fight for her; I will be taking part in the 2013 Bupa Great Manchester Run and spread awareness for CHD and raising money for Lagans Foundation/ Alder Hey PICU.

Lagan's Foundation is a charity who support and guide families who live with a child who has congenital cardiac defects. Offering respite of any kind, which is invaluable. Lagan's Foundation is a non-profit making organisation that aims to help families who have babies and children up to 5 years old, diagnosed with cardiac defects and / or feeding difficulties. Lagan's Foundation's purpose is to provide an at home respite service staffed by trained volunteers to support parents in their caring role. We are fully supported by Alder Hey Children's Hospital Cardiac and Gastroenterology Departments.

Lagan's Foundation along with other people has offered support to Isla, her Mummy and Daddy; along with other members of our family and without donations they wouldn't be able to offer this amazing service. If you could help in anyway- by sponsoring us, please going on the Virgin Giving Page for Gemma Warburton- **Gemma & Lyndsey's fundraising page **and give as much or as little as you can.

And finally thank you for the support and understanding- I will get back onto writing as soon as possible- and special thanks to my team; Jill, Sarah and Charlotte without you girls I couldn't have gotten so far.

Thanks again

Gemma - GemLouWarb


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